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Parenting is always a challenge, but parenting in public, or under the critical gaze of extended family, can be some of the hardest moments.

Not only do we have to be extra creative to help our child cope in a way that doesn't infringe on the rights of others. We have to do it in front of an audience! An audience that we suspect is judging us as bad parents. It doesn't matter whether it's grandparents thinking we spoil just a bit too much, or supermarket cashiers thinking we might be a little mean. If we were good parents, our child wouldn't be acting up to begin with. Right?

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Actually, wrong. Even well-adjusted, wonderful children of parents we would all admire have their moments. I still remember the doozy of a tantrum my son had in the car when he was three, when we were driving with my dad and stepmom. I think they were actually surprised that my son turned out to be such a great kid.

My insight from that experience? My son was in the right. I would have done things differently if we were alone. But because they were there, I compromised my own instincts, and didn't listen to my son. Sure, the grandparents thought they should outrank a toddler. But looking back 23 years, I see clearly that my son experienced my going along with them as a betrayal of our relationship.

Did my son come out okay? Yes, of course. As long as we're usually empathic with our kids, those failures of empathy are fine. In fact, he probably learned something about how we can repair rifts in relationships, and even about sticking up for himself. But as a result of that experience, and many, many stories I have heard from parents, I'm here to encourage you to stick to your parenting convictions, even in public, and even with grandparents.

Would your child be better behaved in public if you were a more authoritarian parent? Maybe. But we know that parenting style doesn't encourage healthy development and it only lasts for as long as you can physically control your child.

Of course you need to set limits with your child, whether that's about jumping on Grandma's couch or running through a restaurant. But you can set limits without resorting to punishment. Instead of threatening kids with consequences if they don't behave, why not help your child become the kind of person who understands what behavior is appropriate, and who wants to behave that way?

Here's how.

1. Tend to basic needs.

Be pre-emptive. Don't take a tired, hungry child anywhere. Even if you're going to a meal, assume your child will be hungry before the food is served and bring snacks. If you're in the grocery store, head first to the foods you will let them eat, and choose something for them to snack on while you shop. Before you walk into Grandma's, let your child run and roughhouse outside for a few minutes, and pour your love into them while they giggle. The more connected they feel to you, the calmer they'll be, even when they get over-stimulated by all the relatives.

2. Prepare your child.

Explain, even to a baby, what will be happening. Describe what you will do, and any expectations you have for your child's behavior.

"At Grandma's we hold hands and say a blessing, like this. During the blessing, only the person who is offering the blessing speaks. The rest of us will be quiet and listen."

3. Invite your child to contribute positively.

Describe the situation and explore with your child what kinds of contributions would be helpful.

"At the restaurant, the waiters are rushing around balancing food. How can we help them do a good job and not spill things?"

As you discuss visiting family or friends, practice hellos and goodbyes so your child is more comfortable with those often-tricky greetings.

4. Stay present to your child.

Often when children "act out" in public or when they're visiting relatives, it's because they feel our attention is elsewhere. That makes them a bit insecure, so they act out to get the reassurance that we're still attending to them. For instance, if you expect to spend an airplane flight relaxing, you can count on your child needing to interact with you fairly constantly. The more we can stay connected with a child, the less he will act out, always.

5. Find a way to involve your child.

It's simply not developmentally reasonable for a young child to watch quietly while you're in the hardware store. Their job description is to learn about the world through hands-on exploration. So let them touch when you can, and ask them questions:

"Look at all the different sizes of screws... This is such a tiny screw.... what could it be used for?"

Let them help you find and test the screw driver you need, and pay the cashier. This will always take more time than if you just pull them along, but you'll finish the errand with a happier—and more intellectually curious—child.

6. When your child gets restless, don't ignore it.

Most of us get more anxious, and try to move faster. We say, "We're almost done shopping ... be patient for a few more minutes." But a young child simply can't do that. They need your help to get back in balance, so they don't fall apart. So instead of speeding up, start by slowing down and taking a deep breath. Then, take a minute to reconnect—hug, make eye contact, sing to them softly, or twirl them around. That might be enough to shift your child's mood and give you time to complete your errand—with both of you in a good mood!

7. Find ways to honor or redirect your child's impulses.

"You want to run! Let's go back outside the store for a few minutes to run, since you've been sitting in the car. Then, when we come back in the store, let's walk THIS way!"

Exaggerate your silly, slow walk, to get your child laughing. Laughter dissolves tension and creates more positivity.

8. Start with empathy and listen to your child before you jump in to problem solve.

Once a child feels heard and understood, they're more likely to be able to calm themselves.

"You seem pretty mad ... What's going on?... So you're upset because your cousin said .... This is a tough problem .... You want X and your cousin wants Y .... I wonder how we can solve this?"

9. When possible, set your usual limits even when your child resists.

When your child wails "But I WANT the candy, I NEED it!" of course you acknowledge how much she wants it. But that doesn't mean you buy it, unless you want to buy it every time. Instead, you empathize and redirect her longing toward a food you feel good about her eating. She might screech the first four times, or even have a good cry that necessitates you leaving the store. Eventually, she will learn through experience that you don't buy the candy, but instead you'll buy her any fruit she wants.

An airplane, though, or any situation where you can't leave, is obviously not the time to let her have a good cry. So forget about long-term development (that's why you keep situations like planes and restaurants to a minimum during the early years) and go for distraction. If she wants to get up and run during takeoff, empathize:

"You want up! It's hard to wait."

Tell her when she can get what she wants: "As soon as the plane is in the air, you can get up!"

Tell her what she can do with that impulse: "Your body wants to move! Can you wiggle in your seat like this?"

Involve her in what's happening: "Look! we''re taking off! The plane is going up!"

Then distract. Pull out a special treat or small wrapped book or toy you brought just for this moment, "Look, a surprise! What's in it?"

10. Move your child to a more private place.

If your child has a meltdown, it's impossible to attend to him and also finish your shopping. Just scoop him up and remove him from the situation. Maybe you can go to your car, or to an out of the way spot at the mall where you won't be disturbing other people. Just as important, you won't be tempted to parent as onlookers think you should, so you can follow your own parenting instincts.

As always, empathize with how upset he is:

"You want to run around the aisles, but I need you to stay in the cart. I know it's hard to stay in the cart, but you can do this. Let's make it fun for you."

Feeling understood usually calms kids. When he's done crying, hold him and comfort him. If he's still awake, decide if the two of you are up for another try, and if so, how it can work for both of you.

"Maybe for the last bit of shopping, you can walk next to me and help me find things, and then sit in the cart again at the checkout."

11. Keep calming yourself.

Children can be expected to exhibit childish behavior. There's no shame in your child's needs clashing with the household need to get food for the family. The only possible embarrassment here is in responding to that clash by becoming a parent you don't want to be. So when you feel that happening, stop, take a deep breath, and shift gears. Use a mantra, like

"This isn't an emergency .... She's acting like a child because she is a child ... She needs my help to cope."

12. Come up with something to say to any onlookers who comment.

Mostly, you can ignore other people and just move your child to a more out of the way spot. But occasionally, a store clerk, or your mother-in-law, will try to intervene to distract your child. So it's best to prepare yourself with a standard answer that reassures that person that despite your wailing child, it's not an emergency and you don't need them to fix your child or anything else. Something like "He'll be okay ... We just need a little time alone."

13. Remember your first responsibility is to your child.

When your child is screaming on the airplane and all eyes are on you, naturally you want to control your child to keep her quiet, even if control isn't your usual approach. And yes, the other passengers on the plane have a right to a calm flight, too. But focusing on them will just make you more anxious and undermine your ability to help your child. Until you help her with whatever problem is causing her to scream, she will probably keep screaming, so better to ignore everything but staying calm and connecting with your child. The truth is, the other passengers are much less interested in judging you than in having a quiet flight.

14. Assume the support of your audience.

In the same way that audiences root for performers to succeed, the people watching actually want you and your child to succeed. They know kids can be unpredictable and unreasonable. They may assume the situation would get resolved faster if you did it their way, but imagine how impressed the grandparents will be when they see your son pull himself together because you've empathized.

"Oh, Sweetie, you really wish you could have another cookie, I know! Tell me how many cookies you would like to eat? 10,000?! Oh my goodness, would you be as tall as the sky then?"

And what about the times when, inevitably, you're embarrassed about the way your child is behaving? You will probably want to have a quiet conversation with the grandparents at some point to explain why your parenting philosophy is going to raise emotionally intelligent grandchildren, and why punishment won't. But those strangers in the grocery store? You'll never see them again. Smile ruefully and say, "Sometimes we all have bad days." Nobody can disagree with that.

Originally posted on Aha Parenting.

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As the saying goes, "failing to prepare is preparing to fail," and that seriously applies to parenting. With no fewer than one dozen items to wrangle before walking out the door on an ordinary errand, mamas have plenty on their mind. That is why one of the very best gifts you can give the mamas in your life this year is to reduce her mental load with some gear she can depend on when she's out and about.

Although it may be impossible to guarantee completely smooth outings with kids in tow, here are the items we rely on for making getting out of the house less of a chore.

1. Bugaboo Bee 5 stroller

This stroller is a dream come true for any mama on the go. (Meaning: All of us!) Lightweight, compact and easy to maneuver with just one hand, this is made for navigating busy sidewalks with ease—or just fitting in the trunk without a major wrestling match. It's designed for little passengers to love just as much, too, with a bassinet option for newborn riders that can be easily swapped with a comfy, reclining seat that can face forward or backward for bigger kids.

$699

2. Bugaboo wheel board

This wheel board will let big brother or sister easily hitch a ride on the stroller if their little legs aren't quite up for a full walk. We love the smart details that went into the design, including a slightly offset position so Mom or Dad can walk without bumping their legs. And because toddlers have strong opinions of their own, it's brilliant that the wheel board allows them to sit or stand.

$125

3. Nuby Keepeez cup strap

If you know a little one gearing up for the major leagues with a killer throwing arm, this is a must-have so parents aren't buying new sippy cups on a weekly basis. Perfect for tethering to high chairs, strollers, car seats and shopping carts, it allows Mama to feel confident she'll return home with everything she left with in the first place.

$6.99

4. Bugaboo footmuff

For those mamas who live anywhere where the temps regularly dip below 40 degrees Fahrenheit in the winter, this ultra-soft, comfortable footmuff is a lifesaver. Made with water-repellant microfleece, it keeps little ones dry and cozy—whether there is melting snow, a good drizzle or simply a spilled sippy cup.

$129.95

5. Bugaboo stroller organizer

Because we know #mombrain is no joke, we are all for products that will help us stay organized—especially when out and about. With multiple zipper pockets, a sleek design and velcro straps that help it easily convert to a handbag when stepping away from the stroller, it helps keep essentials from spare diapers to the car keys within reach.

$39.95

6. Bugaboo Turtle car seat

It may be called a car seat, but we love that this one is specifically designed to securely click into a stroller frame, too. (Meaning there is no need to wake up a sleeping baby for a car-to-stroller transfer!) More reasons to love it are the lightweight design, UPF 50+ sun protection shade and Merino wool inlay, meaning it's baby and mama friendly.

$349

7. Chicco QuickSeat hook-on chair

This hook-on baby chair will almost certainly earn a spot on your most-used list. Perfect for dining out or simply giving your baby a space to sit, it's portable and beyond easy to install. (Plus, it's a great alternative to those questionably clean high chairs at many restaurants!)

$57.99

8. Bugaboo stroller cup holder

Chasing after kids when out and about can work up a thirst, just like neighborhood strolls in the chillier months can get, well, chilly. So we love that this cup holder will help mama keep something for herself to drink close at hand. Designed to accommodate bottles of all sizes and easy to click onto any compatible stroller, it's a perfect stocking stuffer.

$29.95

9. Bugaboo soft wool blanket

Fair warning with this luxe stroller blanket: It's so cozy that you might want to buy another one for yourself! Made with Merino wool that helps it stand up to any elements parents might encounter during an outing, it will help baby stay warm during the winter and cool enough as the temps start to pick up.

$109.95

10. Munchkin silicone placemats

Made to roll and stow in a diaper bag, these silicone placemats will make dining out a (relatively) less messy experience. With raised edges that will help contain spills and a grippy bottom, they will stay in place on tables so that parents might be able to enjoy their own meals, too.

$8.99

11. Bugaboo Breezy seat liner

Designed to keep baby warm when it's cool and cool when it's warm, this seat liner will minimize fusses during all seasons—which is one of the very best gifts you can give a mama. Because accidents of all types can happen on the go, we also love that this seat liner is reversible! With a number of colors, it's also a fun way to help a stroller to stand out at the playground.

$79.95

12. OXO Tot Handy stroller hook

If you ever catch yourself thinking it would be nice to have another hand, these stroller clips are the next-best solution for when you are out and about. Perfect for lugging a bag or anchoring a cup, you'll want a set for every stroller you own.

$14.99

This article was sponsored by Bugaboo. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.

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Vogue cover star Ashley Graham has received a lot of advice about pregnancy from some pretty famous friends. Since the moment she announced her pregnancy in August, Ashley Graham has been sharing gorgeous pictures of her body's evolution. But as we all know pregnancy is just the teeniest sliver of the iceberg that is motherhood, and there have been a whole lot of mothers eager to tell her so.

In the new issue of Vogue, the supermodel and some of her famous friends share the advice they've been giving the mom-to-be.

"Now all anyone wants to talk to me about is being pregnant," said Graham, who is due to have her baby boy with husband Justin Ervin in January. "There's just this camaraderie. It's a secret society that I didn't know about."


While most of us don't take too kindly to unsolicited parenting advice, we might feel a little differently if Serena Williams was texting it to us.

Here are some of the choice bits of motherhood wisdom Graham has received:

Kim Kardashian: Pregnancy is harder than giving birth (but every mama has her own journey)

"Ashley, the pregnancy may be the hardest part, but the birth is the easiest," Kim Kardashian told Graham at Williams' fashion show this September.

Kim has had famously hard, complicated pregnancies, so that was her experience, but not every mother feels this way. For some pregnancy would rank as easier, while some would say that birth wasn't even as hard as the postpartum recovery.

Every mama's journey is different.

Jordan Foster: Friends make pregnancy and motherhood easier

Graham said she had a hard time during the first four months when she was keeping her pregnancy a secret and her body was going through all its crazy hormonal changes. "I felt like I didn't have anyone to talk to. I was gaining weight rapidly. And I felt alone. And the one piece of advice that my stylist, Jordan Foster, gave me was: Make pregnant friends. None of my friends were in relationships, let alone pregnant. And now I have nine pregnant friends."

We're so happy that Ashley found nine fellow mamas to connect with. Jordan gives good advice!

Serena Williams: It's okay to be scared

Serena Williams told Graham that it's okay to be afraid, there's a lot happening when your body transforms during pregnancy. It's okay to have moments when you admit that there is a lot going on.

"I was one of those people who wanted to know every ugly detail of what happens . . . down there . . . what happens everywhere," Serena Williams told Vogue of her conversations with Graham. "Like, why are my nipples so big a week into being pregnant? This makes no sense; the baby doesn't need to eat yet. I wanted to know every single thing, and I still love talking about it. Because I feel like it's important to kind of change the narrative and be like, it's normal to feel scared, and not be one of those women who are like, 'Oh, it's so great!' Just be scared out of your mind. That's normal."

Serena Williams: Don't compare yourself to other postpartum mamas 

Not that Graham, of all people, is prone to thinking her body should look like everyone else's, but Williams wanted to reiterate this. "I had a little problem with the lies of girls on Instagram—like, coming out of the hospital holding the baby and . . . you know . . . looking thinner than before," Williams said. "That's not happening to me! That's one thing I've learned, and the thing I tell Ashley: Everybody—literally every body—is different. You might jump back in an hour. I didn't."

Amy Schumer: You'll get why parents are so excited to give advice.

Amy Schumer understands a thing or two about the unsolicited advice people offer to pregnant mamas and new parents, but now that she's got a few months of parenthood under her belt she also understands why parents offer it. It often comes from a good place, even if the timing isn't great.

"People are so in your face when you're pregnant because they're so f---ing excited for you. And you don't get it. You can't possibly get it. And then after you've had a baby you're like, 'Oh, I get it!'," Amy Schumer said she told Graham.

But Schumer also told Graham she's gonna hold herself back from offering unsolicited advice, but reminded Graham that she's only a phone call away if the new mama does ever want to hear Schumer's suggestions.

Graham is taking all this advice in, while "not putting too much pressure on myself" she said.

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There's nothing Beyoncé can't do, at least as far as we can see. From dropping record-breaking albums to starring in movies to dominating stadium tours, the woman seems almost superhuman. But even Beyoncé can admit that working motherhood is really, really hard. She recently opened up about her struggles—and we never thought we'd say this—but we kind of feel like we can relate to Beyoncé.

The superstar recently opened up about everything from body image to hitting up Target in a brand new interview. But here's what we're taking away form the conversation: Beyoncé's raw, confessional comments about juggling motherhood and career.

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"I think the most stressful thing for me is balancing work and life," Beyoncé tells Elle when asked what stresses her out. "Making sure I am present for my kids—dropping Blue off at school, taking Rumi and Sir to their activities, making time for date nights with my husband, and being home in time to have dinner with my family—all while running a company can be challenging."

Say it louder, Beyoncé! It's crazy to hear that even the most iconic celebrity of all worries about things like school drop off. Admittedly, we don't know exactly what Bey's juggle looks like. We have no idea what it feels like to be trailed by the paparazzi or sell out stadiums or have access to absolutely everything money can buy. But here's what we do understand: The incredible pressure that comes with trying to fit too many things into too few hours, and the feeling that we wish we could be multiple places at once.

Something else we can relate to? Beyoncé's feelings about her body and its evolution over the years. "If someone told me 15 years ago that my body would go through so many changes and fluctuations, and that I would feel more womanly and secure with my curves, I would not have believed them," she says. "But children and maturity have taught me to value myself beyond my physical appearance and really understand that I am more than enough no matter what stage I'm at in life."

Amen to that, Mama!

And most relatable of all is this answer she provided. When a fan asked, "With all the hats you wear (chairwoman, global entertainer) and all the titles we give you (Queen, Yoncé), which brings you the greatest joy?" via email, here's what Queen B had to say: "Being Blue, Rumi, and Sir's mom."

We feel this so hard. And it's so gratifying to see that even Beyoncé—with all the massive, unprecedented things she's accomplished—knows that when it comes right down to it, nothing compares to being a mama.

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Every winter, without fail, my skin gets very dry. It's like clockwork. As soon as November hits its as if the dry skin Gods band together to give me dry, patchy skin. Some winters are better than others, but this winter it's especially bad. Maybe it's age-related skin changes, or perhaps it's because I moved into a new home with radiator heating and every morning I wake up in what seems to be the Saraha desert. Either way, I'm over it and needed answers.

I caught up with celebrity esthetician Elina Fedotova and her findings are making a big difference on my skin.

"Sometimes in the cold months, we feel achy so many people love to take long hot showers in the morning or take a bath and that is very understandable," she says. "However, remember that long hot showers can lead to over-drying your skin, especially in the winter. Instead of soap, use an oil-based sugar or sea salt scrub. Also, you can use butter-based polishing masks preferably with probiotics because it will help your skin's microbiome, which is essentially important for protective functions on your skin."

Here is my favorite body scrub, plus a few others for you to consider for this winter, mama:

Herbivore Coco Rose Coconut Oil Body Polish

Herbivore Coco Rose Coconut Oil Body Polish

A sweet-smelling body scrub that's uber gentle and in millennial pink? Yes, please! I also love that the sugar, virgin coconut and Moroccan rose oils not only provide major hydration, but they increase hydration and reduce redness. It also looks pretty cute alone on my vanity when I'm going through my decluttering phase and need to purge.

$36

Babe and Body’s Shower Yoga

Babe and Body\u2019s Shower Yoga

Sometimes you have to skip the downward dog and bring the namaste straight to your warm shower. This zen-inspired muscle and joint relief scrub combine the powers of dead sea salt and magnesium while infusing scents of lemon and lavender. The lemon oil is also great for tightening the skin, preventing wrinkles and removing excess oil. And, using it makes me feel like I'm kind of working out—even when I haven't seen the inside of a gym in days (okay, fine, months).

$29

OUAI Scalp & Body Scrub

OUAI Scalp & Body Scrub

This scrub really allows me to put Fedotova's suggestion to practice. This exfoliating sugar crystals cleanses and softens my skin and even adds a dose of probiotics that she mentioned to help my skin's defense. It also smells so good I use it during my at-home spa moments (read: mandatory self-care time) when my toddler is having a tantrum.

$38

Fresh Brown Sugar Body Polish Exfoliator

Fresh Brown Sugar Body Polish Exfoliator

This no-frills cult-favorite body scrub has stood the test of time. The brown sugar crystals in it serve as natural humectants that prevent moisture loss, while the oils add instant hydration. And, yes, the rumors are true: you can expect a complete skin refresh that lasts for days.

$39
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Gift-giving is always well-intentioned: It's rooted in the joy of seeing the kids open something new and showing their excitement. It's rooted in a language of love that lavishes gifts decadently like extra butter on a roll. It's rooted in an attempt to connect.

It's an immense privilege to have a family who loves my kids and showers us with gifts—I don't take that lightly. But what my kids need is a present mom, and the overflow of presents makes that harder than ever.

When birthdays and holidays are approaching, I find myself looking around every corner of my house. I see the Lego pieces that once created an incredible train track now scattered in every crevice. I see the pieces just waiting for me to step on them in the middle of the night.

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I see the discarded toys that I try to bring back to life because, after all, they were purchased not that long ago.

I see the tubs of "rotate in and out" toys that we use to try to keep things fresh because, after all, kids can only play with so many things at one time.

I see the pile of things we have yet to open. Things we reserved for later because the pile of "new" grew too large.

These piles of plastic make me feel out of control. They make me feel like I'm the manager of "things" instead of a safe place for my little humans. The toys call out to me to be picked up and organized during times that I need to rest, connect with my family or do anything else.

As a stay-at-home-mom, one thing I never anticipated was how many days can pass that I feel disconnected from my kids because the anxiety of "stuff" takes the front seat. Days when I feel like all I do is pick up "stuff" and try to keep my kids engaged in something for more than a few minutes. Days when it feels like the toys are literally mocking me out loud—reminding me of the control I've lost and the ongoing task list of keeping "stuff" from taking over the entire house.

This feeling of no control is a huge trigger for my anxiety. Anxiety has been a part of my life for years but as a mom, it has had bigger implications.

When anxiety takes over, I can't see the small moments and opportunities.

When anxiety takes over, I can't sit and laugh and tell stories like I want to.

When anxiety takes over, I can't get lost in hours of imaginative play.

When anxiety takes over, I can't sit and snuggle my little one without a constant flood of frustrated thoughts.

I want my kids to have an anxiety-free mom. I want them to have a mom who is connected and purposeful. A mom who gets lost in play and laughter. I want them to have a mom who encourages them to use their imagination and gets on their level. I want a mom who feels less pressure to "busy the kids" with something so that the "stuff" can be picked up.

You see, having all the stuff actually results in my kids spending less time enjoying what they have. It results in less time for play and more time for clean up. It results in more screen time because I need more "mommy needs to get this cleaned up so she doesn't lose her mind" time.

In a world that is so fast-paced and always screaming for "more!" I am constantly trying to help my kids slow down and savor what they have. I don't want my kids to not be able to focus on one activity because their brain is darting to the next thing. I want them to have intentional values—values of creativity and connection. The abundance of stuff feels like a roadblock to instilling these values.

So as the holidays and birthdays continue to come and go, I'll do my part to take care of my anxiety and ask my family and friends to do their part in helping us focus more on the values of our family and less on filling our home with toys that are sure to be deserted in just a few weeks. After all, is there anything better than love and connection?

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