‘I dreamed of a daughter’: This mom’s emotional story of gender disappointment is resonating with parents
Credit: Instagram / tiffany.creates
After recently losing her mom to ovarian cancer, the idea of having a daughter had become more than just a hope — it was her emotional lifeline.
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After losing her mother to ovarian cancer, Tiffany Gaines imagined motherhood would help her rebuild what had been lost. The idea of having a daughter became more than just a hope—it became an emotional lifeline. So when her NIPT test revealed she was expecting a boy, it didn’t feel like a neutral fact. It felt like another wave of grief.
But Gaines, now a mom of two sons, is being widely applauded for the emotional honesty of her story. In a heartfelt Instagram reel, she opened up about her initial heartbreak, her battle with postpartum depression, and how she slowly came to embrace her identity as a proud “boy mom.” And judging by the response—over 690,000 views and 5,000 likes—it struck a nerve with a lot of parents.
When your dreams of motherhood don’t match your reality
Gaines’ story has resonated so deeply not because it’s rare—but because it’s rarely said out loud. While many parents hope for a specific gender, few openly acknowledge the grief that can come when those hopes don’t align with reality.
According to relational psychotherapist Claire Law, who spoke to Newsweek, gender disappointment is more common than people realize. “Parenting is often imagined before it’s experienced, shaped by societal expectations and images of what parenthood should look like,” she explained. “When reality doesn’t match these expectations, it can lead to disappointment.”
In Gaines’ case, she wasn’t just imagining a daughter—she was trying to hold onto her mother’s legacy. She’d named the daughter she thought she was having. She wrote to her. She envisioned a new version of the bond she had just lost. Letting go of that dream felt like losing her mom all over again.
“I wondered where my daughter was”
Despite criticism from those who felt she should just be grateful, Gaines gave herself space to process. She went to therapy. She restarted antidepressants. And when her son Brighton was born, she did everything she could to embrace her new reality—buying a “boy mom” bracelet, seeking advice from her sister, and looking for moments of light.
Still, bonding didn’t come easily. “I felt like he was a stranger,” she shared. “I wondered where my daughter was.”
That one line, raw and unfiltered, struck a deep chord. For many mothers, the early postpartum period is already loaded with pressure to feel immediate love and attachment. Add unprocessed grief to the mix, and that pressure can become isolating.
A different outcome—with baby number two
When Gaines became pregnant again, she decided to take an early gender test—not to control the outcome, but to give herself time to process, privately and without outside judgment.
Her second baby was also a boy. But this time, she felt the connection instantly. “Relief came over me—that my soul wasn’t damaged and that my heart wasn’t three sizes too small,” she said.
With two sons, she leaned fully into her new identity—learning woodworking, fixing toys, and calling herself the “momchanic” of the house. It wasn’t the motherhood she had pictured. But it became the motherhood she was proud to claim.
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It’s not about gender—it’s about grief, identity, and the stories we carry
Perinatal clinical psychologist Dr. Renée Miller has worked with many mothers navigating gender disappointment. In a Momwell podcast episode, she explains, “Gender disappointment is grief. It ranges from mild to extreme in people, and it happens when we find out the sex of the baby we’re having is not the sex we had hoped for.”
It’s a feeling rarely acknowledged in mainstream conversations—but one that is deeply human. The disappointment, as Dr. Miller explains, stems from mourning an imagined future—not from a lack of love for the child.
The takeaway: You’re not alone, and you’re not broken
By speaking out, Gaines reminded parents that disappointment can exist right alongside love—that the presence of one doesn’t erase the other. And in doing so, she helped chip away at the shame so many moms carry in silence.
As she shared: “My sons suddenly did not look like girls or boys to me. They were joy. Every atom in their body was joyous and happy to be alive.”
That’s the kind of motherhood story we need more of—not picture-perfect, but human and healing.
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