Menu

To fix how much moms are burnt out, we need to learn how to set boundaries

Here are nine steps to help you learn how to say no

To fix how much moms are burnt out, we need to learn how to set boundaries

[Editor's note: When we shared 'Self-care' is not enough to fix how much moms are burnt out, the response was overwhelming. It hit a nerve, as mothers from across the globe expressed their collective burnout. We heard two things: 1). I feel that way too, and 2). How do we fix this? In response, Motherly introduces our new editorial franchise offering expert-based solutions that address the very real burnout that mothers are facing. It is not going to be easy to make this better, but if we take small steps and work together, we can impact serious change.]

After a full day of work and being with my kids, I am exhausted. It is not an unfamiliar feeling, as I know many mothers—close friends and clients—echo similar sentiments. It is a common experience that women are exhausted at the end of the day. Many describe it as being "touched out" and others are experiencing the impacts of burn out.

FEATURED VIDEO

Then, a text comes in from a dear friend, asking me for help.

"Just say yes, Tracy," my internal dialogue tells me. "Don't let others down. You don't want to upset your friend. It won't take that long."

This dialogue is a strong one—it tells me to ignore what I am feeling at this moment and it tells me to care for others without considering what I need.

So I plow forward and give what the other person is asking. Afterward, I collapse even further into my bed, none the more rested than when I first laid down.

Women often care for others before we care for ourselves. We are used to being the primary caregivers, so naturally, we put others first.

We are trying to balance heavier loads than ever before. Work. Children. Friendships. Household. Relationships. Family. Our own interests and well-being. It becomes impossible to manage all of the demands that are placed on us. And yet we keep caring and giving to others.

There are many signs that you tend to be a caregiver and put others first:

  • You don't say no to others as you feel guilty
  • You don't suggest something or do something your way
  • You don't ask your partner for help but easily offer to help them
  • You constantly feel drained and tired from others' requests.
  • You describe yourself as a "doer." You thrive on doing things, instead of allowing yourself to be in the moment. As a "doer," you are busy thinking of the next moment, and you feel filled up when you care for others.
  • You hold yourself to a high standard and keep caring for others because you hate letting others down. And, you might even begin to feel resentful over time.

But I have to ask: What does caring for others give you?

Many will say they don't want to upset others, they feel obligated to give to others, and they feel responsible for how others feel. But caring for others is a way to avoid feeling negative issues in your relationships. Some of my clients say they don't want to let someone down. And sometimes caring can be a form of avoiding what you are genuinely struggling with.

For myself, it took me a while to realize that by ensuring I was always available for others (including my husband at bath time or at the slightest moment when a child fussed), I was feeding my self-worth. The rules in my mind sounded something like this, "If I am always available to my friends, then I am worthy. If I show up for others whenever they need me, then I am good enough."

But the challenge is that caring in this way for a period of time can be unhealthy, especially when you are maxed out—as we often are in motherhood.

That text message I responded to? I started to feel resentful towards my friend for needing me. But when I step back from that moment, it is not my friend that is responsible for me saying yes in response to her text—it is me.

I am responsible for my choices.

We need to talk about a word that often sounds dirty to many of my clients: boundaries.

Every client or couple that shows up in my office talks about difficulties with boundaries in some way. It is a word with a lot of impact on the wellness of you and your relationships. I like to think of boundaries like the elephant in the room—we all have them, they are always there, but we often don't talk about them.

If you identify with the challenge of saying no and being a caregiver, here are nine steps to help you learn how to say no, mama:

1. Tune in to when it is too much.

We have early signs that tell us we are taking on too much, and that we are exhausted. For some, these could be bodily experiences, like feeling tension in our shoulders or feeling exhausted all the time. Others might experience physiological symptoms like shortness of breath, dizziness or difficulties sleeping, or emotional symptoms like anxiety, frustration or irritability with your children).

A strong sign of having a heavy load is that you are viewing others negatively or feel like others are taking advantage of you.

2. Identify what giving to others is costing you.

Giving to others is a beautiful quality, and we need people like you. But there are people in your life that require you to be at your best—your children need you.

The analogy I like to use is a cell phone battery. You only have so much battery power to go about your day. What will you use it for each day? What is most important to you?

For some, making a list and prioritizing this helps to identify what needs to stay and what you need to say no to. Remember to acknowledge the cumulative effect of multiple small gives. Texting back all of your friends in one day and responding to messages on social media might be too much. It's okay to take a step back and pause.

3. You are not responsible for other's thoughts and feelings.

I want you to read that last sentence one more time.

So often I hear from clients, "I could never say no, that would hurt their feelings." Yes, saying no might hurt their feelings. But you are not responsible for that.

One friend might be excited that you are prioritizing yourself, and the other may feel hurt—it is then their responsibility to cope with their own feelings.

We all have our thoughts, feelings, opinions, desires, wishes and values. We are separate people. And it is our responsibility to cope with our inside experiences. You cannot control how others feel. Instead, we are responsible for how we communicate and say no to other people.

4. Say no.

You can say no in many kind and caring ways.

If you whisper your no, the other person will not hear you, and will likely push again.

If you scream, "Can't you see how overwhelmed I am?!" (a more aggressive remark) or mutter, "Yeah sure, 'I'll help you just after I change two diapers and do a million other things," (a passive-aggressive remark), it may not be the kindest way to express that you are overwhelmed.

An assertive, kind and caring ''no'' sounds like, "I know you need my help right now (empathize with the other person). However, I am not able to give you help (state what you need). Next time I would like to be able to help you (clarify for next time)."

Notice that your ''no'' does not include an apology. You do not need to apologize for having a boundary. You have a right to say no.

5. Take the broken record approach.

Remember, if you are a caregiver others will not be used to you saying no. Whether it's a coworker asking you to help with a project, a boss calling you after working hours, or a family member asking you to do a task, these people are likely not used to hearing you set boundaries.

They might even say, "But it 'won't take that much time," or "Just this time." If you change your no, you teach others that they can push and make you change your mind. Once you have decided to say no, maintain your boundary and repeat it. "'I'm not able to do this," over and over again.

6. Slow down.

Life moves so quickly. In a few clicks, I have enough items showing up to my front door to dress my newborn, entertain my toddler and host a play-date.

I can be in contact with 10 people at a time.

My child is asking for a snack, while I'm nursing my newborn, while also texting a friend to let them know I'm going to be late for our playdate.

Sound familiar? We move so quickly all day long.

Setting boundaries and learning to say no will take you slowing down. Before responding to someone's request, consider giving yourself some time away to reflect on what the other person is asking you, and whether you truly have the energy to provide them with.

Often, the answer is no, but you need space first to find that no.

7. Let go of your guilt.

Guilt is a powerful emotion, and mothers are particularly prone to experiencing it. Our society and social media place tremendous pressure on mothers—to have it all, to do it all, and to get it all perfect. It is no wonder that when you begin to prioritize your own wellness that you feel guilty.

The challenge with guilt is that the more you avoid doing something out of guilt, the more you will feel guilty. It becomes a vicious cycle. If you feel guilty for saying no, I encourage you to begin to say no!

8. Become your dearest friend.

What would you say to your closest friend if she said no to helping you? And could you say this message to yourself?

Self-compassion is showing kindness and caring towards ourselves for our struggle. If you struggle with saying no, try acknowledging the struggle and then allowing yourself to say whatever it is to yourself that you would say to your dearest friend. You might even come up with a mantra or statement and put this somewhere to remind yourself during times of saying no.

9. Lean on others that also respect your boundaries.

Fill yourself up with those who are understanding when you say no. If you are someone that tends to help others, you likely don't ask for help often. When we are busy giving to other people, we minimize our own needs. By doing this, others don't know that we need help

But we all need help and support at some point.

So what might you ask for help with? Maybe you start by asking for 20 minutes between meal time and bedtime to yourself. Perhaps you take an hour to yourself on the weekend. Perhaps instead of trying to problem solve something on your own, you reach out for advice. Or, you let others know how you are feeling in this moment.

Dear mama, the extreme exhaustion of this stage is real. Taking more "me time" is not enough—and we need to reconsider how we are in our relationships. We are hard-wired to connect with others. It's important to us. So re-evaluating your boundaries and learning to put yourself first can be incredibly challenging – but this is key when life's demands are changing in front of you moment-to-moment.

Remember that while so often our children bring us joy, this season in life is also incredibly hard. And you are doing your best.

You might also like:

Why do all of my good parenting or baby-focused inventions come after they've already been invented by someone else? Sigh.

Like the Puj hug hooded baby towel, aka the handiest, softest cotton towel ever created.

Safely removing a wet, slippery baby from the bath can be totally nerve-wracking, and trying to hold onto a towel at the same time without soaking it in the process seems to require an extra arm altogether. It's no wonder so much water ends up on the floor, the countertops, or you(!) after bathing your little one. Their splashing and kicking in the water is beyond adorable, of course, but the clean up after? Not as much.

It sounds simple: Wash your child, sing them a song or two, let them play with some toys, then take them out, place a towel around them, and dry them off. Should be easy, peasy, lemon squeezy, right?

But it hasn't been. It's been more—as one of my favorite memes says—difficult, difficult, lemon difficult. Because until this towel hit the bathtime scene, there was no easy-peasy way to pick up your squirming wet baby without drenching yourself and/or everything around you.

Plus, there is nothing cuter than a baby in a plush hooded towel, right? Well, except when it's paired with a dry, mess-free floor, maybe.

Check out our favorites to make bathtime so much easier:

Keep reading Show less
Shop

Motherly editors’ 7 favorite hacks for organizing their diaper bags

Make frantically fishing around for a diaper a thing of the past!

As any parent knows, the term "diaper bag" only scratches the surface. In reality, this catchall holds so much more: a change of clothes, bottles, snacks, wipes and probably about a dozen more essential items.

Which makes finding the exact item you need, when you need it (read: A diaper when you're in public with a blowout on your hands) kind of tricky.

That's why organization is the name of the game when it comes to outings with your littles. We pooled the Motherly team of editors to learn some favorite hacks for organizing diaper bags. Here are our top tips.

1. Divide and conquer with small bags

Here's a tip we heard more than a few times: Use smaller storage bags to organize your stuff. Not only is this helpful for keeping related items together, but it can also help keep things from floating around in the expanse of the larger diaper bag. These bags don't have to be anything particularly fancy: an unused toiletry bag, pencil case or even plastic baggies will work.

2. Have an emergency changing kit

When you're dealing with a diaper blowout situation, it's not the time to go searching for a pack of wipes. Instead, assemble an emergency changing kit ahead of time by bundling a change of baby clothes, a fresh diaper, plenty of wipes and hand sanitizer in a bag you can quickly grab. We're partial to pop-top wipes that don't dry out or get dirty inside the diaper bag.

3. Simplify bottle prep

Organization isn't just being able to find what you need, but also having what you need. For formula-feeding on the go, keep an extra bottle with the formula you need measured out along with water to mix it up. You never know when your outing will take longer than expected—especially with a baby in the mix!

4. Get resealable snacks

When getting out with toddlers and older kids, snacks are the key to success. Still, it isn't fun to constantly dig crumbs out of the bottom of your diaper bag. Our editors love pouches with resealable caps and snacks that come in their own sealable containers. Travel-sized snacks like freeze-dried fruit crisps or meal-ready pouches can get an unfair reputation for being more expensive, but that isn't the case with the budget-friendly Comforts line.

5. Keep a carabiner on your keychain

You'll think a lot about what your child needs for an outing, but you can't forget this must-have: your keys. Add a carabiner to your keychain so you can hook them onto a loop inside your diaper bag. Trust us when we say it's a much better option than dumping out the bag's contents on your front step to find your house key!

6. Bundle your essentials

If your diaper bag doubles as your purse (and we bet it does) you're going to want easy access to your essentials, too. Dedicate a smaller storage bag of your diaper bag to items like your phone, wallet and lip balm. Then, when you're ready to transfer your items to a real purse, you don't have to look for them individually.

7. Keep wipes in an outer compartment

Baby wipes aren't just for diaper changes: They're also great for cleaning up messy faces, wiping off smudges, touching up your makeup and more. Since you'll be reaching for them time and time again, keep a container of sensitive baby wipes in an easily accessible outer compartment of your bag.

Another great tip? Shop the Comforts line on www.comfortsforbaby.com to find premium baby products for a fraction of competitors' prices. Or, follow @comfortsforbaby for more information!

This article was sponsored by The Kroger Co. Thank you for supporting the brands that supporting Motherly and mamas.

Our Partners
International Network for Aid, Relief and Assistance (INARA)

It's 2020. The world is changing. It's hard to believe but the old decade is over, the new one is here and it is bringing a lot of new life with it. The babies born this year are members of Generation Alpha and the world is waiting for them.

We're only a few months into the new year and there are already some new celebrity arrivals making headlines while making their new parents proud.

If your little one arrived (or is due to arrive) in 2020, they've got plenty of high profile company.

Here are all the celebrity babies born in 2020 (so far):

Keep reading Show less
News