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What if all I want is a ‘mediocre’ life?

What if I all I want is a small, slow, simple life? What if I am most happy in the space of in between? Where calm lives. What if I am mediocre and choose to be at peace with that?

The world is such a noisy place. Loud, haranguing voices lecturing me to hustle, to improve, build, strive, yearn, acquire, compete and grasp for more. For bigger and better. Sacrifice sleep for productivity. Strive for excellence. Go big or go home. Have a huge impact in the world. Make your life count.

But what if I just don’t have it in me?

What if all the striving for excellence leaves me sad, worn out, depleted? Drained of joy. Am I simply not enough?

What if I never really amount to anything when I grow up—beyond mom and sister and wife? But these people in my primary circle of impact know they are loved and I would choose them again, given the choice. Can this be enough?

This will have to be enough.

And if I have been married 21 years and love my husband more today than yesterday but have never had a fairy tale romance and break the “experts” marriage rules about doing a ton of activities together and having a bunch in common. And we don’t. And we like time apart and time together. Is our marriage good enough?

What if I am a mom who delights in her kids but needs time for herself and sometimes just wants to be first and doesn’t like to play but who hugs and affirms and supports her kids in their passions? A mediocre mom who can never live up to her own expectations of good enough, let alone yours.

What if I embrace my limitations and stop railing against them? Make peace with who I am and what I need and honor your right to do the same. Accept that all I want is a small, slow, simple life. A mediocre life. A beautiful, quiet, gentle life.

I think it is enough.

This article was originally published on A Life In Progress.

Krista O'Reilly Davi-Digui

Krista writes at A Life in Progress and is a Holistic Nutrition & Joyful Living Educator. Connect with her on Facebook and Instagram.

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Save a bundle on baby gear at Walmart.com right now, mama

It's no secret that having a baby or growing your family is expensive, and a lot of that upfront cost is on baby gear. Car seats, strollers, travel systems, high chairs—it all adds up. Which is why mamas are always on the lookout for the best savings.

The good news? You don't have to sacrifice your dream item because of the price tag. For all of September, Walmart.com's Best of Baby Month has savings on so many baby items.

Here are the best savings—hurry because they won't last long!

Graco 4Ever 4-in-1 Convertible Car Seat, Cameron

This car seat has nearly 2,000 5-star reviews and for good reason. It's made to grow with your child (up to 120 pounds!) so you don't have to continually purchase multiple car seats. Your little one will stay comfortable with the 10-position headrest and 6-position recline. And mama will love the FussFree harness and InRight LATCH system that makes installation and getting in and out of the seat seamless.

Price: $199.99 (regularly $269.99)

SHOP

Graco Blossom 6 in 1 Convertible High Chair, Studio

If you're looking for a high chair to grow with your family, this one offers six height adjustments and multiple recline positions to take it from an infant high chair up to a youth chair. With a super comfy and (score!) spill-friendly seat pad, you can easily wipe it down or throw it in the washer for easy cleanup.

Price: $131.99 (regularly $189.99)

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Baby Trend Expedition Jogger Travel System

Looking for a quality travel system without breaking the bank? Look no further. This will work for your newborn up to 50 pounds, or 42 inches tall. With multiple positions—forward and rear-facing—a 5-point safety harness and large rear all-terrain tires, you and your little will run around with ease no matter where you adventure.

Price: $132.22 (regularly $143.99)

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Fisher-Price Cradle 'n Swing, Sweet Snugapuppy

For when you inevitably need a break or want to be hands-free, this swing will be your favorite. It has two swinging modes so they can rock side-to-side or head-to-toe and numerous customizable features to ensure your child is as comfortable as can be.

Price: $106.99 (regularly $127.90)

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Safety 1st Grow and Go Sprint 3-in-1 Convertible Car Seat

If you'd prefer a non-bulky car seat, this one takes up less space in the back seat without compromising on safety. It has harness holders so you can place them out of the way while you're getting your kid in and out. Plus, it grows into three stages—up to 100 pounds.

Price: $134 (regularly $149)

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This article is sponsored by Walmart. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.

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When fathers in Spain were given more paternity leave, they wanted fewer children

What happens when men get paternity leave (and actually take it)? In America, most fathers take less than two weeks off after the birth of a child so there's not enough information to draw any data, but in Spain when fathers got parental leave they started wanting fewer children.

As first reported by Quartz, most dads in Spain have been getting two weeks of parental leave since 2007, and the amount was doubled to four weeks in 2017. In 2018, the dads got another extra week and more increases are expected. It makes sense that the program will be expanded because it's been super successful: Dads who take parental leave still go back to work, but are more engaged with their children, and the moms are more likely to get back to work because they have an engaged partner to help carry the load.

That's what researchers found when they looked back on the data, but that also found something surprising: After taking parental leave, the dads in Spain now want fewer kids.

In a study published in the Journal of Public Economics researchers suggest the reason Spanish dads might want fewer kids now is because they're more aware of how hard it is to bring up kids. At the same time, mothers started showing an interest in having slightly more children, suggesting that when the workload is more evenly shared, motherhood is more enjoyable.

There are a number of factors at play here, and it's really impossible to say if the paternity leave policies are the only reason why Spanish moms and dads are rethinking the right number of children for their families, but we know this: Right now a lot of dads want to be doing more childcare, but feel like they can't. At the same time, fathers are happier than mothers because when they do spend time with their kids, it's more often on fun things.

A recent study out of the University of California Riverside found that dads are more likely to be playing with the kids while moms are more likely to be doing the "work" of raising kids. But as the Spanish data suggests, when dads are able to take the time to do some of the day-to-day stuff, both parents benefit.

It follows that parental leave for dads is good for fathers and mothers and babies. Dads don't go back to work so early that they feel like they're not really a parent, moms have support and a partner who truly understands the demands of parenting, and babies are healthier. We also know that when dads take leave they feel more engaged in fatherhood and infant mortality rates go down.

Other countries can't copy and paste Spain's paternity leave policy, but we can certainly learn from it when making our own.

[This post was originally published May 16, 2019.]

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News

Mama, having someone to vent to is important to your health (and your baby's)

We know that having a supportive village is crucial for new parents. Having the support of people who love us and can relate to our journey is huge and can make a big difference in our mental health. Motherhood is beautiful, but sometimes mama needs to vent to someone who understands.

A new study shows that having a circle of friends to vent to and rely on isn't just good for mama, it's good for baby's brain, too.

Researchers found that when moms have a supportive network of friends, their toddlers do better on cognitive tests. On average, moms reported having three to four people in their social network they could rely on for help. When moms had fewer people to rely on, their toddlers had lower cognitive test scores. When moms had more people, the scores went up.

"Outside the family context, mothers with larger social networks may be able to draw on resources from those networks that alleviate some of the burdens associated with parenting," the study co-author Kaja LeWinn told Reuters.

According to LeWinn, the people in our social circles often provide emotional support, but also real-world support, like of babysitting, running an errand for us or tipping us off when the local day care has an open spot. "These resources may reduce parenting stress and improve maternal mental health, both of which are positively associated with child cognitive development," says LeWinn.

When moms are supported, babies do better. That's a fact.

But it's also a fact that new motherhood can be really lonely. It's especially hard if you don't live in the same city as your support network, but moving far from home is a reality for many millennial parents seeking employment opportunities.

If you don't have three to four people locally you can depend on, don't worry mama. You can find them.

Here are some ways to build up your social network if you are feeling lonely:

1. Join a group: This can be hard for the more introverted among us, but joining an in-person mom group or meet-up in your community is a great way to meet people who are in a similar season of life and who you'll likely have a lot in common with.

Organizations like La Leche League International and Babywearing International often have local meet-ups, and community-based mom groups are a thing in nearly every city and town.

2. Reach out online: Local Facebook groups for moms can be a great place to start connecting with people in your area who could become your support system.

There are also several apps totally dedicated to making mom friends. Peanut has been described as "Tinder for mom friends." You swipe until you find a mama you think you could connect with, and maybe you'll make a match. HelloMamas is another app that can help you connect with local moms with similar interests.

3. Find your "thing:" Find a thing you do at the same time every week. Just being a consistent face at an activity in your community is going to help you connect with other people. You may not leave with a phone number on day one, but a few weeks in you might have a new connection you can start leaning on (and supporting).

Maybe it's baby swimming lessons. Maybe it's strollercizing. Maybe it's free story time at the library. Maybe you're just hitting up the playground at the same time every day. Just keep showing up long enough and you'll find some people who can show up for you.

[A version of this post was originally published February 6, 2019. It has been updated.]

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News

Chance the Rapper postpones tour for paternity leave 🎉

The dads of today are doing an amazing job. They're spending 3 times as much time with their kids than the previous generation of dads did, and it shows in their kids. An involved dad can boost a child's cognitive, behavioral and psychological development, research shows.

The vast majority of dads—85%, according to a recent survey—say they would do anything to be able to be very involved in the early weeks and months after their child's birth and Chance the Rapper is no exception. He just made the hard choice to delay his highly anticipated tour so that he could spend more time at home with his week-old daughter, Marli.

Chance and his wife, Kirsten Corley, just welcomed Marli a week ago. She joins big sister Kensli, who was born in 2015. Chance has learned a lot about fatherhood since Kensli was born and that is why he's decided to postpone the tour.

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Montessori at home: 6 phrases to say when your child constantly asks, 'Why?'

I want my child to be curious, to be a relentless learner, a constant seeker of new information. As a teacher, it's one of the things I want most.

He, as well as other toddlers, have a tendency to begin the onslaught of "whys" when I'm trying to focus on driving through a tricky traffic situation, or trying to cook dinner while his little sister is crying and demanding to be held. I don't think this is a coincidence. Asking "why" is something children do when they're curious, but it's also a simple way they can engage, start a conversation.

So how do we protect and encourage our children's beautiful curiosity without losing our patience from the constant barrage of questions?

Here are six phrases to say when your child constantly asks, "why?":

1. "Let's revisit his questions when we're eating dinner together."

My toddler now knows that when I'm making dinner, it's not a good time for "why questions." Does this mean he never does it? No, of course not. But I have explained that this is a busy time when a lot is going on and that it stresses me out to try to answer a lot of questions while cooking.

When he begins to ask "why," I remind him of the boundary and offer him other ways to engage like helping me chop vegetables.

Think about the boundaries you want to set and explain them to your child at a neutral time. You will likely have to repeat the new rule many, many times, but eventually your child will internalize it.

2. "Why?"

One of the most effective responses to "why?" is in fact, asking "why?"

Here's an example:

Child: "Why do birds eat berries?"

Parent: "Why do birds eat berries?"

Child: "Probably because they're tasty."

Sometimes a child asks "why?" simply because they want to talk about something, to discuss their own theory. They don't always need a direct answer. Responding with a question gives your child a chance to try out an explanation and helps develop their critical thinking skills.

Here's an example: If they're wildly off base, you can always offer your own explanation too.

Child: "Why are giraffes so tall?"

Parent: "Why are giraffes so tall?"

Child: "Probably so they can win at basketball."

Parent: "Hmm. I bet it helps them reach the leaves high up on trees too. Giraffes love to eat leaves."

3. "That's an interesting question, I'm going to write that down so we can think about it some more later."

If you can tell your child is really curious about something but you don't have the answer or don't have time to explain at the moment, write their question down. Even young children who can't read or write yet recognize that when you write something down, it's important to you. Just be sure to answer the questions on a rainy day.

4. "I don't know."

Don't feel like you need to have all of the answers. "I don't know" is a perfectly acceptable response.

Show your child how to look in a book or ask an expert or search the internet for an answer. Show them how to find a book on a certain topic at the library. You don't have to do this every time, but researching together can be a wonderful way to promote a love of learning.

5. "Wow! That's a pretty cool bike. Remember we had so much fun riding it last weekend?"

Young children are still learning conversation skills, and being inquisitive helps them learn. When your child asks, "Why is my bike red?" they might really just be inviting you to have a conversation about their bike.

If your child is asking a question that doesn't seem like a real question, try interpreting it as a conversation starter. Respond by talking about their bike in general, maybe recalling how they had such a fun ride last weekend or how they went with you to pick it out on their birthday.

6. "I recognize that you want my attention right now. I'm working on the computer and I know that's hard for you."

This brief acknowledgement can help reset a toddler whose mood is rapidly deteriorating. Even if it doesn't satisfy them, they at least know that you recognize how they are feeling.

Try saying something like, "I see you want my attention right now. I'm working on the computer and I know that's hard for you. Let's take a hug break, and we can talk more about your questions as soon as I'm done."

Yes, I admit that I sometimes find the constant string of "whys" really difficult. But at the same time, I hope they never disappear. I want my child to retain that sense of wonder and curiosity about the world. I want him to ask "why?" instead of blindly accepting the way things are. I know I have to be careful not to stifle this when I'm feeling frazzled.

If you're feeling this way, too, pause and consider the reason your toddler is asking "why?" at the moment. Knowing whether it's curiosity, attention seeking or simply an attempt to push your buttons will help you decide how to respond.

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