I want more children—undeniably. I want to give my son siblings and watch him transition from an only child to a big brother. I want to experience pregnancy again. The changes, the hormonal shifts, the gift of carrying and that sweet moment of holding a newborn baby in my arms—in absolute awe and overwhelmed with joy. But right now, I’m enjoying these moments mothering my only child.
Because in this season, I am learning the language of motherhood and devoting this new version of myself to my son. In the same way that I am getting to know him, he is getting to know me—this woman who carried him for a little over nine months and has loved him every day since. And he will only ever experience this version of me, as a first-time mother, for a season—before we have to make room for more.
So I am making these moments count—and existing in them before they become reminiscences of memories we once shared.
I don’t want to look back wishing I had cherished these moments more.
Right now, I am wallowing in these firsts—before they become seconds or thirds (or so on).
Because these moments only happen once. And as quickly as they come, they are gone just as fast. The becoming of a mother—for the very first time. The foreignness of mothering—for the very first time. The journey of learning how to breastfeed or watching my child walk—for the very first time. And witnessing the magic of it all—for the very first time.
It is fleeting—the time, the memories, the experiences. And sometimes we just don’t realize how precious these moments truly were until we’re in the next chapter of our lives, on a different journey.
I don’t want to spend this present time dreaming about the next season when we do have more children. And I don’t want to look back wishing I had cherished these moments more. So for right now, mothering an only child is how it’s supposed to be.
I don’t care for the questions of when my husband and I will be trying for another one. Right now, we are not. Right now, we’re enjoying the freshness of parenthood. We’re navigating and valuing these existing moments with our only child.
Seasons change, they come and go—and so I know that this one won’t last forever.
Having an only child does come with its own challenges (any mom of one can attest to this)—like trying to keep them occupied and entertained. Or wondering how to fill the hours. Sometimes my husband and I joke that he does in fact need another sibling—or perhaps a dog even. But in actuality, this season is perfect just how it is.
Because we are growing together. And our child is exploring the world at his fingertips with no restraint. Here and now, he has our undivided attention and all of our love.
I sometimes wonder if experiencing these moments with our future children won’t be as sweet as they have been experiencing them for the first time—and my mind starts to wander. But then I remind myself that I am certain our hearts will grow tenfold with every other child we welcome into this world—as will our wisdom and experience.
But currently, we’re not planning according to any timeline. Because we are grounded and living presently in these moments.
Seasons change, they come and go—and so I know that this one won’t last forever. But for right now, I am enjoying every moment that this one has to bring.
And when this season shifts into us expanding our family, it will be beautiful. But for right now… our right now is just as beautiful, too.