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Trigger warning: This essay describes a woman's emotional journey with losing a baby.

My boobs are hard as rocks and full of milk. It feels like they're on fire. I'm bleeding and having complications down below. I'm weepy, achy and tired. The doctors say it will be months until my hormones are back to normal.

I'm postpartum.

Without a newborn.

At 20 weeks of pregnancy, my baby didn't make it.

One moment we were smiling during an ultrasound, and the next, being told he wasn't going to live. An amnio and a slew of other invasive tests discovered a rare chromosomal disorder. Before I knew it, I was in a hospital gown—at the same place I would've delivered him—saying "goodbye."

The closet in the nursery is full of new clothes, books and room decor. I have a Pinterest board of inspirational quotes on having a son. A stack of "It's a Boy" glassware remains from our gender reveal party, and we already had a few names in mind.

Our daughter was beyond thrilled to become a big sister and she talked about it all the time. We read about it every night, and she would kiss my growing bump while squealing, "I can't wait to meet you!" She came with me to appointments and had started to connect the moving blob on the screen to my visible belly.

But all of that has been taken away.

I feel like the floor has been pulled out from under me. It's hard to breathe, but I'm breathing. That's the only chance I have to survive.

This marked our sixth loss. It came two days before my husband's birthday. It was our second loss in the past few months; I had an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy the week before our daughter turned two. You'd think we'd be "used to it" by now, but it just doesn't work that way.

When we set out to become parents many years ago, we imagined it would go as planned. Light a few candles, crack open a bottle of wine and nine months later bring home a bundle of joy. But it wasn't that simple. I had a misconception: how easy it was to conceive, and how easy it was to stay pregnant, hence my many mis-conceived pregnancies. The thing so many people did by accident, I couldn't even do with deliberate purpose.

Every day is a struggle. Recently, I got a manicure, and the owner asked what happened to my bump. At a party, two different people congratulated me because they hadn't heard the sad news. Even when I'm trying to enjoy myself, the tragedy is shoved back in my face.

My daughter is constantly asking for Baby Brother. "I want Baby Brother to come out now," she said, with sadness, soon after the procedure. I burst into tears. I promised myself I would never cry in front of her, and there I was, a blubbering mess.
This past week I heard my daughter tell her friend, "Baby Brother will be back soon."

I got choked up the first time I went to Buy Buy Baby after this all ended. A pair of baseball booties called to me. I held them tightly in the palms of my hands. What was wrong with me? I had to do everything in my power not to purchase them.

I was due this month, December, around the same time as a handful of my close friends. I just attended a "sprinkle" baby shower for two of the women in our group, which was originally intended for me too. We were all in this together, imagining the photo ops and chatting about the Mommy and Me classes we would sign up for with our second babies. I'm no longer part of that either. It's nearly impossible not to think of what was "supposed to be."

It was a plan, and plans changed, and now we're living with our new reality. I'd been dreading December. But now it's here and before I know it, January will be here too. And February. And March. And as each day goes on, I will be able to put the past further behind me.

I often wake up in the middle of the night gasping for air. I literally and figuratively feel suffocated by the darkness. I still get phantom kicks. And I have bouts of anxiety before seeing people for the first time after they've heard "what happened to me." Like I'm a victim. So. Many. People. To see. I imagine they'll be looking at me under a microscope. Is she cheerful? Does she still look pregnant? Will she act like herself? Should I address the elephant in the room?

Every week we get a financial reminder of the pain, as thousands of dollars of medical bills arrive in the mail. We could take a vacation with the money we've wasted on hospital visits and lost hope. As if we weren't paying for it enough emotionally.

Some days I just give myself credit for getting out of bed. And then I smile. I force myself to smile so hard that one day my broken heart will catch up with my upward curved lips, and my emotion will match my expression.

I'm sad that what we thought was a blessing, ended up being a curse. I'm sad that we've heard this baby's heart beating, and now mine is broken. I'm sad that we've seen this baby's face on a 4D scan, but never will in person.

I'm angry that I have to lose baby weight for a baby that never existed. I'm angry that I had to have months of morning sickness, backaches, sleepless nights, headaches, and countless trips to pee for something that wasn't even worth it. I'm angry that this keeps happening to my body.

I'm angry that I've spent the past 11 months sacrificing so much while in the throes of two failed pregnancies. I'm angry that this agonizing wait is so incredibly long. I'm angry that teenagers and one-night stands who aren't ready to have babies get pregnant, yet we are the ones who have to suffer.

I'm afraid for the next steps. I'm afraid for the physical, mental and emotional pain we still have to endure. I'm afraid of future outcomes and procedures and recoveries, and how much I'll have to explain, and how much hurt is still on the horizon. I'm afraid to experience it. I'm afraid of how many more times we will be knocked down before we find success.

I'm exhausted. On every level. I'm exhausted from running after a toddler who doesn't nap. I'm exhausted from updating people on my impending doom. I'm exhausted from riding this roller coaster of death. I'm exhausted from "getting through things." I'm exhausted from hardly being able to exhale. I'm exhausted from covering up my body, and my feelings, to get by. I'm exhausted from being brave. I'm exhausted from feeling like a failure.

Yet I'm grateful for the miracle that is our daughter. I remind myself every day that we thought we would never have her, and here she is, calling us "Mommy" and "Daddy," words we thought we might never hear.

I'm hopeful this doesn't have to be the end of growing our family. I'm hopeful that we will heal and get through this just like we have with everything else. I'm hopeful that while the pain will always be there like a battle scar, it will subside, and not feel so stifling. I'm hopeful for what may come in another year from now. I'm hopeful that our daughter won't remember this happening.

I'm hopeful that we can still give our little girl the gift of being a big sister.

I know that life will go on. Not for this baby, but most definitely for us.

Originally posted on Motherwell.

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We spend a lot of time prepping for the arrival of a baby. But when it comes to the arrival of our breast milk (and all the massive adjustments that come with it), it's easy to be caught off guard. Stocking up on a few breastfeeding essentials can make the transition to breastfeeding a lot less stressful, which means more time and energy focusing on what's most important: Your recovery and your brand new baby.

Here are the essential breastfeeding tools you'll need, mama:

1. For covering up: A cute nursing cover

First and foremost, please know that all 50 states in the United States have laws that allow women to breastfeed in public. You do not have to cover yourself if you don't want to—and many mamas choose not to—and we are all for it.

That said, if you do anticipate wanting to take a more modest approach to breastfeeding, a nursing cover is a must. You will find an array of styles to choose from, but we love an infinity scarf, like the LK Baby Infinity Nursing Scarf Nursing Cover. You'll be able to wear the nursing cover instead of stuffing it in your already brimming diaper bag—and it's nice to have it right there when the baby is ready to eat.

Also, in the inevitable event that your baby spits-up on you or you leak some milk through your shirt, having a quick and stylish way to cover up is a total #momwin.

2. For getting comfortable: A cozy glider

Having a comfy spot to nurse can make a huge difference. Bonus points if that comfy place totally brings a room together, like the Delta Children Paris Upholstered Glider!

Get your cozy space ready to go, and when your baby is here, you can retreat from the world and just nurse, bond, and love.

3. For unmatched support: A wire-free nursing bra

It may take trying on several brands to find the perfect match, but finding a nursing bra that you love is 100% worth the effort. Your breasts will be changing and working in ways that are hard to imagine. An excellent supportive bra will make this so much more comfortable.

It is crucial to choose a wireless bra for the first weeks of nursing since underwire can increase the risk of clogged ducts (ouch).The Playtex Maternity Shaping Foam Wirefree Nursing Bra is an awesome pick for this reason, and because it is designed to flex and fit your breasts as they go through all those changes.

4. For maximum hydration: A large reusable water bottle

Nothing can prepare you for the intense thirst that hits when breastfeeding. Quench that thirst (and help keep your milk supply up in the process) by always having a water bottle with a straw nearby, like this Exquis Large Outdoor Water Bottle.

5. For feeding convenience: A supportive nursing tank

Experts recommend that during the first weeks of your baby's life, you breastfeed on-demand, meaning that any time your tiny boss demands milk, you feed them. This will help establish your milk supply and get everything off to a good start.

What does this mean for your life? You will be breastfeeding A LOT. Nursing tanks, like the Loving Moments by Leading Lady, make this so much easier. They have built-in support to keep you comfy, and you can totally wear them around the house, or even out and about. When your baby wants to eat, you'll be able to quickly "pop out" a breast and feed them.

6. For pain prevention: A quality nipple ointment

Breastfeeding shouldn't hurt, but the truth is those first days can be uncomfortable. Your nipples will likely feel raw as they adjust to their new job. This will get better! But until it does, nipple ointment is amazing.

My favorite is the Earth Mama Organic Nipple Butter. We love that it's organic, and it is oh-so-soothing on your hard-at-work nipples.

Psst: If it actually hurts when your baby latches on, something may be up, so call your provider or a lactation consultant for help.

7. For uncomfortable moments: A dual breast therapy pack

As your breasts adjust to their new role, you may experience a few discomforts—applying warmth or cold can help make them feel so much better. The Lansinoh TheraPearl 3-in-1 Breast Therapy Pack is awesome because you can microwave the pads or put them in the freezer, giving you a lot of options when your breasts need some TLC.

Again, if you have any concerns about something being wrong (pain, a bump that may be red or hot, fever, or anything else), call a professional right away.

8. For inevitable leaks: An absorbing breast pad

In today's episode of, "Oh come on, really?" you are going to leak breastmilk. Now, this is entirely natural and you are certainly not required to do anything about this. Still, many moms choose to wear breast pads in their bras to avoid leaking through to their shirts.

You can go the convenient and disposable route with Lansinoh Disposable Stay Dry Nursing Pads, or for a more environmentally friendly option, you can choose washable pads, like these Organic Bamboo Nursing Breast Pads.

9. For flexibility: A breast pump

Many women find that a breast pump becomes one of their most essential mom-tools. The ability to provide breast milk when you are away from your baby (and relieve uncomfortable engorged breasts) will add so much flexibility into your new-mom life.

For quick trips out and super-easy in-your-bag transport, opt for a manual pump like the Lansinoh Manual Breast Pump .

If you will be away from your baby for longer periods of time (traveling or working outside the home, for example) an electric pump is your most efficient bet. The Medela Pump In Style Advanced Double Electric Breast Pump is a classic go-to that will absolutely get the job done, and then some.

10. For quality storage: Breast milk bags

Once you pump your liquid gold, aka breast milk, you'll need a place to store it. The Kiinde Twist Pouches allow you to pump directly into the bags which means one less step (and way less to clean).

11. For keeping cool: A freezer bag

Transport your pumped milk back home to your baby safely in a cooler like the Mommy Knows Best Breast Milk Baby Bottle Cooler Bag. Remember to put the milk in a fridge or freezer as soon as you can to optimize how long it stays usable for.

12. For continued nourishment: Bottles

Nothing beats the peace of mind you get when you know that your baby is being well-taken of care—and well fed—until you can be together again. The Philips Avent Natural Baby Bottle Newborn Starter Gift Set is a fan favorite (mama and baby fans alike).

This article is sponsored by Walmart. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.

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Motherly is committed to covering all relevant presidential candidate plans as we approach the 2020 election. We are making efforts to get information from all candidates. Motherly does not endorse any political party or candidate. We stand with and for mothers and advocate for solutions that will reduce maternal stress and benefit women, families and the country.


A viral video about car seat safety has parents everywhere cracking up and humming Sir-Mix-A-Lot.

"I like safe kids and I cannot lie," raps Norman Regional Health System pediatric hospitalist Dr. Kate Cook (after prefacing her music video with an apology to her children."I'm a doctor tryin' warn you that recs have changed," she continues.

Dr. Cook's rap video is all about the importance of keeping babies facing backward. It's aptly called "Babies Face Back," and uses humor and parody to drive home car seat recommendations from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP).

"Switching from rear-facing to forward-facing is a milestone many parents can't wait to reach," Dr. Cook said in a news release about her hilarious video. "But this is one area where you want to delay the transition as long as possible because each one actually reduces the protection to the child."

Last summer the AAP updated its official stance on car seat safety to be more in line with what so many parents were already doing and recommended that kids stay rear-facing for as long as possible. But with so many things to keep track of in life, it is understandable that some parents still don't know about the change. Dr. Cook wants to change that with some cringe-worthy rapping.

The AAP recommends:

  • Babies and toddlers should ride in a rear-facing car safety seat as long as possible, until they reach the highest weight or height allowed by their seat.
  • Once they are facing forward, children should use a forward-facing car safety seat with a harness for as long as possible. Many seats are good up to 65 pounds.
  • When children outgrow their car seat they should use a belt-positioning booster seat until the vehicle's lap and shoulder seat belt fits properly, between 8 and 12 years old.

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[Editor's note: Motherly is committed to covering all relevant presidential candidate plans as we approach the 2020 election. We are making efforts to get information from all candidates. Motherly does not endorse any political party or candidate. We stand with and for mothers and advocate for solutions that will reduce maternal stress and benefit women, families and the country.]

Suicide rates for girls and women in the United States have increased 50% since 2000, according to the CDC and new research indicates a growing number of pregnant and postpartum women are dying by suicide and overdose. Suicide rates for boys and men are up, too.

It's clear there is a mental health crisis in America and it is robbing children of their mothers and mothers of their children.

Medical professionals urge people to get help early, but sometimes getting help is not so simple. For many Americans, the life preserver that is mental health care is out of reach when they are drowning.

Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg just released a plan he hopes could change that and says the neglect of mental health in the United States must end. "Our plan breaks down the barriers around mental health and builds up a sense of belonging that will help millions of suffering Americans heal," says Buttigieg.

He thinks he can "prevent 1 million deaths of despair by 2028" by giving Americans more access to mental health and addictions services.

In a country where giving birth can put a mother in debt, it's not surprising that while as many as 1 in 5 new moms suffers from perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, more than half of new moms who need mental health treatment don't get it. Stigma, childcare and of course costs are factors in why women aren't seeking help when they are struggling.

Buttigieg's plan is interesting because it could remove some of these barriers. He wants to make mental health care more affordable by ensuring everyone has comprehensive coverage for mental health care and by ensuring that everyone can access a free yearly mental health check-up.

That could make getting help more affordable for some moms, and by increasing reimbursement rates for mental health care delivered through telehealth, this plan could help moms get face time with a medical professional without having to deal with finding childcare first.

Estimates from new research suggest that in some parts of America as many as 14% or 30% of maternal deaths are caused by addiction or suicide. Buttigieg's plan aims to reduce those estimates by fighting the addiction and opioid crisis and increasing access to mental health services in underserved communities and for people of color. He also wants to reduce the stigma and increase support for the next generation by requiring "every school across the country to teach Mental Health First Aid courses."

These are lofty goals with a lofty price tag. It would cost about $300 billion to do what Buttigieg sets out in his plan and the specifics of how the plan would be funded aren't yet known. Neither is how voters will react to this 18-page plan and whether it will help Buttigieg stand out in a crowded field of Democratic candidates.

What we do know is that right now, America is talking about mental health and whether or not that benefits Buttigieg's campaign it will certainly benefit America.

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[Editor's Note: Welcome to It's Science, a Motherly column focusing on evidence-based explanations for the important moments, milestones, and phenomena of motherhood. Because it's not just you—#itsscience.]

If you breastfeed, you know just how magical (and trying) it is, but it has numerous benefits for mama and baby. It is known to reduce the likelihood of developing cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes, and rheumatoid arthritis, and cuts the risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) by half.

If this wasn't powerful enough, scientists have discovered that babies who are fed breast milk have a stomach pH that promotes the formation of HAMLET (Human Alpha-lactalbumin Made Lethal to Tumor cells). HAMLET was discovered by chance when researchers were studying the antibacterial properties of breast milk. This is a combination of proteins and lipids found in breast milk that can work together to kill cancer cells, causing them to pull away from healthy cells, shrink and die, leaving the healthy cells unaffected.

According to researchers at Lund University in Sweden, this mechanism may contribute to the protective effect breast milk has against pediatric tumors and leukemia, which accounts for about 30% of all childhood cancer. Other researchers analyzed 18 different studies, finding that "14% to 19% of all childhood leukemia cases may be prevented by breastfeeding for six months or more."

And recently, doctors in Sweden collaborated with scientists in Prague to find yet another amazing benefit to breast milk. Their research demonstrated that a certain milk sugar called Alpha1H, found only in breast milk, helps in the production of lactose and can transform into a different form that helps break up tumors into microscopic fragments in the body.

Patients who were given a drug based on this milk sugar, rather than a placebo, passed whole tumor fragments in their urine. And there is more laboratory evidence to support that the drug can kill more than 40 different types of cancer cells in animal trials, including brain tumors and colon cancer. These results are inspiring scientists to continue to explore HAMLET as a novel approach to tumor therapy and make Alpha1H available to cancer patients.

Bottom line: If you choose to breastfeed, the breast milk your baby gets from your hard work can be worth every drop of effort.

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