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My 2-year-old son was home with the flu. He was sick and more sensitive than usual—as most of us are because we feel so vulnerable in this state. He broke his fever, and we had apple sauce together, chatting about our day. When he was done, I went to help wipe the remains on his mouth with the spoon but moved too quickly and caught his teeth. It was not a hard scrape; however, in the sheer raw spot of being under the weather, he sobbed and sobbed.

I quickly felt his sadness, but then immediately this other not-so-good emotion washed over me—shame. This was one of my early pivotal parenting moments.

At this moment, I could have let my shame take over. When shame takes over, all we want is to get out of its discomfort—and in order to do so we often end up invalidating the other person involved to help ourselves feel better.

I had the urge to tell him, "It wasn't that hard," and "I didn't mean to," or "Okay that's enough, brush it off." All the emotionally invalidating expressions that end up making the situation about me and try to alleviate my own feelings.

I resisted the urge of what seemed so automatic, and instead, I just held him. I labeled his emotions of sadness and pain. And I apologized. I sat there, felt my shame and made a decision to put that on the side, and just stayed present with him. It wasn't about me. This wasn't my pain. Instead, I chose to stay present with him, let go of those hard thoughts and feelings, and stay connected. When he was ready, we resumed our chat and play.

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Shame. As a psychologist, I am no stranger to this emotion. I see it daily in my office, but I, too, am familiar with this feeling. It is a core emotion that we all experience at some point in our lives.

Shame is the notion that one is unworthy, defective or a failure in some way. It is the "intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging," according to best-selling author and sociologist Brené Brown.

As one of the most painful emotions experienced, shame disconnects us from others, leading to feelings of isolation. Often times we don't even know we are feeling shame when it happens. Instead, we notice anger, sadness, fear, disgust, or many other emotions.

Not only do we not know what it looks like, it even triggers ways to respond just like I wanted to at the moment with my son: blame the other, deny their emotions or experience, or even withdraw, shut down and avoid situations or conversations altogether.

Yet despite its experience being universal, shame is rarely acknowledged or discussed in our culture.

Shame is a strong emotion that is correlated with mental health difficulties, low self-esteem, and relationship distress. Maybe as you are reading this you can think of moments in your own life when shame has reared its ugly head. Was it with your child as a parent? A romantic partner? Or maybe it was during an important work meeting where you said something and later didn't feel good about it. Perhaps it's even when you reach for that job promotion.

Learning to cope with shame can help improve self-worth, emotional health, and our relationships. So let's explore how we can deal with shame.

1. Identify and acknowledge the feeling

Our emotions provide us with the necessary information on what we need and how to change. Start by asking yourself what it feels like inside when you experience shame.

  • Is it a sinking feeling?
  • Is it sticky?
  • Maybe it's a churning feeling in your stomach, and you want to run away.
  • Or perhaps it always comes up in a certain situation, or it urges you to do something.
  • Do you shut down and walk away from others?
  • What does your internal dialogue say to you? "Uh oh, watch out, that wasn't the right thing to say. People will judge you. You are a screw-up. Why did you say that?" There's that voice that comes from this emotion—what does it tell you about you and who you are?

Next, differentiate between whether this is guilt or shame to help identify what you need.

Feelings of guilt result in the thought of "I have done something wrong" or the behavior is not helpful. Guilt can be a healthy emotion. It tells us that somehow our behavior was not correct and that we should try something different next time.

For example, if you feel guilty after eating too many cookies, next time you may try to limit the number you eat. That's okay. We make mistakes. Allow yourself to make a mistake, change the behavior, and move forward.

Shame, however, is like quicksand—sinking quickly and struggling against it. Ask yourself, "Do I feel like I am a bad person?"

At times, the act of just acknowledging an emotion (e.g., "I notice myself feeling shame") can help. When I'm working with clients in my office, we attach an image to it. One client described the sensation of sinking in a hole and not being able to find a ladder. When the emotion comes again, we can notice it quicker, and I can say "Emily, you're in the hole again without the ladder," and she knows we are talking about shame.

2. Fail, and try to fail better

Perfectionism is a driving force that often leads to shame. We tell ourselves to do things perfectly and hold ourselves to high and unachievable standards. Although this drive can help us achieve, this drive becomes a problem when we begin to feel like a failure or not worthy when we do not meet our standards.

Perhaps it's a work project, or a friendship or a relationship.

Maybe its what you thought you would accomplish in a certain amount of time.

Or, as a mom, struggling to feel good enough in your parenting decisions (e.g., "I must always make gourmet meals; I need to create fun activities to do with my children all the time").

Shame lurks behind these standards and self-evaluations.

What if instead of trying to be perfect, you tried to make mistakes. That's a framework shift!

Pema Chödrön, a teacher of Buddhism, teaches us to "Fail. Fail again. Fail better." What does this mean? This means that in life, we will never stop failing or stop facing challenges. It is just not possible. It is part of the human condition—one that we all face—that we will at some point fail, or experience something difficult.

Instead of trying to avoid failure by putting these high expectations on ourselves, try allowing yourself to be vulnerable, to show when you are struggling and not getting something, and to just be okay with this. So let go of trying to be perfect, and take those risks that shame has been stopping you from doing!

3. Acceptance and letting go

There are things in life we cannot control. We cannot control events or situations that are outside of us or other people. We also cannot control our thoughts and feelings. Our thoughts and feelings are spontaneous.

Yet I so often hear from clients in my office that they want to 'just control' or 'get rid' of their difficult emotions and thoughts. I will let you in on a secret. I would not have a job if I had a way to get rid of your painful thoughts and feelings.

So where does that leave us? Instead of trying to make something go away—which, the more you try to get away from something, the more it finds you—try bringing acceptance into what you are experiencing.

This means that you can hold your thoughts and feelings in a nonjudgmental manner: they are just thoughts and feelings. Instead of trying to hold on to thoughts so tightly—where instead of telling yourself "I failed… I'm a failure… I'm not good enough… I can't get anything right"—maybe you notice this thought, notice what your mind is telling you, and seeing this as just bits of language put together.

Learning to be aware of your thoughts and feelings and letting these go can be done through mindfulness.

According to author Jon Kabat-Zinn, mindfulness is comprised of two components: awareness of one's internal experience as it is happening in the moment, and nonjudgment of the experience.

Through mindfulness, try bringing a sense of openness, kindness, and curiosity to your shame.

Next, imagine putting the thoughts and feelings on a leaf, and then letting the leaf gently float by as if in a stream or caught in the wind.

Mindfulness takes repeated practice, and it is meant to be challenging. Our minds are really good at pulling us away from what is happening in the moment. Try checking out different apps and podcasts that walk you through different mindfulness exercises. My personal favorites are Calm and Head Space.

4. Talking to significant others

We all need and long for emotional validation and connection. We are hard-wired to connect. But shame stops us from connecting with others. Fear comes up for many people at the thought of sharing hard feelings, with thoughts of "what will they think of me?" and "will they reject me?" Yet sharing with our loved ones how we feel is a great way to slay shame. Their empathy and understanding will help normalize what you are feeling, and they might even have ways to cope with it.

To share this hard emotion, you will need to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Keep in mind that shame is a human emotion; remember that we all experience this problematic emotion.

Start by setting up the conversation. Let your friend or partner know that you want to talk about something challenging for you. Use first person language, with "I feel…" or "I'm struggling with…" Start by sharing small things.

Often, by opening up to others, we realize that we are not alone in our feelings and that others might be experiencing similar feelings as well.

5. Engage in what you find meaningful

We cannot wholly eliminate shame from our experience. Therefore, it is vital not to let shame stop you from living your life and engaging in what is important. In their book Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Hayes et. al. cite an evidence-based approach for treating anxiety and depressive disorders, posits that we must "ACT:"

Accept (A) what we cannot change

Commit (C) ourselves to what is important in our lives

Take (T) action in what we find meaningful

Perhaps being connected with friends is important—so taking action to meet up with them. Or sitting and playing with your child is significant, instead of feeling shame and worry that they are "not playing in the right way" or if you "did enough" for them today.

Engage in something that brings meaning to you—that fills you up—to help fight those feelings of shame.

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Did you hear that? That was the sound of Nordstrom and Maisonette making all your kid's summer wardrobe dreams come true.

Nordstrom partnered with Maisonette to create the perfect in-store pop-up shop from May 24th-June 23rd, featuring some of our favorite baby and kids brands, like Pehr, Zestt Organics, Lali and more. (Trust us, these items are going to take your Instagram feed to the next level of cuteness. 😍) Items range from $15 to $200, so there's something for every budget.

Pop-In@Nordstrom x Maisonette

Maisonette has long been a go-to for some of the best children's products from around the world, whether it's tastefully designed outfits, adorable accessories, or handmade toys we actually don't mind seeing sprawled across the living room rug. Now their whimsical, colorful aesthetic will be available at Nordstrom.

The pop-in shops will be featured in nine Nordstrom locations: Costa Mesa, CA; Los Angeles, CA; Chicago, IL; Austin, TX; Dallas, TX; Bellevue, WA; Seattle, WA; Toronto, ON; and Vancouver, BC.

Don't live nearby? Don't stress! Mamas all across the U.S. and Canada will be able to access the pop-in merchandise online at nordstrom.com/pop

But don't delay―these heirloom-quality pieces will only be available at Nordstrom during the pop-in's run, and then they'll be over faster than your spring break vacation. Happy shopping! 🛍

This article is sponsored by Nordstrom. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.

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For decades, doctors have prescribed progesterone, one of the key hormones your body needs during pregnancy, to prevent a miscarriage. The hormone, produced by the ovaries, is necessary to prepare the body for implantation. As the pregnancy progresses, the placenta produces progesterone, which suppresses uterine contractions and early labor.

But a new study out of the UK finds that administering progesterone to women experiencing bleeding in their first trimester does not result in dramatically more successful births than a placebo. Yet, for a small group of mothers-to-be who had experienced "previous recurrent miscarriages," the numbers showed promise.

The study, conducted at Tommy's National Centre for Miscarriage Research at the University of Birmingham in the UK, is the largest of its kind, involving 4,153 pregnant women who were experiencing bleeding in those risky (and nerve-wracking) early weeks. The women were randomly split into two groups, with one group receiving 400 milligrams of progesterone via a vaginal suppository, and the other receiving a placebo of the same amount. Both groups were given the suppositories through their 16th week of pregnancy.

Of the group given progesterone, 75% went on to have a successful, full-term birth, compared to 72% for the placebo.

As the study notes, for most women, the administration of progesterone "did not result in a significantly higher incidence of live births than placebo." But for women who had experienced one or two previous miscarriages, the result was a 4% increase in the number of successful births. And for women who had experienced three or more recurrent miscarriages, the number jumped to a 15% increase.

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Dr. Arri Coomarasamy, Professor of Gynecology at the University of Birmingham and Director of Tommy's National Centre for Miscarriage Research, said the implications for that group are "huge." "Our finding that women who are at risk of a miscarriage because of current pregnancy bleeding and a history of a previous miscarriage could benefit from progesterone treatment has huge implications for practice," he said.

It's estimated that 1 in 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. And while even a spot of blood no doubt increases the fear in every expectant mother's mind, bleeding is actually a very common occurrence during pregnancy, Coomarasamy said. Still, first trimester bleeding is particularly risky, with a third of women who experience it going on to miscarry.

So for women who have been through it multiple times, Coomarasamy's findings are an important avenue to explore. "This treatment could save thousands of babies who may have otherwise been lost to a miscarriage," he added.

The study is among a number of recent groundbreaking discoveries made by doctors looking to further understand what causes miscarriages and what can be done to prevent them. While about 70% of miscarriages are attributed to chromosomal abnormalities, doctors recently learned that certain genetic abnormalities, which exist in a small group of parents-to-be, could be discovered by testing the mother and father, as well as the embryo.

Doctors have also discovered that even knowing the sex of your baby could predict the complications a mother may face, thus helping medical professionals to assist in keeping the pregnancy viable.

But while there is no sweeping solution to stop miscarriages, for some couples, the use of progesterone does offer a glimmer of hope. "The results from this study are important for parents who have experienced miscarriage," Jane Brewin, chief executive of Tommy's said. "They now have a robust and effective treatment option which will save many lives and prevent much heartache."

Brewin added that studies like this one are imperative to our understanding of how the creation of life, which remains both a miracle and a mystery, truly works. "It gives us confidence to believe that further research will yield more treatments and ultimately make many more miscarriages preventable," she said.

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It's never easy to give up a career and launch a whole new one, but when I decided to end my time as an opera singer and move into the field of sales, I knew I could do it. After all, I had the perfect role model: my mom.

When I was growing up, she worked as a dental hygienist, but when I started college, she took some courses in sales. She was single with two kids in college, which was a driving force to make more money. But above that, she truly had a passion for sales. In no time, she got jobs and excelled at them, ultimately earning her the title of Vendor Representative of the Year at her electronics company.

When I entered the field of sales, an unusual and unexpected twist followed. Several years into my career, I was hired by a different electronics company. My mom and I ended up selling similar products to some of the same businesses. (Neither of our companies realized this, and we have different last names.)

But rather than feeling uncomfortable, I saw this as a great opportunity. She and I were both committed to doing our best. More often than not, she beat me when we went after the same piece of business. But in the process, I learned so much from her. I was able to see how her work ethic, commitment and style drove her success. I had even more to emulate.

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Here are some of the biggest business lessons I learned from my working mom:

1. Use your existing skill set to differentiate yourself.

As a dental hygienist, my mom knew how to talk to people and make them feel comfortable. She had also served as a youth leader at three different churches where my dad preached. In each town, she found at-risk kids, brought them together and developed programs for them. She had learned how to help people improve themselves and make their lives better.

In sales, she did the same thing, focusing on how the products or services she was selling could genuinely make a difference in the lives of her customers. Those skills translated seamlessly into her new career.

2. Start strong from day one—don't wait for permission to launch your full potential.

From day one at a job, my mom showed up with energy and vigor to get going. She didn't take time to be tentative. Instead, she leaned into her tasks—the equivalent of blasting out of the gate in a race. Having seen how well this worked for her, I strive to do the same.

3. Have empathy, it's essential.

Many women have been falsely accused of being "too emotional" in business. However, empathy is a necessity and drives better results. As a businesswoman, my mom set herself apart by demonstrating genuine empathy for her clients and her colleagues. She loves getting to know people's stories. That understanding is a key component in her finalizing deals and helping her company reach higher levels of success.

4. Learn often—you're never done building your skill set.

My mom is the reason I spend at least three months out of each year getting a new certification or learning a new skill. She's always working to improve, harness new technologies or develop new competencies—and she's passed on that eagerness to learn to me. She knows that to stay on top, you have to keep learning.

5. Bring on the charm.

By nature, I'm analytical. I like to present the numbers to clients, showing the data to help sway their decisions. And that has its place, but charm is universal. Being someone people want to do business with makes a huge difference. If I had a nickel for every time a prospect told me, "I love your mother," I could retire now! Business, especially sales, is about the connections you make as much as the value you bring.

Our paths have taken our careers in different directions, but along the way, I've done my best to incorporate all these skills. Thank you, mom, for teaching me all this, and much more.

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Every mom has her own list of character traits each of she hopes to instill in her children, but there is one that stands out as a big priority for the majority of millennial mothers.

Motherly's 2019 State of Motherhood survey revealed that kindness is incredibly important to today's moms. It is the number one trait we want to cultivate in our children, and according to stats from the Harvard Graduate School of Education, this emphasis on kindness couldn't come at a better time.

In recent years kids and parents have been straying from kindness, but these Ivy League experts have some great ideas about how today's moms can get the next generation back on track so they can become the caring adults of tomorrow.

Between 2013 and 2014, as part of Harvard's Making Caring Common project, researchers surveyed 10,000 middle and high school students across the nation. They found that no matter what race, class or culture the kids identified with, the majority of the students surveyed valued their own personal success and happiness way more than that of others.

Why do kids value their own success so much more than things like caring and fairness? Well, apparently, mom and dad told them to.

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Eighty percent of the 10,000 students said their parents taught them that their own happiness and high achievement were more important than caring for others. (So much for sharing is caring.)

The folks at Harvard say that valuing your own ambition is obviously a good thing (in moderation) in today's competitive world, but prioritizing it so much more than ethical values like kindness, caring and fairness makes kids more likely to be cruel, disrespectful and dishonest.

So how do we fix this? Here's Harvard's four-step plan for raising kinder kids.

1. Help them practice being nice

Giving kids daily opportunities to practice caring and kind acts helps make ethical behavior second nature. They could help you with chores, help a friend with homework or work on a project to help homelessness.

All those tasks would help a child flex their empathy muscles. The key is to increase the challenges over time so your child can develop a stronger capacity for caregiving as they grow.

2. Help them see multiple perspectives

The researchers want kids to “zoom in" and listen closely to the people around them, but also see the bigger picture. “By zooming out and taking multiple perspectives, including the perspectives of those who are too often invisible (such as the new kid in class, someone who doesn't speak their language, or the school custodian), young people expand their circle of concern and become able to consider the justice of their communities and society," the study's authors' wrote.

3. Model kindness

Our kids are watching, so if we want them to be kinder, it's something we should try to cultivate in ourselves. The Harvard team suggests parents make an effort to widen our circles of concern and deepen our understanding of issues of fairness and justice.

4. Teach kids to cope with destructive feelings

According to the researchers, the ability to care about others can be overwhelmed by a kid's feelings of anger, shame, envy, or other negative feelings. They suggest we teach our kids teach that while all feelings are okay to feel, some ways of dealing with them are not helpful, or kind (for example, “Hitting your classmate might make you happy, but it won't make them happy and isn't very kind. Counting to 10 and talking about why you're mad is more productive than hitting.")

While the folks at Harvard are concerned that so many kids are being taught to value their own happiness above all, they were also encouraged by the students who do prioritize caring and kindness. One of the students surveyed wrote, “People should always put others before themselves and focus on contributing something to the world that will improve life for future generations."

If we follow the advice of Harvard researchers, the world will see more kids that think like that, and that's what future generations need.

[A version of this post was originally published November 8, 2017. It has been updated.]

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These days more women are having babies into their 40s, but the idea that women are facing down the biological clock is pretty pervasive—once you're over 35, you automatically receive that "advanced maternal age" classification, while your male partner's age may never even be mentioned. The pressure on older moms is unfair, because according to new research from Rutgers University, men may face age-related fertility decline too and America's dads are getting older.

It's a new idea, but this finding actually takes 40 years worth of research into account—which, coincidentally, is around the age male fertility may start to decline. According to Rutgers researchers, the medical community hasn't quite pinpointed the onset of advanced age, but it hovers somewhere between ages 35 and 45.

The study which appears in the journal Maturitas, finds that a father's age may not just affect his fertility, but also the health of his partner and offspring.

Based on previously conducted research, the team behind this study found evidence that men over 45 could put their partners at greater risk for pregnancy complications like gestational diabetes and preeclampsia. Babies born to older fathers also have an increased likelihood of premature birth, late stillbirth, low Apgar scores, low birthweight, newborn seizures and more. The risks appear to exist later in life, too: Research suggests children of older fathers have greater risk of childhood cancers, cognitive issues and autism.

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There's been plenty of studies surrounding advanced maternal age, but research on advanced paternal age is pretty slim—scientists don't quite understand how age correlates to these factors at this point. But researchers from Rutgers believe that age-related decline in testosterone and sperm quality degradation may be to blame. "Just as people lose muscle strength, flexibility and endurance with age, in men, sperm also tend to lose 'fitness' over the life cycle," Gloria Bachmann, director of the Women's Health Institute at Rutgers Robert Wood Johnson Medical School, explains in a release for this news.

As we've previously reported, more and more men are waiting until later in life to have children. According to a 2017 Stanford study, children born to fathers over 40 represent 9% of U.S. births, and the average age of first-time fathers has climbed by three-and-a-half years over the past four decades —so this research matters now more than ever, and it may represent the first step towards setting certain standards in place for men who choose to delay parenthood.

The biggest thing to come out of this research may be the need for more awareness surrounding advanced paternal age. This particular study's authors believe doctors should be starting to have conversations with their male patients, possibly even encouraging them to consider banking sperm if they're considering parenthood later in life.

Women certainly tend to be aware of the age-related risks to their fertility, and many regularly hear that they should freeze their eggs if they're not ready for motherhood. And while it's still too early to say whether we'll ever examine paternal age this closely, this research may set a whole new conversation in motion.

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