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Parenthood brings so much joy—welcoming a baby to the family, getting to know your new little one, watching them discover their world, and helping them grow and flourish into healthy toddlers, preschoolers, teenagers, and eventually young adults. But in the transition to parenthood, couples shift their focus from each other to their children, while continuing to manage the everyday stresses of work, finances, extended families, friendships, health and more.


Parenting can be a significant source of stress for couples, leaving partners to feel like two ships passing in the night. Research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that couples experienced greater relationship decline following the transition to parenthood, compared to couples who did not have children—this suggests that during this most challenging transition time and the years to follow, couples need to take extra care to nurture their romantic relationship.

Here are some tools for keeping your relationship connected while being in the midst of parenthood:

1. Manage your stress

Being a couple means having the emotional space to be with another person. When we are stressed, our ability to tolerate difficulties decreases, and we experience anger and frustration much more easily. A partner’s sock left on the floor becomes a point of contention, rather than simply picking it up like the weeks prior. If you are not looking after your own stress level, you simply do not have space to look after someone else’s needs or emotions.

When it comes to looking after yourself, be mindful of the expression “You cannot pour from an empty cup,” which means you cannot give to others in you are not looking after yourself. Be sure to check in with your own stress levels before being able to tackle your relationship.

2. Be a united front

Dr. John Gottman, couple therapist and researcher, talks about couples moving from “me” to “we” which is created by finding ways to connect and understand their partner.

Moving into a “we”-ness also means becoming a united front as parents. Don’t blame the other person for a decision. Instead, take private time to discuss family decisions and parenting together, so that you can be consistent with your children, or with extended family.

Using “we” language helps others know you are a team. Stand up for your partner, or ask your partner to stand up for you. And be sure to let your family know that it is not okay to criticize your partner. This will send a clear message to your families that you are a package deal.

3. Listen to understand

Stephen Covey, author and motivational speaker, said, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand. They listen with the intent to reply.”

We know that when you do not feel listened to and connected with your partner, you will either fight to be heard even more (i.e., pursue your partner), or you will shut down (i.e., withdraw from your partner). This becomes a vicious negative cycle as a couple. It is really easy to be in your own perspective. It’s like playing volleyball in a tournament of love—you only see the ball coming AT you.

While all of your feelings are valid, there are two people in this relationship. When stress levels are high, or you have reached a difficult moment in parenting, try understanding what it is that your partner is communicating or requesting.

Ask questions to understand the who, what, why, when, where and how of what they are expressing. Is there an emotion that they are not sharing with you? Can you accept this difficult emotion? What is it that your partner is longing for? Where does this come from? When do they feel it? And the hardest, how might you be contributing to it?

4. Share your own feelings and needs

When I say assertiveness, clients often say, “So I should say no?” That is not what assertiveness is. Assertiveness is a type of communication style that respects the needs of yourself while respecting the needs of the other person.

Try first to empathize with your partner about what they want or what they did. Next, share your feelings to help the other person understand what you need. Use “I feel” and “I need” language. But take note, this is not the same as saying “I feel like you never spend time with us as a family”. This is not a feeling. Try “I feel…” and insert happy, sad, scared, alone, etc., and help your partner understand when this happens and what you need. For example, “I feel sad that we don’t have time together. I need us to have a date night.”

Try to avoid criticizing your partner when asking for help—this will allow them to be more open to hearing your request, rather than growing defensive.

5. Know when to let it go

A healthy relationship does not mean resolving every conflict that arises. As two individuals, you each have your own thoughts, feelings, desires, values and opinions. It is inevitable that you will have disagreements. Recognize that it is okay to have differences—after all, these differences likely attracted you to your partner. You do not have to resolve every conflict. Instead, know when to let it go and to return to being on the same team.

6. Schedule a date

It’s so easy to slip into meeting everyone else’s needs and demands, especially as parents. In addition to taking time for self-care to manage your own stress levels, make a point to schedule time as a couple—and keep that commitment. It doesn’t have to be a formal date night with a sitter. It could be sharing a special drink after the kids go to bed, watching a movie, or playing your favorite game. Or perhaps it is an intimate conversation. Try downloading the Gottman Card Deck App to start interesting conversations that build connection. The point is to have uninterrupted time with just the two of you.

7. Seek professional help

Sometimes conflict, either related to parenting, extended families or issues in the relationship, has been long-standing. What we know about couples is that they can get into negative, reinforcing cycles, which prevent them from being able to resolve their conflict.

The average couple will wait six years before seeking help. Waiting to seek help can lead to further entrenchment of these negative cycles and make moving forward in your relationship more challenging.

There will never be an ideal time to work through your marital issues—something will always come up. I encourage couples to attend therapy sooner rather than waiting for things to hit rock bottom. A trained couple therapists can help you learn to change your negative patterns in your relationship, improve your communication, and increase your physical and emotional connection.

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Parents in New Jersey will soon get more money and more time for parental leave after welcoming a baby.

This week New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy signed off on legislation that extends New Jersey's paid family leave from six weeks to 12.

It also increases the benefit cap from 53% of the average weekly wage to 70%, meaning the maximum benefit for a parent on family leave will be $860 a week, up from $650.

It might not seem like a huge difference, but by raising the benefit from two-thirds of a parent's pay to 85%, lawmakers in New Jersey are hoping to encourage more parents to actually take leave, which is good for the parents, their baby and their family. "Especially for that new mom and dad, we know that more time spent bonding with a child can lead to a better long-term outcome for that child," Murphy said at a press conference this week.

The law will also make it easier for people to take time off when a family member is sick.

Because NJ's paid leave is funded through payroll deductions, workers could see an increase in those deductions, but Murphy is betting that workers and businesses will see the benefits in increasing paid leave benefits. "Morale goes up, productivity goes up, and more money goes into the system," Murphy said. "And increasingly, companies big and small realize that a happy workforce and a secure workforce is a key ingredient to their success."

The new benefits will go into effect in July 2020 (making next Halloween a good time to get pregnant in the Garden State).

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Whether you just need to stock up on diapers or you've had your eye on a specific piece of baby gear, you might want to swing by your local Walmart this Saturday, February 23rd.

Walmart's big "Baby Savings Day" is happening from 10:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. at participating Walmarts (but more deals can be found online at Walmart.com already and the website deals are happening for the rest of the month).

About 3,000 of the 3,570 Supercenter locations are participating in the sale (check here to see if your local Walmart is).

The deals vary, but in general you can expect up to 30% off on items like cribs, strollers, car seats, wipes, diapers and formula.

Some items, like this Graco Modes 3 Lite Travel System have been marked down by more than $100. Other hot items include this Lille Baby Complete Carrier (It's usually $119, going for $99 during the sale) and the Graco 4Ever 4-in-1 Convertible Car Seat (for as low as $199).

So if you're in need of baby gear, you should check out this sale. Travel gear isn't the only category that's been marked down, there are some steep discounts on breast pumps, too.

Many of the Walmart locations will also be offering samples and expert demos of certain products on Saturday so it's worth checking out!

Motherly is your daily #momlife manual; we are here to help you easily find the best, most beautiful products for your life that actually work. We share what we love—and we may receive a commission if you choose to buy. You've got this.

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Any Schumer has not had an easy pregnancy. She intended to keep working, but if you follow her on social media you know she's been very sick through each trimester.

And now in her final trimester she's had to cancel her tour due to hyperemesis gravidarum, also known as HG. It's a rare but very serious form of extreme morning sickness, and on Friday evening Schumer announced she is canceling the rest of her tour because of it.

“I vomit every time [I] ride in a car even for 5 minutes," Schumer explained in an Instagram post.

Due to the constant vomiting she's not cleared to fly and just can't continue to the tour.

This is not the first time Schumer has had to make an announcement about HG. Back in November, just weeks after announcing her pregnancy, she had to cancel shows and again broke the news via Instagram.

She posted a photo of herself in a hospital bed with her little dog Tati, and spelled out the details of her health issues in the caption. "I have hyperemesis and it blows," Schumer wrote.

Poor Amy. Hyperemesis gravidarum is really tough.

Kate Middleton, Ayesha Curry and Motherly co-founder Elizabeth Tenety are among those who, like Schumer, have suffered from this form of severe morning sickness that can be totally debilitating.

As she previously wrote for Motherly, Tenety remembers becoming desperately ill, being confined to her apartment (mostly her bed) and never being far from a trash can, "I lost 10% of my body weight. I became severely dehydrated. I couldn't work. I couldn't even get out of bed. I could barely talk on the phone to tell my doctor how sick I was—begging them to please give me something, anything—to help."

Thankfully, she found relief through a prescription for Zofran, an anti-nausea drug.


Schumer probably knows all about that drug. It looks she is getting the medical help she obviously needs, and she was totally right to cancel the tour in order to stay as healthy as possible.

We're glad to see Schumer is getting help, and totally understand why she would have to cancel her shows. Any mama who has been through HG will tell you, that wouldn't be a show you'd want front row seats for anyway.

Get well soon, Amy!

[A version of this post was published November 15, 2018. It has been updated.]

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As a military spouse, Cydney Cooper is used to doing things alone. But when she delivered her twin daughters early after complications due to Influenza A, she was missing her husband Skylar more than ever.

Recovering from the flu and an emergency C-section, and trying to parent the couple's two older boys and be with her new infant daughters in the NICU, Cydney was exhausted and scared and just wanted her husband who was deployed in Kuwait with the Army and wasn't expected home for weeks.

Alone in the NICU 12 days after giving birth, Cydney was texting an update on the twins to her husband when he walked through the door to shoulder some of the massive burden this mama was carrying.

"I was typing up their summary as best I could and trying to remember every detail to tell him when I looked up and saw him standing there. Shock, relief, and the feeling that everything was just alright hit me at once. I just finally let go," she explains in a statement to Motherly.

The moment was captured on video thanks to a family member who was in on Skylar's surprise and the reunion has now gone viral, having been viewed millions of times. It's an incredible moment for the couple who hadn't seen each other since Skylar had a three-day pass in seven months earlier.

Cydney had been caring for the couple's two boys and progressing in her pregnancy when, just over a week before the viral video was taken, she tested positive for Influenza A and went into preterm labor. "My husband was gone, my babies were early, I had the flu, and I was terrified," she tells Motherly.

"Over the next 48 hours they were able to stop my labor and I was discharged from the hospital. It only lasted two days and I went right back up and was in full on labor that was too far to stop."

Cydney needed an emergency C-section due to the babies' positioning, and her medical team could not allow anyone who had previously been around her into the operating room because anyone close to Cydney had been exposed to the flu.

"So I went in alone. The nurses and doctors were wonderful and held my hand through the entire thing but at the same time, I felt very very alone and scared. [Skylar] had been present for our first two and he was my rock and I didn't have him when I wanted him the most. But I did it! He was messaging me the second they wheeled me to recovery. Little did I know he was already working on being on his way."

When he found out his baby girls were coming early Skylar did everything he could to get home, and seeing him walk into the NICU is a moment Cydney will hold in her heart and her memory forever. "I had been having to hop back and forth from our sons to our daughters and felt guilty constantly because I couldn't be with all of them especially with their dad gone. It was one of the most amazing moments of my life and I won't be forgetting it."

It's so hard for a military spouse to do everything alone after a baby comes, and the military does recognize this. Just last month the Army doubled the amount of leave qualifying secondary caregivers (most often dads) can take after a birth or adoption, from 10 days to 21 so that moms like Cydney don't have to do it all alone.

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