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There comes a point in all of our lives when we’re ready to make a change.


Maybe we want to lose weight. Maybe we think we’re drinking too much. Maybe we’re spending way too much on eating out. Maybe we’re hiding a serious addiction and gambling thousands of dollars away, watching as our children’s college fund goes down the drain. Or maybe we’re missing dinner with our family every night because we’re staying at work later and later.

Whatever it might be, we’ll eventually recognize that we’re living out of alignment, and that we’re either ready for a change…or in desperate need of it.

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But change is hard, right? And shifting a routine can feel nearly impossible at times – even when we’re fully committed to it.

So what do we do? How do we help ourselves? And how do we ask our partner to support us along the way?

Here are SIX tips to get you started:


1. Start the conversation.


Truth is, if we’re wanting to make a change (large or small), our partner has probably already noticed that it’s an “issue” for us too. Whether they’ve voiced it or kept it quiet, it’s likely that it’s been on their radar at some point.

So, a great place to start is by having a conversation that sheds light on “the issue”. Let your partner know that it’s something you want to change. No need to go into details just yet…just get the ball rolling.

“You may have noticed this already, but I’m not feeling great about __________. I want to make a change by doing ___________ instead, and I want your help.”

2. Schedule a time to talk more in depth.


We all want and need kind and compassionate support. We all know that creating change can be hard, but having support and a partner who lovingly challenges us and calls attention to it can really help.

Schedule a time to talk. When we’re prepared to speak and listen, the process has a better chance. Set an appointment. Make sure the time works for both of you. Then think about how you’ll present the change you want to make to your partner.

For example, “I’ve been thinking a lot about my growth recently, and I notice these things are getting in the way (list small or large issues that you want to change.) I want to tell you more about it. When is a good time for us to sit down and talk about it? Can we take an hour over the weekend at some point?”

3. Listen to understand, not to respond.


Oh it’s so easy for our partners to want to fix everything right then and there. “Tell me the problem and I’ll fix it!” “This is what you should do…it’s easy!” (Sound familiar?!) Even though they generally mean well, what’s often most effective is actually just listening to understand.

We all have a tendency to already be thinking about what it is we’ll say in response to a person before they’re even done speaking. Our minds are going a mile a minute, and unfortunately, we often miss a whole lot of what the person is sharing with us when we do that.

So...we all need to slow d o w n. Let your partner know that what you need is for them to just listen for right now, and that you’ll want help putting a plan together later.

Plus, we’re more willing to listen to advice from the people we believe understand us.

4. Come up with a plan together.


Now it’s time! Both of you should take some time to think about how you can make those changes? Are there simple shifts that can be made that come to mind? What are the things each of you thinks might get in the way? What can both of you do to make the change easier?

Come together and share your plan with your partner. Invite their help, thoughts, and suggestions.

“What do you think about this?” “Would you do anything differently?” “Am I missing anything?” “Where do you think I”ll struggle most?”

Write out a new plan together. Put pen to paper. Be as specific as you possibly can, and prepare that first week together. Doing this can hold us accountable. Take it week by week. Doing more than that can sometimes overwhelm us in the beginning.

5. Ask for support.


Think about how you want support from your partner, and be clear about those expectations. Remember, they’re not mind readers no matter how much you wish for that.

Be direct. Need a reminder text every day — ask them for it. Want your partner to ‘call you out’ when you slip up — invite them to do it gently by using compassionate and kind language. Need a check in at the end of the day to share how closely you were able to follow the plan — communicate that it’s what’s going to help you achieve your goals.

Be clear and direct. It will help your partner know exactly how to support you in the way that you need them to. Your needs are allowed to change, and something that you think you might want may not work at all. Nothing is set in stone. Flexibility is key!

6. Check in + give feedback.


Once that plan is in place and you’re working hard at it, check in with each other to see how the support and change is going. This is a beautiful space for transparency. This is where we have the opportunity to say “this is what I need more of” or, “this isn’t working for me…let’s try this instead.”

Some of this is trial and error. The two of you are learning how to best support each other, and you’re allowed to get things wrong. As long as you’re willing to give and receive feedback from one another — you should be in good shape.

Don’t be afraid to ask for professional help either. Sometimes the change we need to make takes more than our desire and the support from our partner. If you’re struggling with it, growing your support community should be seen as a positive. Challenge the part of you that feels embarrassed or ashamed. There are plenty of people who want to help and are ready or your call.

*An added tip!


Research from Dr. John Gottman shows that we need about 5:1 positive to negative exchanges with each other to have a healthy relationship. It’s normal (and healthy!) to have some negative interactions in the relationship, but positivity is what truly nourishes your love. Be mindful of this when delivering feedback, and share this with your partner so they can be aware too!

For example, “I know you’re working so hard at this, and I notice all of your effort, but I think you missed an opportunity to be better, sweetie. I’m so proud of you, though. I know how hard this is.”

You see how positive this exchange is even though they’re still calling their partner to be better?

Change is a critical time to be flooded with positivity. It helps us feel motivated and can push us forward. Be gentle with your own inner dialogue also. It’s not just about what others are saying to you, it has a lot to do with what you’re saying to you too.

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So far 2020 has been a year of big changes for Meghan Markle and her husband, Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex. Earlier this month the royal couple announced their plans to step back as senior members of the royal family. Initially, the plan was for the couples to retain their royal tiles and raise their "son with an appreciation for the royal tradition into which he was born" while also give themselves the space to work and live in North America. Sometimes young parents have to make tough choices to do what's best for their new family and that can mean making changes that impact your family of origin.

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On Sunday, during a speech at a charity event for Sentebale (an organization Prince Harry co-founded to get support children living with HIV in Southern Africa), the Duke of Sussex explained that stepping back from being a senior royal wasn't easy but had to be done.

"The UK is my home and a place that I love," he explained. "That will never change...The decision that I have made for my wife and I to step back is not one I made lightly," he said. "It was so many months of talks after so many years of challenges. And I know I haven't always gotten it right, but as far as this goes, there really was no other option."

This follows the Queen's announcement earlier this weekend. She stated that her family has found a way for Harry and Meghan to move forward, and it means they're not only not senior royals anymore, they do not have HRH titles (His Royal Highness or Her Royal Highness) anymore and "are no longer working members of the Royal Family."

The statement from the Queen reads, in part: "Following many months of conversations and more recent discussions, I am pleased that together we have found a constructive and supportive way forward for my grandson and his family.

"Harry, Meghan and Archie will always be much loved members of my family.

"I recognise the challenges they have experienced as a result of intense scrutiny over the last two years and support their wish for a more independent life.

"I want to thank them for all their dedicated work across this country, the Commonwealth and beyond, and am particularly proud of how Meghan has so quickly become one of the family.

"It is my whole family's hope that today's agreement allows them to start building a happy and peaceful new life."

The Queen's statement explains that Harry and Meghan have "shared their wish to repay Sovereign Grant expenditure for the refurbishment of Frogmore Cottage, which will remain their UK family home."

Basically, they're serious about being financially independent and they're going to pay rent on the cottage.

Untangling family issues can be hard, and it is difficult for anyone to imagine what it must be like to live this out on the world's stage. In her statement, the Queen said she understands the role the intense press scrutiny has played in the couple's decision to forge a new path, and that they will always be her family.

Whether you're leaving the royal family to move to Canada, or just trying to explain to your parents that your own family needs to move to another state, the challenges are real.

Here's to a new chapter for Harry and Meghan and all the other new parents writing their own stories.

[This post was originally published January 18, 2020. It has been updated.]

News

Motherhood is a juggling act. Whether you have one child or many, work outside the home or don't, have a partner or are doing this whole thing solo, you are always juggling something. So how on earth do we keep up the act? How do we ensure no ball gets dropped?

We don't.

All of us, every single one, lets something slip through our fingers on some occasion or another. And that's totally okay.

A friend from college recently commented on Instagram how peaceful and sweet my children seemed. I laughed out loud, and not an endearing chuckle, a wholehearted cackle. What a glorious and erroneous idea that my children are peaceful and sweet. I have three of these beautiful monsters, ages 12, 5 and 4 months. Our house sounds more like a child run circus than a zen meditation retreat.

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It is true that my children are sweet at times. And I will admit I try very hard to create a peaceful life and home, but those are not the two words I would ever use to describe our family. I might choose words like rambunctious, spirited, passionate and intense.

What I realized as I simultaneously smiled and snorted in laughter, was that I put a lot of work into creating a life on social media that looks just like that. Peaceful and sweet. I choose my words carefully, I edit my photos and of course choose only the best ones, the ones where everyone is smiling and we appear to love each other. The pictures of my children pulling each other's hair, stealing snacks and shouting that they hate each other don't get quite as many likes.

Don't get me wrong—my children often smile and we do love each other very much. But by carefully curating the life I post on social media I have unintentionally created something laughable. What a jolt to realize the very thing I'm striving for makes me laugh out loud when someone names it. Is there anything more inauthentic than that?

I am working to strive for authenticity and perfect imperfection.

I make mistakes, hurt those I love, burn dinner and that is what makes me human.

I drop the ball every single day in some large or small way—and that's okay. It is to be expected really.

It's what can give us the gift of connection. We can connect with one another via our faults and our vulnerabilities. We starve ourselves of this by pretending to be perfect.

As I write this I'm sitting in the front seat of my car in the parking lot of our local skate park, my youngest is napping in his car seat, my oldest is wearing a helmet and pads and is driving his new BMX bike as fast as he can up and down hills and ramps set at odd angles with weird curves among them.

This moment feels ideal t. The breeze blows through my open windows as my oldest is getting a great workout and my youngest slowly wakes up cooing.

We can only enjoy the moment if we are present within it. When I live my life constantly in a state of distraction, constantly keeping my eyes on all the balls I'm juggling, I'm not enjoying any of it.

I am not a master juggler at this moment in life. I don't think what I'm doing even looks like juggling. I do not have my eyes on all the balls, I am not even attempting to catch or toss them all in that perfect arc that looks so magical.

I prefer to relish these kinds of moments, soak up their joy, their peace, their sweetness and to do that I have to let go of the charade, I have to accept imperfection in the form of letting some balls drop.

I want to live a life full of authenticity and joy in the simple moments.

I want to live without the pressure of doing it all.

I want to give myself the gift of not doing everything the way it should be done by the imagined deadlines that cannot be met.

I want to enjoy my rambunctious, passionate children.

So I let the ball drop—and I'm okay with that.

Life

Feeding your new baby can be a beautiful experience, but it can also be really hard. We at Motherly have talked about it. Amy Schumer has talked about it. And now Kate Upton is talking about it, too.

Upton and her husband Justin Verlander became parents when their daughter Genevieve was born in November 2018, and in a new interview with Editorialist, Upton explains that while she loves motherhood she didn't always love breastfeeding.

"Having VeVe has changed my life in such a wonderful way," she explains, adding that in the early days of motherhood she felt "so much pressure"..."to be doing all these things, like breastfeeding on the go—when the reality, for me, was that breastfeeding was sucking the energy away from me. I realized I needed to calm down, to allow my body to recover."

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Breastfeeding can take up a lot of a mama's time and energy in those early weeks and months, and while Upton doesn't explicitly say whether she switched to formula, combo fed, pumped or what, it's clear that she did give herself some grace when it came to breastfeeding and found the right parenting pace by taking the pressure off of herself.

Upton took the pressure off herself when it came to her demanding breastfeeding schedule, and she's also resisting the pressure to keep up with a social media posting schedule.

"I want to be enjoying my life, enjoying my family, not constantly trying to take the perfect picture," she says. "I think my husband wants me to throw my phone away. We talk about it in the house all the time: 'Let's have a phone-free dinner.' We don't want [our daughter] thinking being on the phone is all that life is."

Whether the pressure to be perfect is coming from your phone or from society's conflicting exceptions of mothers it's a force worth rejecting. Upton is loving life at her own pace, imperfect as reallife can be.

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After the treat-filled sugar rush of holidays and birthdays, it can be hard to get back on track with eating healthy as a family. (What can I say, I love cake—and my kids do, too.) It's totally okay to hold your boundary for sugar in your kid's diet, no matter what that boundary is. And you can do it without being the bad guy.

Putting a positive spin on "the sugar issue" (letting kids know that they can have treats sometimes, but not all. the. time.) will help prevent sugar becoming an ongoing power struggle, which nobody wants.

Here are a few phrases that can help your kids eat less sugar, without creating a power struggle over treats:

1. "Holiday and birthday treats are so fun, but they're not for every day."

Acknowledge that all of the extra treats were fun (they were!). You can talk about how some foods are for special occasions and others are the ones we eat every day to have strong bodies and feel good.

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2. "I feel so much better when I eat lots of fruits and vegetables."

Instead of putting the emphasis on why sugar is bad, try focusing on all the good reasons to eat healthy foods. You can talk about how eating carrots gives us strong eyes, eating oranges keeps us from getting sniffles, or eating kale helps us feel good and have lots of energy for playing.

3. "Which fruit would you like to have with your lunch?"

Keep it fun by letting your child choose which healthy foods to eat. Two or three choices are fine. You can let them help pick at the grocery store or let them pick from the options you've selected—the important thing is to offer choice.

4. "Let's see if we can make a rainbow on your plate!"

Who doesn't love rainbows, especially among the under-six crowd? Use their universal appeal to your advantage and encourage kiddos to make their own edible rainbows.

Make it extra fun by writing a checklist with colored pencils, one checkbox for every rainbow color, and bringing it with you to the grocery store. Let your child choose one item from the produce section for every color.

5. "You can choose one treat with dinner, but candy isn't a choice for snack today."

Make sure kids know that they will still be able to enjoy treats sometimes. Instead of saying "candy makes you crazy," or "sugar rots your teeth," just let them know when you're okay with them having a treat. It may be every night after dinner, only on Friday nights, or it may not be until Valentine's Day, but having a clear boundary will help reduce the constant pleas for sweet treats.

6. "I think treats feel more special when we don't have them every day."

Talk to your child about how part of the fun of holiday treats is that they're out of the ordinary. They are special traditions we get to enjoy each year and they help make the holidays feel magical. Just as it wouldn't be as fun if we had a Christmas tree up all year or wore a Halloween costume every day, treats aren't as fun if we eat them nonstop.

7. "I hear that you really want candy. I can't let you have it right now, but it's okay to be disappointed."

Let your child know that you empathize with their feelings about not being able to eat what they want all of the time.

Sometimes children just need to be heard. It might be more important to them to know that you understand their feelings about treats than to actually get a treat.

8. "Let's think of a healthy treat we could get at the grocery store next week."

Brainstorm with your child and come up with a list of healthy treats you could bring home from your next grocery shopping trip. This might be a kind of fruit they haven't had in a while, a granola bar you don't usually buy, or the makings of a fun trail mix.

Part of the fun of treats is the ritual—you can still enjoy the sweetness without the extra sugar.

9. "Would you like to bake with me?"

Carry those fond memories of making Christmas cookies together into the new year to help wean kids off the holiday high of constant treats. Just find something you're okay with your child eating regularly, like a healthy muffin recipe, baked oatmeal, or energy bites—whatever meets your own nutritional guidelines for your family!

10. "I noticed you didn't sleep well when you ate those treats before nap time. Let's think of a better time for treats together."

You can explain the effects of sugar on the body without vilifying it. Sometimes just saying sugar is bad makes it all the more desirable or pits you against your child. But that doesn't mean you can't give them the facts. Just tell them plainly that sugar makes it harder for them to sleep well, makes it harder for them to concentrate, or whatever other effects you've seen.

Here's to a healthy 2020—you've got this, mama!

Learn + Play
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