Print Friendly and PDF

Like many modern couples, before getting married and having kids my husband and I spoke frequently about our plans to be true partners in life—to share in the household responsibilities equally and to co-parent our children in a way that defied the stereotypical norms of our society.

Then we actually had kids and we quickly learned that it was a lot more complicated than that.

Even as members of the millennial generation, we were born into a society in which gendered expectations have been rooted in our way of thinking, living and doing. Although growing up in progressive households molded our expectations and ideas, that background didn't prove enough to fully counter the pervasive inequalities that restrict partners from co-parenting as hoped.

FEATURED VIDEO

The gender divide begins from day one of parenting

During my first pregnancy, the myth of equally co-parenting became apparent all too quickly. My husband had to choose between taking time off to come to my prenatal visits or using that time to lengthen his paternity leave, which was five days long. I asked him to do the latter and he willingly (albeit regretfully) obliged. Still, that did not prevent one of my midwives from commenting on his "lack of presence" during my prenatal care. It felt like a lose-lose situation.

Research shows that fathers crave more guidance and support through their transition into fatherhood. Yet, this isn't readily available, which sends a loud and clear message to new parents right from the start: Fathers don't need to learn how to parent, because they won't be the primary parents.

Our current prenatal care system leaves much to be desired, as anyone who has been rushed through a health care appointment can attest. But women at least have routine touch points with their providers where there is the possibility of deeper communications. Partners don't have that. Yes, some attend the prenatal visits—but this is a privilege not available to most couples.

Societal gender-based assumptions become barriers

From the moment we become parents, we begin to experience the gender stereotypes and social norms we have come to accept as, well, norms: The lack of changing tables in men's restrooms. The marketing of baby dolls to little girls. And the comments. Oh, the comments.

"Did daddy dress you today?"

"Oh, is it is daddy-daycare today?"

My husband was never asked if he planned to continue working or stay home with the baby. He is never asked how he manages to balance a career and a family. We simply do not think to ask these questions of men. He also, admittedly, never goes to sleep at night with an overwhelming sensation of was I good enough today. That's my societal baggage to enjoy.

Somewhere along the way, and over and over again, I absorbed the notion that a "good mom" looks and acts a certain way — and I believed it, to my core. It's the same ideology that keeps me up at night consumed with "mom guilt" for all the day's imperfections, while my husband sleeps peacefully next to me.

We have never once had a conversation in which we discussed who would take on the role of "master birthday party planner," "creator of holiday magic" and one thousand other responsibilities that tend to land on moms. Nor did we ever discuss who would rake the leaves or call the car mechanic—because those were obviously my husband's jobs.

For all our progressive and feminist proclamations, we certainly landed firmly in our expected — and oh-so-stereotypical — roles. Interestingly, a 2018 survey from the Pew Research Center highlighted the discrepancy between the percentage of moms who believe they were socialized into their roles (66%) versus the number of fathers (31%). Rather, fathers were more likely than mothers to say their parenting style was primarily attributable to their biology.

Signs of progress also highlight where we need to do more work

By and large, our society has made women the assumed primary parents and men the assumed primary breadwinners.

But that's not to say we're without progress: According to the Pew Research Center, when compared to fathers in the 1960s, today's fathers spend more than twice as much time on household chores, and three times as many hours taking care of their children. In 40% of households, women are the sole or primary breadwinner, compared to 11% in 1960. For the first time in history, women in the United States are more educated than men—36% of millennial women have earned a bachelor's degree or higher, compared to 28% of men.

And yet.

Our lived realities do little to reflect these changes. Consider the pay gap in the United States: Overall women's salaries are 20% less than men's. Add in racial inequalities and the numbers are far worse—a Hispanic woman, for example, garners only 53% of a man's salaries.

The Motherhood Penalty is a documented phenomenon for mothers in the paid workforce. For example, mothers are considered to be 12% less committed to their jobs than women who are not mothers and are six times less likely to be recommended for hire.

In other words, mothers are not regarded as good employees and are therefore less likely to get the job—despite studies that show the exact opposite. Motherly co-found Liz Tenety writes that, "over the course of a career, mothers are the most efficient workers around."

Between the gender pay-gap and the rising cost of childcare, it is no wonder that more women change career paths when they become parents than men. Many women realize that they will spend more on childcare than they bring home in salary, and decide that it makes the most economic sense to leave their paid work. Motherly's State of Motherhood Survey found that 50% of women made changes to their careers after having a baby, most of them becoming stay-at-home moms. Meanwhile, 58% of partners' careers stayed the same and 29% scaled up.

Nearly two-thirds of partners expressed the wish to spend more time with their kids, but couldn't because their work demands were too high, or their bosses expected them to be at work for long hours.

This disparity merely scratches the surface of the issue, though. To have the option to scale back on one's career means that someone else in the household can earn what the family needs to get by, which is not a possibility in single-parent households.

Making the changes we can

We are the products of a society that is heteronormative, patriarchal and built on systemic racism—all problems that are intertwined. Living in it means that we have to fight for true parenting equality at every turn. And the truth is that we don't always fight — sometimes we do just give in and fall into our expected roles.

Now let me be clear, my ability to spend a day not fighting is a privilege granted to me as a white, cis-gendered, heterosexual, middle-class, English speaking, documented citizen. Being too tired to fight is not a right that many of our fellow mothers have.

Are we the generation to fix it? No, we are not. This problem is more than a generation deep, and it is going to take many seasons of parents to change the culture. Our indoctrination began long before we were conceived. And, by the time we become aware of it, we are fully immersed in its mess.

Does that mean we leave it alone? Also, no. Not even close.

We do the work. Every day.

We talk about injustices, with each other and our children. We own the biases we have inherited and we explore our shadows so that we can understand them, even when it is uncomfortable.

For me, it starts with baby steps—which usually means voicing the needs I normally keep quiet.

As I write this, my daughter sits beside me, home sick from school. When she woke up coughing this morning we did not have a conversation about "who was going to stay home with her?" I just automatically started shuffling my calendar around, and my husband automatically started getting dressed for work. I felt the resentment start to creep in, but realized that this shift is on me, just as much as it is on him. I called him and asked him to leave work early to take over, so we could at least share in the upheaval of a sick kid.

This pushed the limits of my comfort zone, something that is never easy to do. But, my belief is that by doing so, my children's comfort zones will naturally be even wider—so they can then push for more when their time comes. It may take generations, but progress is better than complacence. The future doesn't have to be the past.

Originally posted on Medium.

You might also like:

The very best of Motherly — delivered when you need it most.
Subscribe for inspiration, empowering articles and expert tips to rock your best #momlife.

It's finally 2020. It's hard to believe but the old decade is over, the new one is here and it is bringing a lot of new life with it. The babies born this year are members of Generation Alpha and the world is waiting for them.

We're only a few days into the new year and there are already some new celebrity arrivals making headlines while making their new parents proud.

If your little one arrived (or is due to arrive) in 2020, they've got plenty of high profile company.

Here are all the celebrity babies born in 2020 (so far):

Ashley Graham is a mama! 🎉

A new chapter is unfolding for model and podcaster Ashley Graham, who just announced she and her husband Justin Ervin have met their baby.

The baby arrived Saturday, according to a post made on Graham's Instagram Stories.

"At 6:00pm on Saturday our lives changed for the better," reads the Story. "Thank you for all your love and support during this incredible time."

Graham previously announced that she and Ervin were expecting a son. They initially announced the pregnancy on their ninth wedding anniversary.

Congratulations to Ashley and Justin!

Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden just welcomed a baby girl! 🎉

Surprise! Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden are ringing in the New Year as first-time parents!

"Happy New Year from the Maddens!" reads a birth announcement posted to both Diaz and Madden's Instagram accounts. "We are so happy, blessed and grateful to begin this new decade by announcing the birth of our daughter, Raddix Madden. She has instantly captured our hearts and completed our family."

Raddix Madden is the first child for Diaz, 47, and Madden, 40.

The couple say they won't be posting any pictures of their daughter on social media as they "feel a strong instinct to protect our little one's privacy."

Congratulations to the Maddens! 🎉

Dylan Dreyer of 'Today' is a mom of 2! 

Today meteorologist Dylan Dreyer and her husband Brian Fichera, welcomed their second child, Oliver George Fichera, the first week of January 2020. Oliver joins his big brother Calvin to make the family a foursome.

Dreyer is still recovering from birth but her voice was on TV this week when she called into her show with an update on her new family. "I feel good," Dylan told her colleagues. "I just feel so happy and so blessed."

Caterina Scorsone of 'Grey's Anatomy' now has 3 girls!

Caterina Scorsone of Grey's Anatomy has so much to be thankful for in 2020: She's now a mom of three! The actress announced the birth of her daughter via Instagram, noting that her baby's name is Arwen.

Arwen joins big sisters Eliza, 7, and 3-year-old Paloma, who has Down syndrome. Speaking on The Motherly Podcast last year, Scorsone explained how Paloma's diagnosis made her "whole concept of what motherhood was had to shift."

It is likely shifting again, as any mama who has gone from two kids to three knows.

News

When it comes to taking care of the baby and the house, modern dads say they want to be equal partners.

But when Saturday arrives, research shows men are often relaxing while women are the ones doing unpaid housework with a “leisure time" discrepancy of more than 50 minutes a day on the weekends.

The study revealed that women were more likely than men to spend their weekends watching kids or performing housework.

So after a long week of watching kids or clocking hours on the job, what does mom do more of than dad? Work.

Claire M. Kamp Dush, Ph.D., an associate professor of human sciences at The Ohio State University, and lead author of the new study, says she is hopeful we can all find more balance. It's just going to take some hard discussions—and an understanding that there's more than one way to load a dishwasher or dress a baby.

FEATURED VIDEO

The study published in the journal Sex Roles saw Ohio State researchers tracking how 52 dual-income couples spent their time on a minute-by-minute basis as they welcomed their first child. The participating couples kept time diaries for workdays and non-workdays during the third trimester and for about three months after the baby's birth.

The researchers expected to see a lot of entries where mom and dad were doing childcare or housework together, but they didn't.

“Men actually increased their time doing leisure while she was doing work across the transition of parenthood," Kamp Dush shares. “It actually got worse once the baby was there."

According to Kamp Dush, there are a couple of factors behind this disappointing dynamic.

“One thing that's going on is women have a lot of societal pressure put on them to be perfect mothers. So if something is less than perfect with the baby or the house, the consequences are coming back on them," she explains, adding this pressure to have everything done to high standards may lead some moms to micromanage their partners.

If a dad is slacking, Kamp Dush suggests moms ascertain what his motivations are. Often, she says the solution may be as simple as empowering him to do things his own way. (Even if it isn't the outfit you would have picked for the baby...)

“It may also be the case that he just doesn't want to do it and he enjoys his leisure time," says Kamp Dush. If that's the case, she suggests calmly explaining the cost that his rest requires you pay. That may prompt him to do a bit more because, as Kamp Dush says, “He might also enjoy having a happier spouse and co-parent."

The earlier you can have these conversations, the better

Unaddressed resentment in relationships tends to build overtime, which is why it's essential to check in on how you (and your partner) are feeling early and often.

Kamp Dush suggests moms with heavy mental loads write down the tasks and duties they're dealing with. Then rip the list in half and hand it to dad. Couples can certainly negotiate the listed responsibilities, but the important thing is that they're not all on mom.

“Then, you're going to have to let it go," she explains. “Men know how to do these things. As women, we need to just let them do it."

Dads need to do 50 minutes more of unpaid work

The gender disparity in unpaid work hurts our careers, our families and our relationships, but it doesn't have to.

According to the Promundo's State of the World's Fathers' report, if men did 50 minutes of unpaid work a day we could close the gender gap.

"We need men to do our share. Fifty minutes more to relieve women of 50 minutes less would get us really close to equal," the president and CEO of Promundo, Gary Barker, tells Motherly.

When dads are more empowered and moms feel like their household responsibilities are more balanced, the whole family is going to be better off.

[A version of this post was first published July 29, 2018. It has been updated.]

News

For new mamas back to sitting behind their desks at work some six weeks (or fewer) after their babies are born, the institutionalized parental leave policy in Denmark is the stuff of daydreams: Over in that Scandinavian paradise, parents are granted 52 weeks of paid leave to divide between them.

There's no denying this is much, much better than the state of parental leave in the United States, but it isn't quite as perfect as it seems from the outside. According to Denmark's Directorate of Employment, Labour and Social Affairs, women take an average 93% of leave allotted to couples. And when they do return to work, mothers' wages suffer both in comparison to men and women without children.

FEATURED VIDEO

The good news is that it seems the solution to this gender income gap is something we—the mothers of today, even here in America—can do something about.

A new paper from the US National Bureau of Economic Research that examined Danish administration information from 1980 to 2013 found the motherhood penalty “creates a gender gap in earnings of around 20% in the long run," which is comparable to the gap in the United States.

What's more, the income discrepancy only increases for each child a family in Denmark has: If a woman has four children, her income is only $0.60 to every dollar a man makes—10 years down the road.

While this indicates paid parental leave alone may not be the panacea for the gender income gap, the researchers suggest that changing the way we think about roles in the workplaces and homes could help—at least when it comes to the next generation.

“As a possible explanation for the persistence of child penalties, we show that they are transmitted through generations, from parents to daughters (but not sons)," the researchers note, explaining that the more a daughter's mother worked while the girl was growing up, the less the daughter's income was affected when she became a mother.

“Women tend to adopt a balance of paid work and childcare that is correlated with the one they saw their mother strike when they were growing up," Henrik Kleven, a Princeton economist and the paper's lead author, tells Quartz At Work.

What this looks like in practice is splitting household responsibilities from the get-go and encouraging fathers to take more leave. (In Sweden, where fathers are penalized for not taking advantage of paternity leave, women's earning rose an average 7% for each month of leave that men took.)

According to the State of the World's Fathers' report, produced by Promundo (a non-profit organization dedicated to engaging men and boys in gender equality in partnership with Dove Men+Care) 85% of dads surveyed in the United States, the UK, Argentina, Brazil, Canada, Japan and the Netherlands want to take paternity leave, and yet less than 50% of fathers take as much time as their country's policy allows, and social norms, financial pressures and a lack of support from their managers are all factors.

The report also found that if fathers are able to do just under an hour of unpaid work per day, mothers can cut their unpaid labor time by the same amount.

"We need men to do our share. Fifty minutes more to relieve women of 50 minutes less would get us really close to equal," the president and CEO of Promundo, Gary Barker, told Motherly.

This may help shift us toward more income equality today—and, as the research shows, our daughters will really be able to reap the benefits.

[A version of this post was first published January 29, 2018. It has been updated.]

News

There's no doubt: It's a new parenting era than 20 or 30 years ago.

Now faced with questions about how to limit screen time, when to give children phones and how to protect them from cyber threats, there are simply some issues that today's parents can't get advice on from our own parents.

Does that mean it's harder to be a parent today than when we were growing up? Yes, say 88% of young moms and dads.

According to a BPI Network survey of 2,000 parents in the United States and Canada, the leading reasons parenting feels harder than ever include: social media distractions, challenges with two working parents, emotional or behavioral dysfunction, peer competition or bullying, and violence and safety concerns in schools.

FEATURED VIDEO

Of course, most of us weren't fully aware of the challenges our parents faced when we were young—such as the fact they couldn't readily call on their own moms for advice lest they wanted to rack up major long-distance bills and couldn't have anything in the world delivered to their doorsteps within two days.

Regardless of whether it's true, the perception that parenting is harder than ever has contributed to some two-thirds of the respondents saying they've experienced "parental burnout."

"Parental burnout is a state of physical, mental and emotional exhaustion," says Neil D. Brown, LCSW, author of Ending The Parent-Teen Control Battle. "It leaves parents feeling chronically fatigued… and it can lead to depression, chronic anxiety and illness."

With 40% reporting parental burnout has "significantly" affected their qualities of life and another 49% saying it has "somewhat" affected their wellbeing, it's time employers take a vested interest in addressing the issue, says Dave Murray, Chief Strategy and Research Officer at the BPI Network.

"It is staggering to look at the incidence of [parental burnout] symptoms among working parents in America and understand the implications this has for added employee burden, cost, concern and downtime," Murray says, adding that counseling services to promote healthy parenting should "certainly" be among the benefits employers look to offer.

Many working parents are also hopeful that their employers will recognize the importance of practices that support healthy balance between work and life—with 78% of respondents to Motherly's 2018 State of Motherhood survey saying they believe it's possible to combine careers and motherhood. Of those who worked outside the home, the biggest changes they would like to see include subsidies for childcare or on-site childcare, paid maternity leave and more flexible schedules.

In our second annual State of Motherhood Survey in 2019 just over half (51%) of mothers said "I feel discouraged: it's extremely challenging managing trade-offs" associated with combining a career and motherhood.

The consequences of unaddressed parental burnout have an unfortunate way of spilling over to other members of the family. According to a recent study published in the journal Child Abuse & Neglect, a sample of 1,551 parents suggested "parental burnout has a statistically similar effect to job burnout on addictions and sleep problems, a stronger effect on couples' conflicts and partner estrangement mindset and a specific effect on child-related outcomes (neglect and violence) and escape and suicidal ideation."

While employers have a stake in addressing this issue, there's also a lot that individuals can do—like starting by cutting ourselves a break on self-imposed expectations. As research has shown, the more grace we give ourselves and others in the ways we parent, the less prone we ultimately are to burning out.

And while we've heard this all before, it's also worth remembering just how important it is to take time for ourselves. "We must have regular practices to refuel," LMHC Jasmin Terrany previously told Motherly. "We don't need to feel guilty about taking this time for ourselves—our kids will not only learn that self-care is essential, but when we are good, they will be good."

Then don't feel one ounce of guilt about using that time to call someone long-distance or place another Amazon Prime delivery so you can remember that parenting in this day and age does have its perks.

[A version of this post was originally published July 29, 2018. It has been updated.]

News
Motherly provides information of a general nature and is designed for educational purposes only. This site does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.Your use of the site indicates your agreement to be bound by our  Terms of Use and Privacy Policy. Information on our advertising guidelines can be found here.