Waiting for my rainbow baby isn’t easy, but it’s so worth it

Time can almost feel tangible when waiting for a baby after experiencing loss.

Waiting for my rainbow baby isn’t easy, but it’s so worth it

Shortly after I found out I was pregnant the very first time, I experienced an early miscarriage. My doctor explained that sometimes these things happen. Although I love my partner and I was devastated by what happened, I knew it wasn’t the right time.

Months later, we decided the time was right and we were ready. After three months of trying we were lucky enough to have a viable pregnancy.

Despite it being exactly what I wanted, I worried about everything. Every cramp, ache, movement, or lack thereof, I imagined there was a problem.

By the third trimester, the stress of overthinking had taken its toll mentally and I’d fallen into a deep depression. I eventually spoke to my physician and revealed the truth of the emotional burden I felt. With the help of counseling, medication, emotional support, and time, I was able to address the issues that lead to my pre and postpartum depression.

Through talking about what was going on I connected a lot of dots.

After experiencing unviable pregnancies over the two and a half years since my son was born, I finally reached a point where I thought, maybe this just isn’t going to happen. When I recovered from the emotional toll of my final miscarriage, I made plans to adopt a dog, take snowboarding lessons, and finally schedule that tattoo I’d been putting off for years.

Shortly after my dog arrived (and I was steadily falling down at lesson number three), I began to notice pregnancy symptoms. I waited as long as I could, spoke with my doctor, and booked an ultrasound appointment.

I remember anxiously shifting while laying on top of a crinkling paper sheet as the technician searched the screen. In an otherwise quiet room, I heard the heartbeat of the baby I’d been hoping and wishing for. As the rhythmic beat filled the room, I began to cry.

Through sobs, I explained to the ultrasound technician with worried eyes that I was surprised just as much as I was relieved. As soon as I left the office with the sonogram in hand, I knew I had to make some changes in order to have a more enjoyable pregnancy this time around.

I’m not going to pretend that having a (relatively) worry-free pregnancy was easy. It wasn’t. Worrying is something that comes naturally to me—I’ve done it all my life in all aspects of it. I knew I would have to work hard at pushing the negative thoughts out of my mind and keeping my focus on the positives.

There are a few things that really helped me while I was expecting my rainbow baby.

I tried focusing more on the changes happening to my body at each moment and the things it needed. I focused on things like taking care of my body and embracing the knowledge that my body was changing, growing, and doing its best every day.

I made space for self-care. For me, this meant taking the time to write or enjoy a nice hot bath. I spent time writing about my depression, my family, or my dogs. It's important to remember who we are, how strong we are, how far we've come, and what we're capable of.

Knowing the experience of pregnancy, particularly after a loss, I knew I shouldn't taken this experience for granted. And it didn’t mean it couldn't be enjoyed. I allowed myself the freedom to be afraid of the future and to be excited for what was to come; I felt safe embracing my body's changes.

Knowing the memories of this time were sometimes daunting, I'm so glad I stepped outside of my comfort zone by taking maternity photos (in a canola field!) and have the physical proof of how wonderful most of it was.

Carissa Marie Photography

Most importantly, I kept talking. I talked about my feelings, my fears, and my hopes. So talk to someone loving and supportive.

Time can almost feel tangible when waiting for a baby after experiencing loss. The feeling of not knowing what could happen during pregnancy is overwhelming and stressful, no matter how long the journey. In my third trimester, I recognized I was struggling with managing the depression I carried since my teenage years plus the worries of waiting for my baby. Knowing I needed to get a handle on these feelings, I received help from my understanding health care provider and loving partner.

There’s so much waiting when it comes to babies, rainbow or not. Waiting for results, waiting for stages to pass (hello, morning sickness), and waiting for your precious baby to arrive. Whether it be your first, sixth, or last; the wait is never easy.

And while it’s not easy, the payoff is so worth it.

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14 outdoor toys your kids will want to play with beyond summer

They transition seamlessly for indoor play.

With Labor day weekend in the rearview and back-to-school in full swing, most parents are fresh out of boxes to check on their "Fun Concierge" hit list. It's also the point of diminishing returns on investing in summer-only toys. So with that in mind, we've rounded up some of our favorite toys that are not only built to last but will easily make the transition from outdoor to indoor play. Even better, they're Montessori-friendly and largely open-ended so your kids can get a ton of use out of them.

From sunny backyard afternoons to rainy mornings stuck inside, these toys are sure to keep little ones engaged and entertained.

Meadow ring toss game

Plan Toys meadow ring toss game

Besides offering a fantastic opportunity to hone focus, coordination, determination and taking turns, lawn games are just plain fun. Set them up close together for the littles and spread them out when Mom and Dad get in on the action. With their low profile and rope rings, they're great for indoors as well.


Balance board

Plan Toys balance board

Balance boards are a fabulous way to get the wiggles out. This one comes with a rope attachment, making it suitable for even the youngest wigglers. From practicing their balance and building core strength to working on skills that translate to skateboarding and snowboarding, it's a year-round physical activity that's easy to bring inside and use between Zoom classes, too!


Detective set

Plan Toys detective setDetective Set

This set has everything your little detective needs to solve whatever mystery they might encounter: an eye glasses, walkie-talkie, camera, a red lens, a periscope and a bag. Neighborhood watch? Watch out.


Wooden doll stroller

Janod wooden doll strollerWooden Doll Stroller

Take their charges on a stroll around the block with this classic doll stroller. With the same versatility they're used to in their own ride, this heirloom quality carriage allows their doll or stuffy to face them or face the world.


Sand play set

Plan Toys sand set

Whether you're hitting the beach or the backyard sandbox, this adorable wooden sand set is ready for action. Each scoop has an embossed pattern that's perfect for sand stamping. They're also totally suitable for water play in the wild or the bathtub.


Water play set

Plan Toys water play set

Filled with sand or water, this tabletop sized activity set keeps little ones busy, quiet and happy. (A mama's ideal trifecta 😉). It's big enough to satisfy their play needs but not so big it's going to flood your floors if you bring the fun inside on a rainy day.


Mini golf set

Plan Toys mini golf set

Fore! This mini golf set is lawn and living room ready. Set up a backyard competition or incorporate into homeschooling brain breaks that shift focus and build concentration.


Vintage scooter balance bike

Janod retro scooter balance bike

Pedals are so 2010. Balance bikes are the way to go for learning to ride a bike while skipping the training wheels stage altogether. This impossibly cool retro scooter-style is built to cruise the neighborhood or open indoor space as they're learning.


Wooden rocking pegasus

plan toys wooden rocking pegasus

Your little will be ready to take flight on this fun pegasus. It gently rocks back and forth, but doesn't skimp on safety—its winged saddle, footrests and backrest ensure kids won't fall off whether they're rocking inside or outside.


Croquet set

Plan Toys croquet set

The cutest croquet set we've ever seen! With adorable animal face wooden balls and a canvas bag for easy clean up, it's also crafted to stick around awhile. Round after round, it's great for teaching kiddos math and problem-solving skills as well.


Wooden digital camera

fathers factory wooden digital camera

Kids get the chance to assemble the camera on their own then can adventure anywhere to capture the best moments. With two detachable magnetic lenses, four built-in filters and video recorder, your little photographer can tap into their creativity from summertime to the holidays.


Wooden bulldozer toy

plan toys wooden bulldozer toy

Whether they're digging up sand in the backyad or picking up toys inside, kids can get as creative as they want picking up and moving things around. Even better? Its wooden structure means it's not an eye sore to look at wherever your digger drops it.


Pull-along hippo

janod toys pull along hippo toy

There's just something so fun about a classic pull-along toy and we love that they seamlessly transition between indoor and outdoor play. Crafted from solid cherry and beechwood, it's tough enough to endure outdoor spaces your toddler takes it on.


Baby forest fox ride-on

janod toys baby fox ride on

Toddlers will love zooming around on this fox ride-on, and it's a great transition toy into traditional balance bikes. If you take it for a driveway adventure, simply use a damp cloth to wipe down the wheels before bringing back inside.


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