A modern lifestyle brand redefining motherhood

Pop culture might lead us to believe that single people are having all the good sex and us married folks are lucky to get anything at all. But, for a lot of couples, sex gets better after a walk down the aisle.

I'll put it like this: The escapades I had before my husband were a lot like fast food—quick and unsatisfying. On the other hand, married sex is like having a five-star, live-in chef. So, why is it so hard to sell the idea married people are having the best sex of their lives?

"The belief that singles are having better, hotter sex than those of us in long-term relationships is largely because of some pretty outdated—but pervasive—cliches about marriage," says Sarah Hunter Murray, sex researcher and relationship therapist. With a doctorate in human sexuality and years of professional experience, Hunter Murray says it baffles her how many false assumptions about sex in marriage persist.

"It always leaves me feeling pretty perplexed, because most people today marry someone they are deeply in love with, someone who is their best friend, and someone they eagerly and enthusiastically want to share their life with," she says. "Still though, those negative ideas about marriage exist and they naturally extend to our views about sex in that context."

The popular idea of singles being more sexually satisfied is also influenced by ideas that have little to do with sex, Hunter Murray explains.

According to her, single people are thought of as being more carefree and younger than married people, while long-term partnerships are associated with responsibility, aging and other "unsexy" concepts, such as child rearing. As she puts it, "Those things just don't lend themselves to thinking about great, frequent or passionate sex."

Why we need to reconsider married sex

Despite the less sexy reputation of marriage, Hunter Murray says chances are good that the best sex a person will have in their life will be with a long-term partner. Statistically speaking, the odds are in your favor. (Lots of years together means lots of sex.) Plus, the person sleeping on your left likely knows you better than one who just swipes left.

"Single sex can be super fun sex. It's usually passionate and exciting and novel. But it's also likely to be a bit awkward, emotionally uncertain and, sometimes, filled with regret," says Hunter Murray.

In contrast, the deeper level of comfort and intimacy that comes along with marriage is good for your sex life. Just think about all the opportunities to discover what you and your partner like in bed. (After all, women are more likely to orgasm from sex with a long-term partner than a casual hook-up.)

"You can experiment. Switch it up. Do better," says Hunter Murray. "Trial and error is key for growth in our sexual knowledge of ourselves and our sexual skills. And that's something that a longer-term relationship can offer."

Also, who is going to be more understanding of how kids affect your mojo than the person you created them with? As certified life coach Kate Mason says, the key to keeping your post-baby sex life hot (and it can be!) is communication... and designated date nights.

"Date nights, even if they happen just once a month, are so important for couples," she said. "I tell my husband we have to go on a date at least once a month so that I can remember how funny and cute he is."

Married sex isn't just about pleasure

Intimacy within a marriage plays a role in the quality of a couple's sex life. Studies show that intimacy, affection and closeness have unavoidable effects in the bedroom.

Specifically, the science shows our relationship dynamics outside the bedroom impact what goes on inside it—and vice versa. But sexual health researchers and experts offer different perspectives on whether the intimate nature of marriage kills or ignites sexual desire.

"On one hand, being overly familiar with our partner can make them less desirable," Hunter Murray explains, adding that walking in on someone in the bathroom or seeing them in stained pajamas aren't exactly sexy moments.

"On the other hand, the increased bond, trust and intimacy that occurs in healthy relationships is often the fuel that couples need to feel safe, to experiment sexually and to talk more openly about their sexual likes with someone they love and feel loved by," she says. "From my experience as a researcher and therapist, I definitely align more with the second camp."

Your best sex may be yet to come

If you're married but don't think you're living your best sex life, don't give up. Your best sex could be just a date night away. (This is your cue to book a babysitter now.)

"Too many people get frustrated with their sex lives and assume things are just doomed to stay the way they are. Or they believe that their less-than-satisfactory sex life is an indication that their relationship is going south," says Hunter Murray.

She says people experiencing boring or sparkless married sex sometimes wonder if that means they aren't meant to be with their spouse. But, more often it means that the couple needs to talk more about what they like and don't like—and make an appointment with each other.

"Those who make time and effort to schedule sex with one another have much better and much more satisfying sex than those that don't," Hunter Murray explains. "So simply holding the belief that your sex life will ebb and flow over time, and that you can work through sexual slumps, is the biggest step towards making sex more exciting and passionate again."

Or, as Sarah Forbes, curator of the Museum of Sex, puts it the beauty of married sex is realizing it's about so much more than intercourse. "Shortly after I got engaged my grandmother felt it was her duty to call me and say: 'Sex is very important in a marriage,'" she said. "Only now, two kids later, more stressed and exhausted than I've ever been do I really understand how on point her statement was."

If you're experiencing a slump, don't compare your sex life to that of some imaginary, sexually satisfied single (in my experience, solo pizza nights as a single were more satisfying and more common than sex). Instead, talk with your partner about what's going on in the bedroom.

And if you are married and enjoying your best sex life, congratulations. You have to share your pizza, but you also have a best friend to share the most intimate part of your life with.

Who said motherhood doesn't come with a manual?

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Finding the person you want to spend your life with is never easy, but when you're a parent, there's an extra layer of consideration. You're not just choosing the person you will spend lazy Sundays (and hurried weekday mornings) with—you're choosing the person your children will spend them with, too.

And when that person has children of their own, things get even more complicated. Blending two families isn't easy, but it can be beautiful, as Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez prove.

Each half of this power couple has two children each, and they're doing their best to make their relationship work not just for each other, but for those four children, too.

"We love each other and we love our life together," Lopez recently told People. "I was so loving to his kids and he was so loving and accepting of mine, and they embraced each other right away. [It was] 'I get a new bonus brother and sisters to hang out with all the time and it's nice.'"

A Rod agrees, telling People: "Our kids have become best friends and that keeps us both grounded and appreciative."

Here are five ways J Lo and A-Rod are totally #parentinggoals when it comes to balancing the needs of their blended family.

1.They bring the kids together

Lopez and Rodriguez each spend time with their own children, but they also bring all four kids (Lopez shares 10-year-old twins Maximilian and Emme with her ex, Marc Anthony, and Rodriguez shares daughters Ella, 10, and Natasha, 13, with his ex, Cynthia Scurtis) together for fun family outings, like ice cream dates and basketball games.

Research indicates that about 14% of kids in step families don't feel like they belong in their family, and report that their family doesn't have fun together. By bringing the kids together for fun family times, Lopez and Rodriguez are encouraging a sense of family belonging outside the relationship they have with each of the kids individually. Studies suggest an adolescents' sense of family belonging is linked to their overall well-being. So this ice cream date is actually healthy, in a way.

​2. They consider their children's other parents family, too

If their Instagrams are any indication, Rodriguez and Lopez have a great time hanging out with their blended family, but they understand that their children have other family members, too, and they don't mind hanging out with them.

A recent Instagram post proves Rodriguez considers Marc Anthony #famila, and that's how it should be.

Studies show supportive communication between a parent and their ex-partner's new partner is good for the family as a whole. Likewise, when the relationship between a parent and a stepparent is antagonistic, relationships beyond their own stuffer. It's truly better if a parent's co-parent and their current partner can hang.

3. They’re a united front with their co-parents

Rodriguez considers J Lo's ex family, and he also doesn't forget that (despite legal disagreements) his ex-wife plays a big role in his daughter's lives. So he celebrates their big co-parenting moments, like parent-teacher night.

Lopez, too, celebrates the times she and Anthony get together for their twins' big moments, recently telling Kelly Rippa the two are now in a really great place, and basically best friends. "The kids get to spend time with the two of us more together and see us working together," she said."It's just good for the whole family," says Lopez.

4. They make time for each other without the kids

Having all four kids together at once looks like fun, but hanging out with three 10-year-olds and a teen also sounds like it could be a little exhausting. That's why the couple takes time to unwind, without the kids, when they can.

As J Lo wrote in a recent Instagram post, "it's the lil quiet moments that matter the most."

5. They're doing it their way

Back in April Lopez was asked whether or not she and A Rod would be getting married soon (thanks to a Spanish language single "El Anillo," which is Spanish for "The Ring"), she told People, she's not in any rush, despite the song.

"I've done that before. I'm a little bit more grown up now, and I like to let things take their natural course," she said. "I know people are going to say that… we are really kind of good for each other and are really having the best time, and our kids love each other and all that."

[A version of this story was originally published July 12, 2018.]

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If you use U by Kotex tampons, you should check your box before your next period, mama.

Regular absorbency U by Kotex Sleek Tampons are being recalled throughout the U.S. and Canada. According to the FDA, defective tampons have been coming apart when people tried to remove them, "in some cases causing users to seek medical attention to remove tampon pieces left in the body."

The FDA notes that there have also been a "small number of reports of infections, vaginal irritation, localized vaginal injury, and other symptoms."

In a statement on its website, U by Kotex explains that the recall is specific to the U by Kotex Sleek Tampons, Regular Absorbency only. The Super Absorbency or Super Plus Absorbency tampons are not part of the recall.

The recall is for specific lots of the Regular Absorbency tampons manufactured between October 7, 2016 and October 16, 2018.

The lot numbers start with NN (or XM, for small, 3 count packages) and can be found near the barcode on the bottom of the box.

To check if your tampons are part of the recall, type your lot number into this form on the U by Kotex site.


The FDA says if you've used the tampons and are experiencing the following you should seek immediate medical attention:

  • vaginal injury (pain, bleeding, or discomfort)
  • vaginal irritation (itching or swelling)
  • urogenital infections (bladder and/or vaginal bacterial and/or yeast infections)
  • hot flashes
  • abdominal pain
  • nausea or vomiting

If you have a package of the recalled tampons you should not use them and should call Kotex's parent company, Kimberly-Clark at 1-888-255-3499. On its website U by Kotex asks consumers not to return the tampons to stores.

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I grew up watching the Fresh Prince of Bel Air so pretty much anytime Will Smith pops up on my Facebook feed, I click. (Also, I happen to live near West Philadelphia, so you know, there's a lot of theme song singing. My husband finds me hysterical.)

Anyway...

The last time I clicked on a Will Smith video, he was telling a story about when he went skydiving. He had made the decision to go with his friends, and then spent the whole night and morning leading up to it terrified, envisioning all the things that could go wrong.

When he was finally up in the plane, the guide explained that they would jump on the count of three. "One… two…" except they push you out on "two" because everyone throws their arms out and stops themselves at "three." So before he knew it, he was flying.

And he found it to be absolutely amazing.

He said, "The point of maximum danger is the point of minimum fear. It's bliss. The lesson for me was, why were you scared in your bed the night before? What do you need that fear for? You're nowhere even near the airplane. Everything up to the stepping out, there's actually no reason to be scared. It only just ruins your day… the best things in life [are] on the other side of [fear]."

Motherhood is skydiving.

If someone came up to you one day and said, "Hey. I have this job for you. You are going to grow a human in your body, kind of like it's an alien. And then that human is going to come out of your body—and that process is really intense. And then the human will be really helpless and you will have to turn it into a fully functioning adult with an important place in this world. Okay… go!"

You'd smile politely and walk run away as fast as you could.

Because if you think about it, the idea of doing all of that—motherhoodis pretty terrifying. The amount of responsibility and work is sort of incomprehensible.

The grand scheme of motherhood is scary.

The thing is, though, that the grand scheme of motherhood is actually made up of millions of tiny moments in which you will be a total boss.

Whether it's a jump-out-of-the-plane moment, or a get-the-toddler-out-of-the-car-seat moment, you will face it with bravery.

Remember, being brave isn't the absence of fear, it's being afraid and doing it anyway.

Being brave is taking a pregnancy test—and seeing that it's positive. Or seeing that it's negative, again.

Being brave is waiting for the adoption agency to call you and tell you that she's here.

Being brave is watching your body change in a hundred ways, and lovingly rubbing your belly as it does.

Being brave is giving your body over to the process of bringing your baby into the world—yes, even if you cry, or complain, or cry and complain. You're still brave. Promise.

Being brave is bringing that baby home for the first time. Oh, so much bravery needed for that one.

Being brave is giving that first bath, going to that first pediatrician visit, spending that first full day at home, alone, with the baby,

Being brave is your first day back at work—or making the phone call to tell them you won't actually be coming back at all.

Being brave is ignoring all the noise around you, and parenting your child the way you know is best for your family.

Being brave is letting go of her hands when she takes her first steps.

Being brave is sitting next to her and smiling when you're in the emergency room for croup—and then sobbing when you get home.

Being brave is bringing her to her first day of school—and going home without her.

Being brave is saying "yes" to her first sleepover and "no" to her first car.

Being brave is hugging her the first time her heart breaks, when your heart might possibly hurt even more than hers does.

Being brave is listening quietly when she tells you she plans to "travel the world."

Being brave is bringing her to her first day of college—and going home without her.

Being brave is watching her commit her life to another person, who is not you.

Being brave is watching her become a mother.

And one day, sweet, brave mama, you'll look back and realize that you just jumped out of an airplane—you raised a child.

All of the things that seemed terrifyingly impossible—you just…do them. One at a time. You will wake up every day a little bit braver than the day before. And before you know it, you can look back on any aspect of motherhood and realize that little by little, you just increased your flying altitude.

Things that was seemed daunting are handled with ease. Ideas that once seemed impossible have become your reality one thousand times over.

So yes, motherhood is incredibly scary. But you are incredibly brave.

One... two... jump!

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Here at Motherly, we're all in on pregnant mamas. We love all things pregnancy science: from how a woman's body absorbs her baby's cells, and the effect of breastfeeding on postpartum weight loss. We fawn over the latest + greatest in baby names. And we adore a good celeb baby bump picture.

So we're thrilled for Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, royal newlyweds expecting their first child together in the Spring of 2019.

And recently, when the Duchess presented a British Fashion Award to the designer behind her wedding dress (Givenchy designer Clare Waight Keller) we were not thrilled when headlines suggested Markle "showing off" her bump by cradling it during the awards show.

Here's the deal: When media outlets make note of a pregnant woman whose bump is visible, they often report that the woman is out "flaunting" her belly.

PSA: Pregnant women do not "flaunt" their bodies.

They aren't "showing off their baby bumps."

They're not "taking their bellies out for a day on the town."

They're simply women who are pregnant, going about their daily lives.

This might seem like a small point, quibbling about particular words about pregnancy.

But in reality, acting like pregnant women are "flaunting" their bellies reflects a society that sees pregnancy as a sideshow, rather than a natural part of womanhood. It makes pregnant women feel like weirdos, rather than integral bearers of the future of humanity. It tells women, yet again, that their changing bodies are up for public critique. And it implies to women that the natural changes in their bodies are strange, rather than a normal evolution in life.

So yes, Meghan's baby bump is visible. How exciting for her!

She's not 'flaunting it,' proud mama-to-be though she is.

Meghan Markle is simply rocking her life as a modern woman (and royal), and pregnancy looks amazing on her.

[A version of this story was originally published October 24, 2018]

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