50 ridiculous things I never thought I’d say as a mom

Being a parent comes with some funny responsibilities—like wiping someone else’s bum, sucking out snot from another human’s nose and singing songs you learned from a cartoon tiger that will help your child calm down when they’re angry and feel like they want to roar at someone.

Another funny part of parenting is the absolutely ridiculous things you actually say out loud on the daily. They’re things that just easily slide right out of your mouth, but then you pause and wonder to yourself—did I really just say that?

We wanted to know the funniest things our #TeamMotherly parents have said lately so we asked. (But shh—we’re not naming any names!)

1. “It’s okay that you only love daddy. I love you anyway.”

2. “Yes I can wipe your butt for you.”

3. “You really can be a fairy princess-scientist if you want to!”

4. “Please stop screaming “diarrhea poopy pants”—we’re in public!”

5. “No you are not allowed to sit in the front seat. Mommy will get arrested.”

6. “Aww good morning, little bud! I love you, too!”

7. “What? No, we cannot make pizza and ice cream for breakfast.”

8. “Please stop asking Alexa to play “I am a Gummy Bear.” Mommy hasn’t even had her coffee.”

9. “Put your shoes on. Please, put your shoes on. Shoes. On. Now. Please put your shoes on. Please, put your shoes on. Forget it, no shoes.”

10. “Please stop using your sister as your chair. She obviously does not like that.”

11. “Wow, yes that is the biggest poop I’ve ever seen. Good boy!”

12. “No I haven’t seen your stick. I’m not really sure where it is.” (AKA, I’m not sure which garbage dump it currently is in, so technically I’m not sure.)

13. “You want to be a ghost when you grow up? I’m not really sure what to say to that.”

14. “Yes, that’s correct. Girls pee out of their butt.”

15. “When are you gonna be home?” (To my husband.)

16. “Yes, can I please have an extra large hot coffee, black? Can you put like five shots of espresso in there, too, please? It’s been a long morning.”

17. “We can’t go outside/have a dance party/get the mail/FaceTime Grandma until you put your pants back on.”

18. “I am not a fresh mommy. I am a nice mommy.”

19. (To the tune of REM’s “Everybody Hurts”) “Everyyyybody pooooops…sommmmetimesss.” (To help my toddler coax her poop out.)

20. “Yes, I’d love to play chainsaws with you.” #BoyMom

21. “I actually think Shimmer and Shine are sleeping so we can’t watch anymore right now.”

22. “Princess Anna is…on vacation.” (AKA, Mom has no idea where she is.)

23. “No thank you, I don’t need help wiping, I am all set.”

24. “OK—you can be a pirate and I’m going to make dinner.” ?☠️

25. “Did you poop?” (x10 million billion.)

26. “Daddy is going to be home soon! Who’s excited?! I am, I am!”

27. “Because I’m pregnant, daddy’s not, and you weigh 35 lbs.” (My answer to why can Daddy carry him across the boardwalk and why I can’t…)

28. “Please get your hand out of your diaper, we are eating.”

29. “DON’T TOUCH THE POOP!”

30. “Yes, you do sound just like Dave Matthews!”

31. (To myself) “Welp, I guess today is the last time for three months I can clip my own toenails. BOY that was fast!”

32. “I don’t know why you two are arguing about whether the clouds are green or not. They are white. Sorry to burst your bubble.”

33. “Don’t pull her head off, though! That’s not nice.”

34. “Yes, your doll also has a vagina.”

35. “No, we are not home yet.” ❌

36. “Can I be Moana this time? I am getting sick of playing Maui.”

37. “That is a bat to play baseball with. It is not a weapon!”

38. “You are SO strong! Look at those muscles!”

39. “Please stay in your bed now and go to sleep.”

40. “Who are you FaceTiming?”

41. “Please don’t stick your finger in the cat’s raspberry.”

42. “In my hands!” …while he’s about to vomit

43. “No, you cannot wipe ME.”

44. “Forks don’t go in your undies.”

45. “Wow, you’re right. That poop does look like Daniel Tiger.”

46. “Don’t pee on your brother.”

47. “How did that get on the ceiling!?”

48. “That was a good booger”

49. “Why are you eating (my friend’s) face?!?”

50. “Don’t flush! I have to check your poop for that penny you swallowed!”

Our analysis?
Parents and kids talk about poop A LOT.

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