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I believe self-discipline is the first rule of parenting, and the most important step in building trusting relationships with our children and peaceful homes for them to grow up in. In my book, Positive Parenting, I shared that during the times I have struggled most in my parenting journey, an honest look has always revealed that I was the one, of course, and my children were simply following their leader. When my patience was thin, or my words were unkind, this was reflected back to me in the behavior of my sons.

Getting control of our own emotions and behaviors is challenging work. We often feel justified in our tirades, blaming our emotional outbursts on our children's behavior. If only they would listen!

My epiphany came one day when I heard my own snappy words coming out of my son's mouth. I realized it wasn't him who needed the discipline; it was me. He wasn't being defiant. He was being me. He wasn't being naughty. He was being me.

Children are mirrors, and the reflection I saw that day taught me a valuable lesson—if I expect my children to be kind, gentle, compassionate and respectful, then I must be kind, gentle, compassionate and respectful. What I model has more teaching power than any discipline strategy or lecture ever could.

Why is it so difficult to reign in our emotions rather than act on them?

Many of us didn't learn how to effectively manage our emotions in childhood. We watched our parents and we learned how to handle emotions by how we saw them handle emotions.

When we tried out their tactics, we might have been swiftly punished, and so many of us quickly learned to stuff our emotions to avoid punishment or we acted them out in less than desirable ways. As adults, we simply repeat the patterns we saw growing up, only now we have the authority. There is no one to take away our iPhones. Adding to the problem is our exhaustion, busyness and lack of a village. We are spreading ourselves too thin, and with enough repeated stress, we snap.

To end this cycle, we have to hold ourselves accountable. We really must learn to manage our emotions now so that our children don't bear the brunt of a harshness that they do not deserve, and importantly, so they can learn to manage their own emotions well.

However, parents have a difficult job at a difficult time. Of course, we don't have to be perfect. Yes, our children can see us upset, and no, I'm not suggesting we stuff our feelings and put on a smile. I'm merely suggesting that we expect the same of ourselves that we expect of our children. It's okay to feel hurt. It's not okay to hurt others. But our go-to response—yelling—can be hurtful.

Taking ownership of your emotions and actions is key

Do you take ownership of your feelings and actions, or do you blame them on someone else? I used to blame my feelings on my kids all the time.

When parents say, "You're making me so angry!" they're admitting that they don't have control over their own feelings and actions. The child has control. This is a double-edged sword.

First, this makes children feel responsible for our emotions, and that's a big burden to bear for a child. Second, it teaches them to play the blame game and not take ownership of their emotions and behaviors as well." Does "she made me do it" or "he made me so mad" sound familiar?

Instead of "You're making me so angry," try, "I'm feeling angry right now, and I need to calm down." Don't blame your feelings on anyone else; they are your own. Your children are not responsible for your triggers. You are responsible for understanding why you have the trigger and disabling it.

It can be helpful to keep a journal about your emotions and responses. Just by bringing awareness to the things that cause you to feel angry, you take away some of its power. We are often armed with our triggers in childhood. For example, if you were told often to "quit crying" as a child, then hearing a child whine or cry may bring up uncomfortable feelings for you, perhaps even sadness. Anger is often the mask that sadness hides behind.

Next, work on reframing the negative thoughts that accompany your trigger. For example, if you often think, "My kid whines about everything!" then those words will fuel your negative emotions. However, if you consciously choose to replace that with a more positive or accurate thought, then the anger has space to dissipate. Try "My child is having a hard time and needs my help." With consistency, you'll begin to automatically think gentler thoughts, and your responses will be more positive.

Tips for dealing with anger in the moment

1. Do something physical, like 10 push-ups or a few jumping jacks. Splash cold water on your face or step outside for some fresh air.

2. If you feel the need to yell, use a loud, silly voice or make a "toot toot" noise while cupping your mouth with your hands. Don't worry about looking silly to your kids. It's better to look silly than scary.

3. Choose a positive mantra that you can repeat in times of stress. "I'm capable of remaining calm" or "I've got this" repeated often and out loud will help you calm down.

4. Take deep breaths in for a count of four, hold for a count of seven, and release for a count of eight. Repeat four times.

5. Pretend you are being recorded. Yes, I'm serious! If you knew they were going to show this situation on national television, you'd probably react differently.

Why it's worth the effort

If almost every parent yells, what's the big deal? Raising your voice can feel like a smack across the face. In fact, one study found that yelling is as harmful as hitting.

According to Dr. Kristen Race of The Mindful Life, "Yelling activates the structures of in the limbic system that regulate 'fight or flight' reactions. Repeated activation to these areas tells the brain that their environment is not safe, thus the interconnecting neurons in these areas must remain intact. Because pruning must happen, neurons will be pruned from structures like the prefrontal cortex where higher cognitive functions tend to be regulated."

To put it bluntly, yelling at our children negatively affects their brains. We cannot see the damage inflicted, but deep inside the brain, neural structures are being affected. In addition, frequent yelling erodes the parent-child relationship which is so important for healthy growth.

Your no-yelling plan

1. Join a support group.

There are several yell-free groups on social media. If you're uncomfortable with letting strangers know your business, gather up a few close friends and enlist their help. Tell them of your plan to yell less at your family and ask them to help hold you accountable.

2. Declare your home a yell-free zone.

Post signs. As a bonus to this, your kids can't yell either! Give yourself a pom pom in a jar every time you manage to quell your yell. When that jar is full, buy yourself those new shoes you've been eyeing! I'm not typically a rewards and punishments kind of gal, but sometimes a little incentive is a good thing.

3. Go to the bathroom and yell silently into the mirror, only mouthing what you want to say.

Why? This does two things. One, you get it out. Sort of. Two, you see exactly what it is that your child sees. That image of the twisted raging face is likely to stick with you the next time you feel like screaming at your kid.

4. Be proactive.

If you know that the morning rush makes you mad, change your routine. Get up early. Set things out the night before. Give yourself extra time. Start the day with a short meditation.

5. Release your guilt.

It's easy to hold onto it, but once you realize you should have responded differently, you can let the guilt go. It's served its purpose. Perfection isn't an achievable goal. Aim for doing better, and celebrate the small wins.

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We spend a lot of time prepping for the arrival of a baby. But when it comes to the arrival of our breast milk (and all the massive adjustments that come with it), it's easy to be caught off guard. Stocking up on a few breastfeeding essentials can make the transition to breastfeeding a lot less stressful, which means more time and energy focusing on what's most important: Your recovery and your brand new baby.

Here are the essential breastfeeding tools you'll need, mama:

1. For covering up: A cute nursing cover

First and foremost, please know that all 50 states in the United States have laws that allow women to breastfeed in public. You do not have to cover yourself if you don't want to—and many mamas choose not to—and we are all for it.

That said, if you do anticipate wanting to take a more modest approach to breastfeeding, a nursing cover is a must. You will find an array of styles to choose from, but we love an infinity scarf, like the LK Baby Infinity Nursing Scarf Nursing Cover. You'll be able to wear the nursing cover instead of stuffing it in your already brimming diaper bag—and it's nice to have it right there when the baby is ready to eat.

Also, in the inevitable event that your baby spits-up on you or you leak some milk through your shirt, having a quick and stylish way to cover up is a total #momwin.

2. For getting comfortable: A cozy glider

Having a comfy spot to nurse can make a huge difference. Bonus points if that comfy place totally brings a room together, like the Delta Children Paris Upholstered Glider!

Get your cozy space ready to go, and when your baby is here, you can retreat from the world and just nurse, bond, and love.

3. For unmatched support: A wire-free nursing bra

It may take trying on several brands to find the perfect match, but finding a nursing bra that you love is 100% worth the effort. Your breasts will be changing and working in ways that are hard to imagine. An excellent supportive bra will make this so much more comfortable.

It is crucial to choose a wireless bra for the first weeks of nursing since underwire can increase the risk of clogged ducts (ouch).The Playtex Maternity Shaping Foam Wirefree Nursing Bra is an awesome pick for this reason, and because it is designed to flex and fit your breasts as they go through all those changes.

4. For maximum hydration: A large reusable water bottle

Nothing can prepare you for the intense thirst that hits when breastfeeding. Quench that thirst (and help keep your milk supply up in the process) by always having a water bottle with a straw nearby, like this Exquis Large Outdoor Water Bottle.

5. For feeding convenience: A supportive nursing tank

Experts recommend that during the first weeks of your baby's life, you breastfeed on-demand, meaning that any time your tiny boss demands milk, you feed them. This will help establish your milk supply and get everything off to a good start.

What does this mean for your life? You will be breastfeeding A LOT. Nursing tanks, like the Loving Moments by Leading Lady, make this so much easier. They have built-in support to keep you comfy, and you can totally wear them around the house, or even out and about. When your baby wants to eat, you'll be able to quickly "pop out" a breast and feed them.

6. For pain prevention: A quality nipple ointment

Breastfeeding shouldn't hurt, but the truth is those first days can be uncomfortable. Your nipples will likely feel raw as they adjust to their new job. This will get better! But until it does, nipple ointment is amazing.

My favorite is the Earth Mama Organic Nipple Butter. We love that it's organic, and it is oh-so-soothing on your hard-at-work nipples.

Psst: If it actually hurts when your baby latches on, something may be up, so call your provider or a lactation consultant for help.

7. For uncomfortable moments: A dual breast therapy pack

As your breasts adjust to their new role, you may experience a few discomforts—applying warmth or cold can help make them feel so much better. The Lansinoh TheraPearl 3-in-1 Breast Therapy Pack is awesome because you can microwave the pads or put them in the freezer, giving you a lot of options when your breasts need some TLC.

Again, if you have any concerns about something being wrong (pain, a bump that may be red or hot, fever, or anything else), call a professional right away.

8. For inevitable leaks: An absorbing breast pad

In today's episode of, "Oh come on, really?" you are going to leak breastmilk. Now, this is entirely natural and you are certainly not required to do anything about this. Still, many moms choose to wear breast pads in their bras to avoid leaking through to their shirts.

You can go the convenient and disposable route with Lansinoh Disposable Stay Dry Nursing Pads, or for a more environmentally friendly option, you can choose washable pads, like these Organic Bamboo Nursing Breast Pads.

9. For flexibility: A breast pump

Many women find that a breast pump becomes one of their most essential mom-tools. The ability to provide breast milk when you are away from your baby (and relieve uncomfortable engorged breasts) will add so much flexibility into your new-mom life.

For quick trips out and super-easy in-your-bag transport, opt for a manual pump like the Lansinoh Manual Breast Pump .

If you will be away from your baby for longer periods of time (traveling or working outside the home, for example) an electric pump is your most efficient bet. The Medela Pump In Style Advanced Double Electric Breast Pump is a classic go-to that will absolutely get the job done, and then some.

10. For quality storage: Breast milk bags

Once you pump your liquid gold, aka breast milk, you'll need a place to store it. The Kiinde Twist Pouches allow you to pump directly into the bags which means one less step (and way less to clean).

11. For keeping cool: A freezer bag

Transport your pumped milk back home to your baby safely in a cooler like the Mommy Knows Best Breast Milk Baby Bottle Cooler Bag. Remember to put the milk in a fridge or freezer as soon as you can to optimize how long it stays usable for.

12. For continued nourishment: Bottles

Nothing beats the peace of mind you get when you know that your baby is being well-taken of care—and well fed—until you can be together again. The Philips Avent Natural Baby Bottle Newborn Starter Gift Set is a fan favorite (mama and baby fans alike).

This article is sponsored by Walmart. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.

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Motherly is committed to covering all relevant presidential candidate plans as we approach the 2020 election. We are making efforts to get information from all candidates. Motherly does not endorse any political party or candidate. We stand with and for mothers and advocate for solutions that will reduce maternal stress and benefit women, families and the country.

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A viral video about car seat safety has parents everywhere cracking up and humming Sir-Mix-A-Lot.

"I like safe kids and I cannot lie," raps Norman Regional Health System pediatric hospitalist Dr. Kate Cook (after prefacing her music video with an apology to her children."I'm a doctor tryin' warn you that recs have changed," she continues.

Dr. Cook's rap video is all about the importance of keeping babies facing backward. It's aptly called "Babies Face Back," and uses humor and parody to drive home car seat recommendations from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP).

"Switching from rear-facing to forward-facing is a milestone many parents can't wait to reach," Dr. Cook said in a news release about her hilarious video. "But this is one area where you want to delay the transition as long as possible because each one actually reduces the protection to the child."

Last summer the AAP updated its official stance on car seat safety to be more in line with what so many parents were already doing and recommended that kids stay rear-facing for as long as possible. But with so many things to keep track of in life, it is understandable that some parents still don't know about the change. Dr. Cook wants to change that with some cringe-worthy rapping.

The AAP recommends:

  • Babies and toddlers should ride in a rear-facing car safety seat as long as possible, until they reach the highest weight or height allowed by their seat.
  • Once they are facing forward, children should use a forward-facing car safety seat with a harness for as long as possible. Many seats are good up to 65 pounds.
  • When children outgrow their car seat they should use a belt-positioning booster seat until the vehicle's lap and shoulder seat belt fits properly, between 8 and 12 years old.

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[Editor's note: Motherly is committed to covering all relevant presidential candidate plans as we approach the 2020 election. We are making efforts to get information from all candidates. Motherly does not endorse any political party or candidate. We stand with and for mothers and advocate for solutions that will reduce maternal stress and benefit women, families and the country.]

Suicide rates for girls and women in the United States have increased 50% since 2000, according to the CDC and new research indicates a growing number of pregnant and postpartum women are dying by suicide and overdose. Suicide rates for boys and men are up, too.

It's clear there is a mental health crisis in America and it is robbing children of their mothers and mothers of their children.

Medical professionals urge people to get help early, but sometimes getting help is not so simple. For many Americans, the life preserver that is mental health care is out of reach when they are drowning.

Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg just released a plan he hopes could change that and says the neglect of mental health in the United States must end. "Our plan breaks down the barriers around mental health and builds up a sense of belonging that will help millions of suffering Americans heal," says Buttigieg.

He thinks he can "prevent 1 million deaths of despair by 2028" by giving Americans more access to mental health and addictions services.

In a country where giving birth can put a mother in debt, it's not surprising that while as many as 1 in 5 new moms suffers from perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, more than half of new moms who need mental health treatment don't get it. Stigma, childcare and of course costs are factors in why women aren't seeking help when they are struggling.

Buttigieg's plan is interesting because it could remove some of these barriers. He wants to make mental health care more affordable by ensuring everyone has comprehensive coverage for mental health care and by ensuring that everyone can access a free yearly mental health check-up.

That could make getting help more affordable for some moms, and by increasing reimbursement rates for mental health care delivered through telehealth, this plan could help moms get face time with a medical professional without having to deal with finding childcare first.

Estimates from new research suggest that in some parts of America as many as 14% or 30% of maternal deaths are caused by addiction or suicide. Buttigieg's plan aims to reduce those estimates by fighting the addiction and opioid crisis and increasing access to mental health services in underserved communities and for people of color. He also wants to reduce the stigma and increase support for the next generation by requiring "every school across the country to teach Mental Health First Aid courses."

These are lofty goals with a lofty price tag. It would cost about $300 billion to do what Buttigieg sets out in his plan and the specifics of how the plan would be funded aren't yet known. Neither is how voters will react to this 18-page plan and whether it will help Buttigieg stand out in a crowded field of Democratic candidates.

What we do know is that right now, America is talking about mental health and whether or not that benefits Buttigieg's campaign it will certainly benefit America.

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[Editor's Note: Welcome to It's Science, a Motherly column focusing on evidence-based explanations for the important moments, milestones, and phenomena of motherhood. Because it's not just you—#itsscience.]

If you breastfeed, you know just how magical (and trying) it is, but it has numerous benefits for mama and baby. It is known to reduce the likelihood of developing cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes, and rheumatoid arthritis, and cuts the risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) by half.

If this wasn't powerful enough, scientists have discovered that babies who are fed breast milk have a stomach pH that promotes the formation of HAMLET (Human Alpha-lactalbumin Made Lethal to Tumor cells). HAMLET was discovered by chance when researchers were studying the antibacterial properties of breast milk. This is a combination of proteins and lipids found in breast milk that can work together to kill cancer cells, causing them to pull away from healthy cells, shrink and die, leaving the healthy cells unaffected.

According to researchers at Lund University in Sweden, this mechanism may contribute to the protective effect breast milk has against pediatric tumors and leukemia, which accounts for about 30% of all childhood cancer. Other researchers analyzed 18 different studies, finding that "14% to 19% of all childhood leukemia cases may be prevented by breastfeeding for six months or more."

And recently, doctors in Sweden collaborated with scientists in Prague to find yet another amazing benefit to breast milk. Their research demonstrated that a certain milk sugar called Alpha1H, found only in breast milk, helps in the production of lactose and can transform into a different form that helps break up tumors into microscopic fragments in the body.

Patients who were given a drug based on this milk sugar, rather than a placebo, passed whole tumor fragments in their urine. And there is more laboratory evidence to support that the drug can kill more than 40 different types of cancer cells in animal trials, including brain tumors and colon cancer. These results are inspiring scientists to continue to explore HAMLET as a novel approach to tumor therapy and make Alpha1H available to cancer patients.

Bottom line: If you choose to breastfeed, the breast milk your baby gets from your hard work can be worth every drop of effort.

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