Menu

Friends with benefits: 8 reasons married sex is the best

Sex with someone you’re really comfortable with can open you up to be your best possible sexual self.

Friends with benefits: 8 reasons married sex is the best

Married sex tends to (unnecessarily) get a bad rap. But when you think about it—regular amounts of gettin’ it on, the comfort and security of memorizing each other’s bodies, and kicking the pressure to be perfect to the curb—married sex actually rules.


No need to date around in order to find someone who is worthy of having sex with you, and then teach them what you like. You already have that. You married that, honey.

Lucky you. ?

We talked with the experts to dig into the question: Why is committed sex actually the best sex of your life? Here’s what they had to say.


1. Practice makes perfect.

Dr. Terri Orbuch says committed sex is great because “Your partner knows your likes and dislikes already. And just like other things—practice can make perfect (and you and your partner have been practicing quite a bit!) You and your partner have a history together.”

FEATURED VIDEO

You know how to navigate these waters.

Studies bear this out too—many have shown that women in long-term relationships have more satisfying sexual experiences than women who only have casual hookups. So yes, it’s your commitment to one another that’s helping you orgasm. ?

Go you.

2. You feel safe + secure.

Committing yourself to your partner, for better or for worse, can give each person a sense of security that you wouldn’t get from dating sex. Your husband isn’t going to have sex with you, then ghost you. You’re both in it for the long haul.

“You feel safe. You can be more vulnerable,” sexologist, sex educator and author Dr. Logan Levkoff says. “There is tremendous trust in a long-term relationship. You can be more intimate.”

And in a trusting relationship like that, you can feel more free to bring up that new move you’ve been wanting to try in bed.

Get it, girl.

3. You can communicate honestly.

Like the wise Salt–N–Pepa said, “Let’s talk about sex, baby.”

There’s less pressure to feel like you have to fake anything or hide anything with your partner. If you’re not feeling your man’s move, you can tell him and switch positions—or try something different, or just stop altogether. You can be honest with one another and communicate your feelings.

In a committed relationship, you can be open and direct with your partner, and expect the same in return.

4. You can be your best sexual self.

Why would “safe” and “comfortable” be bad in terms of sex? Rachel A. Sussman, a licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert, thinks these characteristics are essential, explaining, “I often hear and read that a lot of sex therapists and experts say that one of the reasons it [married sex] can get boring is that this is such a safe person, and that sex with someone brand new can feel dangerous, ergo, very erotic.”

Sussman has a different take:

“I can poke holes in that theory and say: Sex with someone you’re really comfortable with, who you really trust, can open you up to be your best possible sexual self.”

So basically: Your best. Sex. Now.

Who better to try something new with than with the one you love? And bonus: You can both laugh at yourself if things don’t go as planned. ? Your partner will still be there in the morning.

5. There are fewer rules to follow.

Sex is still special, amazing, and fun with your partner. But let’s be honest: With someone you love and trust as much as your partner, your comfort levels allow for sex initiation to include questions like, “Hey babe, want to have sex after my show’s over?”

After-sex rituals may include scrolling through Snapchat after you’re finished (or umm grabbing a snack #SorryNotSorry). And you don’t feel the need to text your girlfriend “DEAL BREAKER” after being on the receiving end of a quick kiss and roll instead of leisurely post-coital spooning.

6. You can’t beat the convenience.

Sussman says, “It’s always great, when possible, to schedule sex dates. The nice thing about scheduling a sex date is that you know that you’re both putting in an effort to be with each other sexually, and it might take some pressure off of you both.”

Another bonus to convenience? Quickies.

Parents of young children don’t have all the time or energy in the world (to say the least), and there’s nothing wrong with fitting in quick romps here and there.

Sussman agrees, “There’s all sorts of ways to make love. Sometimes it can be a long, leisurely thing. But, a lot of times [as parents] it just can’t. And, don’t get hung up on that.”

In fact, quickies can be a total positive for busy couples. Stolen moments, when the kids are occupied or napping, can feel illicit and sexy.

You two still got it. ?

7. There’s no room for drama.

You don’t have to overanalyze everything and anything in your marriage. If one of you aren’t in the mood once in awhile you don’t need to schedule an immediate coffee klatch with the girls to discuss whether your marriage is on the fritz or not.

And you’re not freaking out if you haven’t trimmed your hedges in a while.

Or if you haven’t even showered that day. Or if you’re not in cute lingerie. In fact, you’re in (his) sweatpants and (his) t-shirt. You’re still having sex. And everyone’s happy.

8. It’s the whole package. (Pun intended.)

Zach Brittle, LMHC, a Certified Gottman Therapist specializing in evidence-based couples therapy, explains, “Committed sex is best because it’s actually real. Presumably, it’s part of a total package of intimacy that includes intellectual, and emotional, and even spiritual intimacy. In that way, it’s fuller and richer and ‘better.’”

Go shout it from the mountaintops (or pillowtops).

Committed sex is the best sex there is.

Join Motherly

After 4 kids, this is still the best baby gear item I’ve ever purchased

I wouldn't be swooning over the BABYBJÖRN bouncer after eight years and four kids if it didn't work.

I have four kids 8 and under, so you might expect that my house is teeming with baby gear and kid toys.

But it turns out that for me, the more kids I have, the more I simplify our stuff. At this point, I'm down to the absolute essentials, the gear that I can't live without and the toys my kids actually play with. And so when a mama-to-be asks me what things are worth registering for, there are only a few must-haves on my list.

The BABYBJÖRN bouncer seat is on the top of my list—totally worth it and an absolute must-have for any new mama.

In fact, since I first splurged on my first BABYBJÖRN bouncer eight years ago (it definitely felt like a splurge at the time, but the five star reviews were really compelling), the bouncer seat has become the most-used product in our house for baby's first year.

We've actually invested in a second one so that we didn't have to keep moving ours from the bedroom to the living room when we change locations.

BABYBJÖRN bouncer bliss

baby bjorn bouncer

The utility of the seat might seem counterintuitive—it has no mechanical parts, so your baby is instead gently bounced by her own movements. In a world where many baby products are touted for their ability to mechanically rock baby to sleep, I get that many moms might not find the "no-motion" bouncer that compelling. But it turns out that the seat is quite reactive to baby's little kicks, and it has helped my kids to learn how to self-soothe.

$200

Lightweight + compact:

The BABYBJÖRN bouncer is super lightweight, and it also folds flat in a second. Because of those features, we've frequently stored it under the couch, in a suitcase or in the back of the car. It folds completely flat, which I love.

Entertainment zone:

Is the toy bar worth it? The toy bar is totally worth it. Not only is the toy bar adorable, but it's one of the first toys that my babies actually play with once they discover the world beyond my boobs. The toys spin and are close to eye level so they have frequently kept my baby entertained while I cook or take a quick shower.

Great style:

This is not a small detail to me–the BABYBJÖRN bouncer is seriously stylish. I am done with baby gear and toys that make my house look like a theme park. The elegant European design honestly just looks good in my living room and I appreciate that parents can enjoy it as much as baby.

It's adjustable:

With three height settings that let you prop baby up to be entertained, or lay back to rest, we get years of use. And the bouncer can actually be adjusted for bigger kids and used from newborn to toddler age. It's that good.

It just works:

I wouldn't be swooning over the BABYBJÖRN bouncer after eight years and four kids if it didn't work. But I have used the seat as a safe space to put baby while I've worked (I once rocked my baby in it with my foot while I reported on a breaking news story for the Washington Post), and as a cozy spot for my second child to lay while his big brother played nearby. It's held up for almost a decade with almost-constant use.

So for me, looking back on what I thought was a splurge eight years ago, was actually one of the best investments in baby gear I ever made.

We independently select and share the products we love—and may receive a commission if you choose to buy. You've got this.

Shop

There is rightfully a lot of emphasis on preparing for the arrival of a new baby. The clothes! The nursery furniture! The gear! But, the thing about a baby registry is, well, your kids will keep on growing. Before you know it, they'll have new needs—and you'll probably have to foot the bill for the products yourself.

Thankfully, you don't have to break the bank when shopping for toddler products. Here are our favorite high-quality, budget-friendly finds to help with everything from meal time to bath time for the toddler set.

Comforts Fruit Crisps Variety Pack

Comforts fruit snacks

If there is one thing to know about toddlers, it is this: They love snacks. Keeping a variety on hand is easy when the pack already comes that way! Plus, we sure do appreciate that freeze-dried fruit is a healthier alternative to fruit snacks.

Comforts Electrolyte Drink

Comforts electrolyte drink

Between running (or toddling!) around all day and potentially developing a pickier palate, many toddlers can use a bit of extra help with replenishing their electrolytes—especially after they've experienced a tummy bug. We suggest keeping an electrolyte drink on hand.

Comforts Training Pants

Comforts training pants

When the time comes to start potty training, it sure helps to have some training pants on hand. If they didn't make it to the potty in time, these can help them learn their body's cues.

Comforts Nite Pants

comforts nite pants

Even when your toddler gets the hang of using the toilet during the day, nighttime training typically takes several months longer than day-time training. In the meantime, nite pants will still help them feel like the growing, big kid they are.

Comforts Baby Lotion

comforts baby lotion

Running, jumping, playing in sand, splashing in water—the daily life of a toddler can definitely irritate their skin! Help put a protective barrier between their delicate skin and the things they come into contact with every day with nourishing lotion.

Another great tip? Shopping the Comforts line on Comfortsforbaby.com to find premium baby products for a fraction of competitors' prices—and follow along on social media to see product releases and news at @comfortsforbaby.

This article was sponsored by The Kroger Co. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.

Our Partners

It's science: Why your baby stops crying when you stand up

A fascinating study explains why.

When your baby is crying, it feels nearly instinctual to stand up to rock, sway and soothe them. That's because standing up to calm babies is instinctual—driven by centuries of positive feedback from calmed babies, researchers have found.

"Infants under 6 months of age carried by a walking mother immediately stopped voluntary movement and crying and exhibited a rapid heart rate decrease, compared with holding by a sitting mother," say authors of a 2013 study published in Current Biology.

Even more striking: This coordinated set of actions—the mother standing and the baby calming—is observed in other mammal species, too. Using pharmacologic and genetic interventions with mice, the authors say, "We identified strikingly similar responses in mouse pups as defined by immobility and diminished ultrasonic vocalizations and heart rate."

Keep reading Show less
News