A modern lifestyle brand redefining motherhood

Parenting is always a challenge, but parenting in public, or under the critical gaze of extended family, can be some of the hardest moments.

Not only do we have to be extra creative to help our child cope in a way that doesn't infringe on the rights of others. We have to do it in front of an audience! An audience that we suspect is judging us as bad parents. It doesn't matter whether it's grandparents thinking we spoil just a bit too much, or supermarket cashiers thinking we might be a little mean. If we were good parents, our child wouldn't be acting up to begin with. Right?

Actually, wrong. Even well-adjusted, wonderful children of parents we would all admire have their moments. I still remember the doozy of a tantrum my son had in the car when he was three, when we were driving with my dad and stepmom. I think they were actually surprised that my son turned out to be such a great kid.

My insight from that experience? My son was in the right. I would have done things differently if we were alone. But because they were there, I compromised my own instincts, and didn't listen to my son. Sure, the grandparents thought they should outrank a toddler. But looking back 23 years, I see clearly that my son experienced my going along with them as a betrayal of our relationship.

Did my son come out okay? Yes, of course. As long as we're usually empathic with our kids, those failures of empathy are fine. In fact, he probably learned something about how we can repair rifts in relationships, and even about sticking up for himself. But as a result of that experience, and many, many stories I have heard from parents, I'm here to encourage you to stick to your parenting convictions, even in public, and even with grandparents.

Would your child be better behaved in public if you were a more authoritarian parent? Maybe. But we know that parenting style doesn't encourage healthy development and it only lasts for as long as you can physically control your child.

Of course you need to set limits with your child, whether that's about jumping on Grandma's couch or running through a restaurant. But you can set limits without resorting to punishment. Instead of threatening kids with consequences if they don't behave, why not help your child become the kind of person who understands what behavior is appropriate, and who wants to behave that way?

Here's how.

1. Tend to basic needs.

Be pre-emptive. Don't take a tired, hungry child anywhere. Even if you're going to a meal, assume your child will be hungry before the food is served and bring snacks. If you're in the grocery store, head first to the foods you will let them eat, and choose something for them to snack on while you shop. Before you walk into Grandma's, let your child run and roughhouse outside for a few minutes, and pour your love into them while they giggle. The more connected they feel to you, the calmer they'll be, even when they get over-stimulated by all the relatives.

2. Prepare your child.

Explain, even to a baby, what will be happening. Describe what you will do, and any expectations you have for your child's behavior.

"At Grandma's we hold hands and say a blessing, like this. During the blessing, only the person who is offering the blessing speaks. The rest of us will be quiet and listen."

3. Invite your child to contribute positively.

Describe the situation and explore with your child what kinds of contributions would be helpful.

"At the restaurant, the waiters are rushing around balancing food. How can we help them do a good job and not spill things?"

As you discuss visiting family or friends, practice hellos and goodbyes so your child is more comfortable with those often-tricky greetings.

4. Stay present to your child.

Often when children "act out" in public or when they're visiting relatives, it's because they feel our attention is elsewhere. That makes them a bit insecure, so they act out to get the reassurance that we're still attending to them. For instance, if you expect to spend an airplane flight relaxing, you can count on your child needing to interact with you fairly constantly. The more we can stay connected with a child, the less he will act out, always.

5. Find a way to involve your child.

It's simply not developmentally reasonable for a young child to watch quietly while you're in the hardware store. Their job description is to learn about the world through hands-on exploration. So let them touch when you can, and ask them questions:

"Look at all the different sizes of screws... This is such a tiny screw.... what could it be used for?"

Let them help you find and test the screw driver you need, and pay the cashier. This will always take more time than if you just pull them along, but you'll finish the errand with a happier—and more intellectually curious—child.

6. When your child gets restless, don't ignore it.

Most of us get more anxious, and try to move faster. We say, "We're almost done shopping ... be patient for a few more minutes." But a young child simply can't do that. They need your help to get back in balance, so they don't fall apart. So instead of speeding up, start by slowing down and taking a deep breath. Then, take a minute to reconnect—hug, make eye contact, sing to them softly, or twirl them around. That might be enough to shift your child's mood and give you time to complete your errand—with both of you in a good mood!

7. Find ways to honor or redirect your child's impulses.

"You want to run! Let's go back outside the store for a few minutes to run, since you've been sitting in the car. Then, when we come back in the store, let's walk THIS way!"

Exaggerate your silly, slow walk, to get your child laughing. Laughter dissolves tension and creates more positivity.

8. Start with empathy and listen to your child before you jump in to problem solve.

Once a child feels heard and understood, they're more likely to be able to calm themselves.

"You seem pretty mad ... What's going on?... So you're upset because your cousin said .... This is a tough problem .... You want X and your cousin wants Y .... I wonder how we can solve this?"

9. When possible, set your usual limits even when your child resists.

When your child wails "But I WANT the candy, I NEED it!" of course you acknowledge how much she wants it. But that doesn't mean you buy it, unless you want to buy it every time. Instead, you empathize and redirect her longing toward a food you feel good about her eating. She might screech the first four times, or even have a good cry that necessitates you leaving the store. Eventually, she will learn through experience that you don't buy the candy, but instead you'll buy her any fruit she wants.

An airplane, though, or any situation where you can't leave, is obviously not the time to let her have a good cry. So forget about long-term development (that's why you keep situations like planes and restaurants to a minimum during the early years) and go for distraction. If she wants to get up and run during takeoff, empathize:

"You want up! It's hard to wait."

Tell her when she can get what she wants: "As soon as the plane is in the air, you can get up!"

Tell her what she can do with that impulse: "Your body wants to move! Can you wiggle in your seat like this?"

Involve her in what's happening: "Look! we''re taking off! The plane is going up!"

Then distract. Pull out a special treat or small wrapped book or toy you brought just for this moment, "Look, a surprise! What's in it?"

10. Move your child to a more private place.

If your child has a meltdown, it's impossible to attend to him and also finish your shopping. Just scoop him up and remove him from the situation. Maybe you can go to your car, or to an out of the way spot at the mall where you won't be disturbing other people. Just as important, you won't be tempted to parent as onlookers think you should, so you can follow your own parenting instincts.

As always, empathize with how upset he is:

"You want to run around the aisles, but I need you to stay in the cart. I know it's hard to stay in the cart, but you can do this. Let's make it fun for you."

Feeling understood usually calms kids. When he's done crying, hold him and comfort him. If he's still awake, decide if the two of you are up for another try, and if so, how it can work for both of you.

"Maybe for the last bit of shopping, you can walk next to me and help me find things, and then sit in the cart again at the checkout."

11. Keep calming yourself.

Children can be expected to exhibit childish behavior. There's no shame in your child's needs clashing with the household need to get food for the family. The only possible embarrassment here is in responding to that clash by becoming a parent you don't want to be. So when you feel that happening, stop, take a deep breath, and shift gears. Use a mantra, like

"This isn't an emergency .... She's acting like a child because she is a child ... She needs my help to cope."

12. Come up with something to say to any onlookers who comment.

Mostly, you can ignore other people and just move your child to a more out of the way spot. But occasionally, a store clerk, or your mother-in-law, will try to intervene to distract your child. So it's best to prepare yourself with a standard answer that reassures that person that despite your wailing child, it's not an emergency and you don't need them to fix your child or anything else. Something like "He'll be okay ... We just need a little time alone."

13. Remember your first responsibility is to your child.

When your child is screaming on the airplane and all eyes are on you, naturally you want to control your child to keep her quiet, even if control isn't your usual approach. And yes, the other passengers on the plane have a right to a calm flight, too. But focusing on them will just make you more anxious and undermine your ability to help your child. Until you help her with whatever problem is causing her to scream, she will probably keep screaming, so better to ignore everything but staying calm and connecting with your child. The truth is, the other passengers are much less interested in judging you than in having a quiet flight.

14. Assume the support of your audience.

In the same way that audiences root for performers to succeed, the people watching actually want you and your child to succeed. They know kids can be unpredictable and unreasonable. They may assume the situation would get resolved faster if you did it their way, but imagine how impressed the grandparents will be when they see your son pull himself together because you've empathized.

"Oh, Sweetie, you really wish you could have another cookie, I know! Tell me how many cookies you would like to eat? 10,000?! Oh my goodness, would you be as tall as the sky then?"

And what about the times when, inevitably, you're embarrassed about the way your child is behaving? You will probably want to have a quiet conversation with the grandparents at some point to explain why your parenting philosophy is going to raise emotionally intelligent grandchildren, and why punishment won't. But those strangers in the grocery store? You'll never see them again. Smile ruefully and say, "Sometimes we all have bad days." Nobody can disagree with that.

Originally posted on Aha Parenting.

You might also like:

Who said motherhood doesn't come with a manual?

Subscribe to get inspiration and super helpful ideas to rock your #momlife. Motherhood looks amazing on you.

Already a subscriber? Log in here.

Baby stuff comes in such cute prints these days. Gone are the days when everything was pink and blue and covered in ducks or teddy bears. Today's baby gear features stylish prints that appeal to mom.

That's why it's totally understandable how a mama could mistake a car seat cover for a cute midi skirt. It happened to Lori Farrell, and when she shared her mishap on Facebook she went viral before she was even home from work. Fellow moms can totally see the humor in Farrell's mishap, and thankfully, so can she.

As for how a car seat cover could be mistaken for a skirt—it's pretty simple, Farrell tells Motherly.

"A friend of mine had given me a huge lot of baby stuff, from clothes to baby carriers to a rocker and blankets and when I pulled it out I was not sure what it was," she explains. "I debated it but washed it anyway then decided because of the way it pulled on the side it must be a maternity skirt."

Farrell still wasn't 100% sure if she was right by the time she headed out the door to work, but she rocked the ambiguous attire anyway.

"When I got to work I googled the brand and realized not only do they not sell clothing but it was a car seat cover."

The brand, Itzy Ritzy, finds the whole thing pretty funny too, sharing Farell's viral moment to its official Instagram.

It may be a car seat cover, but that print looks really good on this mama.

And if you want to copy Farell's style, the Itzy Ritzy 4-in-1 Nursing Cover, Car Seat Cover, Shopping Cart Cover and Infinity Scarf (and skirt!) is available on Amazon for $24.94.

Motherly is your daily #momlife manual; we are here to help you easily find the best, most beautiful products for your life that actually work. We share what we love—and we may receive a commission if you choose to buy.You've got this.

You might also like:

Daycare for infants is expensive across the country, and California has one of the worst states for parents seeking care for a baby. Putting an infant in daycare in California costs $2,914 more than in-state tuition for four years of college, according to the Economic Policy Institute.

Paying north of $1,000 for daycare each month is an incredible burden, especially on single-parent families. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services defines affordable childcare as costing no more than 10% of a family's income—by that definition, less than 29% of families in California can afford infant care. Some single parents spend half their income on day care. It is an incredible burden on working parents.

But that burden may soon get lighter. CBS Sacramento reports California may put between $25 and $35 million into child care programs to make day care more affordable for parents with kids under 3 years old.

Assembly Bill 452, introduced this week, could see $10 million dollars funneled into Early Head Start (which currently gets no money from the state but does get federal funding) and tens of millions more would be spent on childcare for kids under three.

The bill seeks to rectify a broken childcare system. Right now, only about 14% of eligible infants and toddlers are enrolled in subsidized programs in California, and in 2017, only 7% of eligible children younger than three years of age accessed Early Head Start.

An influx of between $25 to $35 million dollars could see more spaces open up for kids under three, as Bill 452, if passed, would see the creation of "grants to develop childcare facilities that serve children from birth to three years of age."

This piece of proposed legislation comes weeks after California's governor announced an ambitious plan for paid parental leave, and as another bill, AB 123, seeks to strengthen the state's pre-kindergarten program.

Right now, it is difficult for some working parents to make a life in California, but by investing in families, the state's lawmakers could change that and change California's future for the better.

You might also like:

When a mama gets married, in most cases she wants her children to be part of her big day. Photographers are used to hearing bride-to-be moms request lots of pictures of their big day, but when wedding photographer Laura Schaefer of Fire and Gold Photography heard her client Dalton Mort planned to wear her 2-year-old daughter Ellora instead of a veil, she was thrilled.

A fellow mama who understands the benefits of baby-wearing, Schaefer was keen to capture the photos Mort requested. "When I asked Dalton about what some of her 'must get' shots would be for her wedding, she specifically asked for ones of her wearing Ellie, kneeling and praying in the church before the tabernacle," Schaefer tells Motherly.

She got those shots and so many more, and now Mort's toddler-wearing wedding day pics are going viral.

"Dalton wore Ellie down the aisle and nursed her to sleep during the readings," Schaefer wrote on her blog, explaining that Ellie then slept through the whole wedding mass.

"As a fellow mother of an active toddler, this is a HUGE win! Dalton told me after that she was SO grateful that Ellie slept the whole time because she was able to focus and really pray through the Mass," Schaefer explains.

Dalton was able to concentrate on her wedding day because she made her baby girl a part of it (and that obviously tired Ellie right out).

Ellie was part of the commitment and family Dalton if forging with her husband, Jimmy Joe. "There is no better behaved toddler than a sleeping toddler, and she was still involved, even though I ended up unwrapping her to nurse her. I held her in my arms while my husband and I said our vows. It was really special for us," Dalton told POPSUGAR.

This is a wedding trend we are totally here for!

Congrats to Dalton and Jimmy Joe (and to Ellie)! 🎉

You might also like:


The internet is freaking out about how Peppa Pig is changing the way toddlers speak, but parents don't need to be too worried.

As Romper first reported, plenty of American parents have noticed that preschoolers are picking up a bit of a British accent thanks to Peppa. Romper's Janet Manley calls it "the Peppa effect," noting that her daughter started calling her "Mummy" after an in-flight Peppa marathon.


Plenty of other parents report sharing Manley's experience, but the British accent is not likely to stick, experts say.

Toronto-based speech and language pathologist Melissa James says this isn't a new thing—kids have always been testing out the accents they hear on TV and in the real world, long before Peppa oinked her way into our Netflix queues.

"Kids have this amazing ability to pick up language," James told Global News. "Their brains are ripe for the learning of language and it's a special window of opportunity that adults don't possess."

Global News reports that back in the day there were concerns about Dora The Explorer potentially teaching kids Spanish words before the kids had learned the English counterparts, and over in the U.K., parents have noticed British babies picking up American accents from TV, too.

But it's not a bad thing, James explains. When an American adult hears "Mummy" their brain translates it to "Mommy," but little kids don't yet make as concrete a connection. "When a child, two, three or four, is watching a show with a British accent and hears [words] for the first time, they are mapping out the speech and sound for that word in the British way."

So if your baby is oinking at you, calling you "Mummy" or testing out a new pronunciation of "toh-mah-toe," know that this is totally natural, and they're not going to end up with a life-long British pig accent.

As Dr, Susannah Levi, associate professor of communicative sciences and disorders at New York University, tells The Guardian, "it's really unlikely that they'd be acquiring an entire second dialect from just watching a TV show."

It sure is cute though.

You might also like:

Motherly provides information of a general nature and is designed for educational purposes only. This site does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.Your use of the site indicates your agreement to be bound by our  Terms of Use and Privacy Policy. Information on our advertising guidelines can be found here.