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From ‘happily ever after’ to after baby: How I stopped keeping score and started loving again

Maybe you have the most beautiful, conflict-free relationship.

Maybe you do have the occasional spat but you are both just so in love that you are over it within the hour.

“The first year of marriage is the hardest? Bah! Moving in together will be tricky? Not us! We’re the lucky ones. Now, let’s take a so-in-love selfie with the sunset. #swoon”

Spoiler alert: You will fight once the baby comes.

Combine disrupted and minimal sleep with loud crying at 2am and a little human that needs you 24/7 and tell me that you don’t snap at your spouse at one point.

The simple fact is that having a baby will demand more of you and your partner—more than ever before. A relationship that was once focused on each other has now been redirected toward a cute, squishy baby that reciprocates your affection and efforts with crying, blow-out diapers, and the sweetest little coos that make you forget the spit up that she just spewed on your fresh t-shirt.

The man who gave you butterflies when he first told you he loved you is now the one that is so annoying when he leaves the drinking glass on the counter—the dishwasher is right there!

After all, you just got done washing bottles, pump parts, or yourself for the 142nd time today. Maybe more likely, it’s just one more thing to clean in the pile of things to clean.

The man who you would love to curl up with while watching a movie is now bringing out the inner rage monster in you because he’s sitting on that same couch, watching TV, while you wrangle a squirmy baby into her 33rd onesie that day. Because oh-my-gosh, how does this tiny being produce so many bodily fluids?!

The man who would cause you to go buy a new dress or spend extra time on your hair to look extra-great on date night is now the one who just doesn’t get why you are craving to go on a Target-run all by yourself. For a few hours, no interruptions. Perhaps with a hot coffee drink from the in-store Starbucks that won’t spill or get cold because the baby started crying?! Yes. And now, I will stare at all the pretty things and promise not to buy anything. Until I buy something.

Um, and when did you become that wife? You know—the kind you said you’d never be? The nagging, score-keeping, snappy kind?

Girl—you and me both.

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When I became a mommy, I had no idea that I would also get really good at keeping score. I don’t know what your scoreboard holds, but mine looked a little like this…

...who was the last one to change the baby?

...who was the last one to get up in the middle of the night with the baby?

....who had the harder day, thus more deserving of a break?

...who was the last one that got to do that fun thing they love—watch the game, go on a run, take a trip outside of the home by themselves?

...who is just doing more?

And here’s how it would play out: I would be changing our daughter for the millionth time and my husband would be in the other room. Since it was the end of a full work day, I would be tired. My husband would be tired. Our daughter would be morphing into that thing babies turn into before bed—you know—fussy, rubbing her eyes, and wiggling like a live wire. So ready for bed while fighting it so hard.

I would assume, of course, that my husband didn’t care about my needs or how tired I was. I would also assume that he was looking at his Twitter feed or watching TV. So I would sigh loudly as I grabbed a bottle and proceed to feed our daughter. He would ask what’s wrong and I would say “Nothing.” (Because I love passive aggression.) He would get annoyed, ask me again, and then I would say something dramatic like, “You never help! We both work full time and we both are tired but why am I the one who is always taking care of her after work?!”

And then, the scorecard game would begin.

My husband, rightfully hurt and a tad angry, would point out that he was warming up dinner—not just sitting around on Twitter. And that he was the one who got up with our daughter the night before and rocked her back to sleep for an hour. Then, seeing that he was right but not willing to admit it, I would get defensive and throw out something like, “But I give her a bath. I make formula for the next day. And I’m always the one who does the dream feed before bed!” To which, he would remind me that he does in fact help—Don’t I remember that he does the first morning bottle? That part of the reason he lets me take the lead with the evening routine is that he sees the tears I try to hide when it’s hard to kiss my baby good-bye for the day?

And then we would proceed to list out everything we were doing “for the baby” in efforts to prove who was the better parent or working harder. Throw in some tears (from me) and bouts of silence (from both of us) and you’ve basically witnessed all of our fights since becoming parents. You’re welcome.

But, before you swear off ever having children or get really judgy about our marriage (please don’t!) let me say this: I love my husband more now than ever before.

It’s tough and it’s hard. But what’s amazing about the hard things in life is that they make you value the sweet and precious things in life all the more. And I do miss our pre-baby days but I would never go back to them.

The scorecard game is a primitive, self-serving game. In contrast, everything about raising a child and maintaining a healthy relationship with your loved one is about becoming more and more selfless. It’s about treasuring your relationships with them more than anything else. It’s not easy, but it is so, so worth it.

A few months ago, after we had a conflict similar to what I described above, I found a blog that changed my perspective forever. It was written by a woman was a widow after losing her husband of 5 short years She talked about how, before he got sick, she would get so annoyed at how he snored at night. And, now that he was gone, she would have given anything to be annoyed by that snore again.

I realized I was taking for granted that I had someone to keep score with. And all of the sudden, the scorecard game felt kind of silly. There is a time and a place for expectations and I’m 110% for moms and dads sharing the load of raising a child. I can turn into an absolute stress-ball sometimes with all the to-do’s of a full-time job and motherhood. But my husband knows how to snap me out of it better than anyone. The problem with the scorecard game is that I am really good at keeping my score and not really bothering to notice my husband’s efforts.

And not just noticing them—but being grateful for all of his hard work:

Like how he is so good at putting our daughter to sleep.

Like how he will do the grocery store runs on the weekends and help get dinner ready during the week.

Like how he keeps track of our finances to make sure our family is provided for.

Like how he gets so excited to play with her and make her laugh.

Like the funny things he says when he changes her diaper (“How does someone so small poop SO MUCH?”).

So here’s what I’ve learned: In the moment, keeping score feels like a way to prove something. But all it really does is drive a wedge between you and the person you love the most.

I’ve found the much better way comes in two parts. First, I look for and express gratitude in what my husband is doing to help our family. If I stop looking for all the ways I rock and he sucks, I find that he is actually crushing it. And I find a thousand reasons to say thank you. Second, I speak up when I need help. If I am overwhelmed one evening but I normally do the bedtime routine, now I raise my white flag and ask for a trade for that night.

You and bae got this, Mama. And the quicker you lose the scorecard, the quicker you can get back to the things that matter—like the person you’re playing it with.

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Unstructured play is play without predetermined rules of the game. There are no organized teams, uniforms, coaches or trainers. It is spontaneous, often made-up on the spot, and changeable as the day goes on. It is the kind of play you see when puppies chase each other around a yard in endless circles or a group of kids play for hours in a fort they created out of old packing boxes.

Unstructured play is fun—no question about it—but research also tells us that it is critically important for the development of children's bodies and brains.

One of the best ways to encourage unstructured play in young children is by providing open-ended toys, or toys that can be used multiple ways. People Toy Company knows all about that. Since 1977, they've created toys and products designed to naturally encourage developmental milestones—but to kids, it all just feels like play.

Here are five reasons why unstructured play is crucial for your children—

1. It changes brain structure in important ways

In a recent interview on NPR's Morning Edition, Sergio Pellis, Ph.D., an expert on the neuroscience of play noted that play actually changes the structure of the developing brain in important ways, strengthening the connections of the neurons (nerve cells) in the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain considered to be the executive control center responsible for solving problems, making plans and regulating emotions.

Because unstructured play involves trying out different strategies without particular goals or serious consequences, children and other animals get to practice different activities during play and see what happens. When Dr. Pellis compared rats who played as pups with rats that did not, he found that although the play-deprived rats could perform the same actions, the play-experienced rats were able to react to their circumstances in a more flexible, fluid and swift fashion.

Their brains seemed more "plastic" and better able to rewire as they encountered new experiences.

Hod Lipson, a computer scientist at Cornell sums it up by saying the gift of play is that it teaches us how to deal with the unexpected—a critically important skill in today's uncertain world.

2. Play activates the entire neocortex

We now know that gene expression (whether a gene is active or not) is affected by many different things in our lives, including our environment and the activities we participate in. Jaak Panksepp, Ph.D., a Professor at the University of Washington studied play in rats earning him the nickname of the "rat tickler."

He found that even a half hour of play affected the activity of many different genes and activated the outer part of the rats' brains known as the neocortex, the area of the brain used in higher functions such as thinking, language and spatial reasoning. We don't know for sure that this happens in humans, but some researchers believe that it probably does.

3. It teaches children to have positive interaction with others

It used to be thought that animal play was simply practice so that they could become more effective hunters. However, Dr. Panksepp's study of play in rats led him to the conclusion that play served an entirely different function: teaching young animals how to interact with others in positive ways. He believed that play helps build pro-social brains.

4. Children who play are often better students

The social skills acquired through play may help children become better students. Research has found that the best predictor of academic performance in the eighth grade was a child's social skills in the third grade. Dr. Pellis notes that "countries where they actually have more recess tend to have higher academic performance than countries where recess is less."

5. Unstructured play gets kids moving

We all worry that our kids are getting too little physical activity as they spend large chunks of their time glued to their electronic devices with only their thumbs getting any exercise. Unstructured play, whether running around in the yard, climbing trees or playing on commercial play structures in schools or public parks, means moving the whole body around.

Physical activity helps children maintain a healthy weight and combats the development of Type 2 diabetes—a condition all too common in American children—by increasing the body's sensitivity to the hormone insulin.

It is tempting in today's busy world for parents and kids to fill every minute of their day with structured activities—ranging from Spanish classes before school to soccer and basketball practice after and a full range of special classes and camps on the weekends and summer vacation. We don't remember to carve out time for unstructured play, time for kids to get together with absolutely nothing planned and no particular goals in mind except having fun.

The growing body of research on the benefits of unstructured play suggests that perhaps we should rethink our priorities.

Not sure where to get started? Here are four People Toy Company products that encourage hours of unstructured play.

1. People Blocks Zoo Animals

These colorful, magnetic building blocks are perfect for encouraging unstructured play in children one year and beyond. The small pieces fit easily in the hands of smaller children, and older children will love creating their own shapes and designs with the magnetic pieces.

People Blocks Zoo Animals 17 Piece Set, People Toy Company, $34.99


This article was sponsored by People Toy Company. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.

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As any parent knows, newborns need to eat a lot to keep fuel in those tiny tummies. For breastfeeding mamas, that can translate to nursing sessions anywhere, any time of day—which can make it feel like a full-time job. So, what's a mama to do when she has other things on her to-do list?

Let's take a look at some celebrity mothers who are showing the world that mamas have legendary multitasking skills. 👊

Jessie James Decker is a backseat breastfeeder

By the time her third child was born, Jessie James Decker had a few tricks up her sleeve when it came to breastfeeding on the go—including how to get situated in the backseat of the car to nurse her son while he was strapped into the car seat.

Decker doesn't recommend mamas go without a seatbelt like she did, but sometimes, a bad day out with the baby calls for extreme measures. When little Forrest couldn't stop crying on the way home from his mama's photo shoot, his mama did what she had to do.

"I hopped in the back seat with Forrest and fed him with boob out leaned awkwardly over the car seat to calm him down," Decker says. "On the way home I cried, I got stressed and anxiety, and I was just a mom trying to do my best just like we all are no matter the situation."

Pink takes a hike

When son Jameson was a baby, Pink proved that breastfeeding didn't have to mean sitting at home in a glider. With some assistance from a baby carrier and a perfect position for Jameson, the multitasking mama was able to go about her hike like it was no big deal.

Gisele Bündchen 'grammed her breastfeeding glam session

In 2013, the super model proved she's also a super mama by multitasking a full-on beauty session while breastfeeding. Recognizing what a team effort it was, Bündchen captioned the post, "What would I do without this beauty squad after the 15 hours of flying and only three hours of sleep."

Tess Holliday was inspired by her fellow supermodel mama 

Tess Holliday followed in Gisele's footsteps after her youngest was born, posting this photo to Instagram. It that proves that breastfeeding mamas can not only multitask, but also don't have to conform to certain body ideals to look amazing postpartum. Any size, any shape, any time, anywhere—breastfeeding mothers like Holliday are normalizing breastfeeding and our bodies.

Padma Lakshmi proves you don't need a team

Without a beauty squad on call, Lakshmi took her multitasking to "level 💯" by using a nursing pillow to free up her two hands. It takes a brave woman to attempt mascara while breastfeeding, but the Top Chef host clearly pulls it off.

Whether a mama is trying to feed her baby on the go or while she's getting glam, it isn't always easy. Motherhood is about trying to do your best even when it feels like 100 things are going on at the same time—and yet we manage, like the super mamas we are.

[Update, September 23: This post was originally published June 12, 2018. It has been updated to include Tess Holliday's Instagram post]

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In the moments after we give birth, we desperately want to hear our baby cry. In the middle of the night a few months later it's no longer exactly music to our ears, but those cries aren't just telling us that baby needs a night feeding: They're also giving us a hint at what our children may sound like as kindergarteners, and adults.

New research published in the journal Biology Letters suggests the pitch of a 4-month-old's cry predicts the pitch they'll use to ask for more cookies at age five and maybe even later on as adults.

The study saw 2 to 5-month olds recorded while crying. Five years later, the researchers hit record again and chatted with the now speaking children. Their findings, combined with previous work on the subject, suggest it's possible to figure out what a baby's voice will sound like later in life, and that the pitch of our adult voices may be traceable back to the time we spend in utero. Further studies are needed, but scientists are very interested in how factors before birth can impact decades later.

"In utero, you have a lot of different things that can alter and impact your life — not only as a baby, but also at an adult stage," one of the authors of the study, Nicolas Mathevon, told the New York Times.

The New York Times also spoke with Carolyn Hodges, an assistant professor of anthropology at Boston University who was not involved in the study. According to Hodges, while voice pitch may not seem like a big deal, it impacts how we perceive people in very real ways.

Voice pitch is a factor in how attractive we think people are, how trustworthy. But why we find certain pitches more or less appealing isn't known. "There aren't many studies that address these questions, so that makes this research especially intriguing," Hodges said, adding that it "suggests that individual differences in voice pitch may have their origins very, very early in development."

So the pitch of that midnight cry may have been determined months ago, and it may determine part of your child's future, too. There are still so many things we don't know, but as parents we do know one thing: Our babies cries (as much as we don't want to hear them all the time) really are something special.

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So many parents wish there was a way we could add more hours to the day. Unfortunately, we're stuck with just 24 of them, but we can try to make the most of the time we've got. One way more and more working mamas are maximizing the time we do have is by cutting out the commute and working from home.

It can add an hour or two back to your day, and (depending on your hours and circumstances) it can even make childcare arrangements easier. And with more big companies offering legit remote opportunities, it's easier than ever for parents to find these opportunities. As Motherly recently reported, Amazon is on a bit of a remote hiring spree ahead of the holiday season, and it's not the only one.

Williams-Sonoma is currently seeking Seasonal Customer Service Associates to work from home. It is looking for remote workers in Cincinnati, Cleveland, Phoenix, Reno, Tulsa, and near Raleigh, Columbus, Braselton, and Oklahoma City.

These work-from-home positions are part of Williams-Sonoma's plan to hire about 3,500 associates for its Customer Care Centers. The company says a "significant portion of positions" for the Customer Care Centers will be work-from-home. They're looking for remote workers who live no more than an hour and a half away from one of the Customer Care Centers as "on occasion our Work From Home associates must come to the Care Center for meetings and training with advanced notice," the company notes in the job postings.

The positions are very similar to what Amazon is looking for: Basically customer service reps who can take inbound calls to help shoppers with orders, returns and issues with finding products or deliveries of products. Williams-Sonoma is looking for people who can work 30 - 50 hours per week, and the pay is listed at $12 per hour.

Another perk is a 40% discount on most merchandise, which great because the Williams-Sonoma umbrella includes brands like Pottery Barn and West Elm as well.

Sounds like this could be a great gig for a mama with customer service skills and a high-speed internet connection.

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Plenty of modern motherhood paraphernalia was made to be seen—think breastfeeding pillows that seamlessly blend into living room decor or diaper bags that look like stylish purses. The breast pump though, usually isn't on that list.

It's traditionally been used in the privacy of our homes and hotel rooms in the best case scenarios, and in storage closets and restrooms in the worst circumstances. For a product that is very often used by mothers because they need to be in public spaces (like work and school), the breast pump lives a very private life.

Thankfully, some high profile moms are changing that by posting their pump pics on Instagram. These influential mamas aren't gonna hide while they pump, and may change the way the world (and product designers) see this necessary accessory.

1. Gail Simmons 

Top Chef's Gail Simmons looked amazing on the red carpet at the 2018 Emmys, but a few days after the award show the cookbook author, television host and new mama gave the world a sneak peek into her backstage experience. It wasn't all glam for Gail, who brought her pump and hands-free bra along on the big night.

We're thankful to these women for showing that breast pumps belong in public and in our Instagram feeds.

[Update, September 21, 2018: This post was originally published on May 31, 2018, but has been updated to include a recent Instagram post by Gail Simmons.]

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  2. Behati Prinsloo shamed for 'pumping and dumping' during date with hubby Adam Levine
  3. Nicole Phelps pumping in an evening gown is the ultimate definition of a multi-tasking mama 👏
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