To the mama who doesn't have a village

Raising a baby without grandparents nearby is hard because you have less emotional support.

To the mama who doesn't have a village

For most of my life, living near family was never a priority. We moved around a lot when I was a kid so I grew up less sentimental about childhood homes and without a strong need to live near relatives. Instead, I followed my career across the country from my parents, and never really felt too much of a strain to keep in touch.

That all changed when I became pregnant the first time.

Suddenly, I felt an innate desire to talk to my mom almost every day. I wanted to share every detail of my pregnancy with someone who could not only relate, but also cared about each baby kick or hour of heartburn as much as I did.


When my daughter was born, the pull of the village grew even stronger. Because—true talk? Raising a baby is hard, but doing so without family support is even harder. I can't help but feel that my friends who have done it with grandparents nearby may have had a slightly easier go of things.

Raising a baby without grandparents nearby is hard because you have less help. The practicality of free babysitting aside, finding any kind of babysitting can be a challenge when you don't have family to lean on. Leaving my baby with a stranger rattles my nerves. And even close friends aren't always so readily available to drop everything to spend an hour with my daughters. I feel a twinge of jealousy when my mom friends casually mention leaving their children with their parents so they can run errands, work with more ease or simply take a nap.

Raising a baby without grandparents nearby is hard because you have less emotional support. Don't get me wrong—my small village of friends is an incredible support system for me. But there's just something about the people who have known you your whole life—who know that you had the same sassy streak as your toddler when you were her age, or who can pull out a baby photo showing that you had the same cowlick your infant now flaunts. They can give you perspective on the bad phases while reveling in the good ones alongside you. They know your whole history and they have a hand in helping you raise your future.

Raising a baby without grandparents nearby is hard because there's not as much time to focus on my marriage. My husband and I have a date night probably once every other month—and it's always when one set of grandparents is visiting.

As our girls get older, I like to think we'll make it more of a priority, but for now, I find myself hesitant to spend extra money on a sitter or impose on friends to sit with the girls for an evening. Even though I know they probably wouldn't mind, it's hard to coordinate schedules and I feel emotionally burdened asking for help all the time. With grandparents, the extra time with their grandchildren never seems like a burden, and I would be lying if I said I didn't wish we had that time more often.

For now, it doesn't look like we'll ever live close to either set of grandparents. But while it can definitely be a challenge, I also know it makes their visits so much sweeter. My toddler waits at the window all morning when she knows they're coming to stay with us, and it fills my heart watching her play with them from the moment she gets up until she goes to bed (though the grandparents are probably exhausted!).

So we do our best to keep grandparents close in mind, having daily FaceTime calls and sharing photos on social media. And the grandparents do their part, too, visiting every other month or so to be here as much as they can.

I've also learned the importance of embracing the village we do have close by―my girls are lucky enough to have a few honorary "aunties" and "uncles" who do their best to help out when I need an extra hand or two. Living far from grandparents isn't always easy, but it does come with one very important positive: It makes us appreciate our time together even more.

You might also like:

In This Article

    Sunday Citizen

    I live in the Northeast and when I woke up this morning, my house was freezing. It had been in the mid 40's overnight and we haven't turned the heat on yet. Suddenly, my normal duvet felt too thin. The socks on my bare feet too non-existent. Winter is coming, and I'd been drinking rosés still pretending it was summer.

    I couldn't put it off any longer. It was time to do my annual tradition of winterizing my home—and I don't mean making sure my pipes and walls have enough insulation (though obviously that's important too). I mean the act of evaluating every room and wondering if it has enough hygge to it.

    If you've never heard of hygge, it's a Danish word that means a quality of coziness or contentment. And what better time to make sure you have moments of hygge all throughout your house than right now? As far as I'm concerned it's the only way to get through these dark winter months (even more so during a pandemic.)

    So I went room by room (yes, even my 4-year-old's room) and swapped in, layered or added in these 13 products to get us ready for winter:

    Keep reading Show less

    Sorry, you can’t meet our baby yet

    Thank you for understanding. ❤️

    In just over three weeks, we will become parents. From then on, our hearts will live outside of our bodies. We will finally understand what everyone tells you about bringing a child into the world.

    Lately, the range of emotions and hormones has left me feeling nothing short of my new favorite mom word, "hormotional." I'm sure that's normal though, and something most people start to feel as everything suddenly becomes real.

    Our bags are mostly packed, diaper bag ready, and birth plan in place. Now it's essentially a waiting game. We're finishing up our online childbirth classes which I must say are quite informational and sometimes entertaining. But in between the waiting and the classes, we've had to think about how we're going to handle life after baby's birth.


    I don't mean thinking and planning about the lack of sleep, feeding schedule, or just the overall changes a new baby is going to bring. I'm talking about how we're going to handle excited family members and friends who've waited just as long as we have to meet our child. That sentence sounds so bizarre, right? How we're going to handle family and friends? That sentence shouldn't even have to exist.

    Keep reading Show less

    In a recent survey shared in the Reproductive Health journal, one out of six women in the United States reported being mistreated while in labor, where mistreatment included, "loss of autonomy; being shouted at, scolded, or threatened; and being ignored, refused, or receiving no response to requests for help."

    One out of six.

    To make these numbers even more sickening, mistreatment was more common among women of color, women with partners of color, women with lower socioeconomic status, and women under the age of 30.

    (And yet people still question the validity of stating that black mothers are at a higher risk of pregnancy and birth-related complications.)


    Rarely at a loss for words, I find myself almost unable to speak.

    I am a midwife, and I am disgusted.

    Keep reading Show less